Letters


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3. Dad. (Robert's POV)

"Dad.

Well, what can I say to you? You hurt me... so bad. I don't know what to do any more. You are supposed to love me, protect me from harm. But you don't. No, you just keep hurting me, over and over again, like you're that monster I keep having nightmares about.

Maybe I should hate you for what you keep doing. After all, you have given me plenty of reasons. But hate is a strong word, a strong feeling. It lies deep in someone's soul, weighing them down and I don't want to be like that. No. I want to die completely free, of you and of everything else. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to when I was a little girl and we were all happy, but then I remember that would mean having to go through this all over again.

Just don't tell Mum about all of this, she will already be going through a lot.

Julia."

From time to time, I used to wonder what it felt like to murder someone, and I guess I have finally found out. Of course, I didn't actually kill her, hell, I wouldn't do that, no, I just pushed her over the edge. Obviously, I never wanted all this to happen. And she always was so strong, always smiling and everything. I guess it was inevitable that one day she would just... Snap.

I screw up Julia's note and chuck it into the black bin round the side of the house. I don't need any reminders of what I did. And I certainly don't want Cora or either of the kids to get their hands on this. I could be locked away for a very long time. But maybe I deserve that. To be honest, I know that I do. I could probably cope with prison, but having Crispin and Eliza taken away from me. No. I will never be able to cope with that.

You see, I am not a completely bad person. I loved Julia, I still do, but sometimes I just lost it. Well, maybe it was more often than sometimes. But it doesn't mean I'm a bad father. Does it? I would never do anything to hurt my other kids. Before, I wasn't sure, but now I'm absolutely positive. Never could I ever put my family through this again.

I shouldn't have snapped at Cora. She's going through a rough time as well. Not just rough...What she must be going through is indescribable. Great, and now I'm crying. Well, this day just keeps getting better and better. I knew having kids would be a mistake. I was right. I am always right. This is all Cora's fault. She wanted kids... She forced me to have kids. If, for once, she had listened to me then we wouldn't be in this mess. Silly cow.

Wait. I don't really mean that. Do I? God, I'm so confused. I don't know what I feel any more. I don't know what to think. And there's going to be the police coming round soon, snooping around our things. As long as they don't find the note, I guess I'm safe.

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