My body was not my own to control any more and maybe I wanted to Self Destruct like a crude bomb taking everything and any everyone in my path.
Maybe I hated myself for what I have become, been reduced too...
Maybe it is why I rebelled the confines of my bed, my sanity, my safe haven I called home.
because why would I agree to go out to a party in the woods with some of the popular crowd from school.
This was my downfall or something like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. There are two sides of this coin and neither is pretty.
three hours earlier
I'm wearing my red skinny jeans and my cream shirt with red hearts all over, with my sandals with the bows. I look normal outside. Inside is a raging storm a whirlwind of chaos and sharp cutting barbs shredding my skin to pieces as I stand. I loathe what that thing has done to me.
I wanted, no I needed to prove to my self I was still in control. The other voice taunts me urging me to do something reckless for once in my godforsaken life. Even I am not suspect to peer pressure even from my own traitorous mind.
I fidget by my driveway waiting for Charlie to come and pick me up. I have my doubts maybe she wont show and I feel relief until I see her green golf and I resign my self to my fate as I put on my red coat with army detail, I love it a present from Soph
We drive away from town toward the woods. I know that many 'raves' are held there during the summer so I should be all right. I fight my sense of foreboding putting it down to nerves.
It was getting dark by the time we made it to the party which was actually a crowd of people some older in college maybe sitting around a fire with bottles strewn around.
The older boys leered at us and I wanted to leave as soon as I could.
There was no need for light the Moon hung heavy in the sky bathing us in its silvery light. Some one shoves a drink in my hand and when someone tries to kiss me I hastily pull drink to my mouth to stop the guy shoving his tongue in my mouth.
I edge closer to the fire and realise I've already finished the drink, and one or three more don't seem like a bad idea why was I wary ? Maybe I should lighten up like everyone tells me too.
By this time I feel lightly buzzed and the drinks shoved my way by eager hands and leery faces don't seem like the wrong decision at all. I've lost Charlie and as I try to get up I nearly fall face first into the fire. Strong hands grab my waist and if they grope my chest as they help me up I simply do not care. I feel free from my problems and my body feels lighter as if I could float away up away onto the moon to keep the man on the moon company.
I laugh like I've never heard a joke before sitting on the lap of some nameless face he pulls me closer as I shiver, I squint at the hands of my wrist watch. The watch face is a blur of squiggly lines going around and around. Some part of my mind not inebriated tells me its late and I should go, this is all wrong, where is everyone?
I voice my thoughts and as I try to get of the lap of what's his face hands, his hands suddenly become a cage which I cannot get out from and my heart tries to break free of its cage as he whispers softly into my ear making the hairs rise from my neck
"your not going anywhere little red"
to be continued