World So Cold

Love is never simple. Love is never easy. There is more grey than there is black and white. Zayn Malik Fan Fiction


8. My Empire of Dirt


(One Month Later)

I stood backstage with the boys, my heart pounding. Today is a big deal, today is defining for us as a group, today means more than I could imagine. It is said that in the music business, you get your entire life to make your first album, and only six months to make your second. The deadlines creep up on you like a dark cloud, and if you don’t have the album finished, so help you. Thankfully we met our deadline, and the finished product turned out to be our second album “Take Me Home”.

And today, it will be debuted to the world, as it hits stores for the first time. It is a rush, it is exciting, it is surreal. Eleanor stands with Louis, and they look madly in love. Danielle and Liam had found an end but they still remained close. Harry had his fingers laced with Taylor Swifts and he looked at her like a prize. Brooke Taylor and I, we were kaput. So I didn’t have a girl to support me today, and not tomorrow or the day after but that’s ok. “Who are they interviewing before us?” Louis asks, but we don’t know, truth is we had just gotten into the building and we were lucky to make it on time.

“I’m here with Loretta Kline, author of the new book ‘My teenage life’ ….” the interviewers voice declares and my eyes go to the live television screen. Sure enough, there she was, Loretta Kline, and in her hands was a hardcover book with a black and white picture of a girl on it. The girl resembled Siobhan….a lot.

“Ironic, it’s Miss Kline” Harry pointed at the screen. “She got a nice set of legs” he comments. Taylor whacks him in the arm. The interview they give her is about ten minutes long, and they ask her basic questions, then they ask her if her own daughter was the inspiration for the book.

“Her love life is…in my story, my main protagonist is torn between a love that feels right and a love that she cant forget. Sometimes its hard to differentiate the two, at seventeen or eighteen I mean face it, what do you really know about love” she smiles.

“Tell us a little more about the plot” Al Roker, the interviewer, looks at her then at the crowd.

“The girl’s name is Abigail Morrissey, and she falls in love for the first time with her lab partner in her junior year. Things happen, he hits mega stardom and seems to forget her”

I never forgot Siobhan. “Anyway, while she is recuperating from that blow, she meets a boy from the ghetto side of town and he shows her the meaning of true love. The chemistry is unbelievable, and he handles her like gold. But somehow she cant seem to forget her first love”

I cant forget her either. How could I forget her….how could Miss Kline expose Siobhan’s story with me like that….who is the other boy. Twenty bucks says its Paco Fuentes.

That’s really weird, sounds a lot like she wrote a book about you and her daughter” Louis adds once the interview is over. When Al Roker tells Loretta that he will be interviewing us next, her face distorts. Of course she remembers me, how could she forget….she did write a damn book about it. And Orson and Siobhan are probably in the crowd, I wonder how they are feeling. Has Siobhan thought about me at all…the kiss at the bonfire?

When we are interviewed, I am shocked to see just Orson in the crowd. The seat beside him is empty, and it drives me up the wall to know that somewhere in the building Siobhan roams…avoiding me. I don’t speak much during the interview, which isn’t too noticeable because most of the questions are answered by Liam or Louis or Harry. Niall and I always enjoyed modesty during interviews. After the interview, we perform two songs from the new album “Live While We’re Young” and “Kiss You”.

When our segment is finished, I make my way backstage and there is a note under our dressing room door. It has my name on it.


I will be at the coffee house down the street in one hour, I’m ready to talk to you

-Siobhan Kline Grey

I don’t hesitate, in fact, I nearly bolt out of the door. Security had tried to come, but if I show up with security, Siobhan would feel more alienated. I don’t need that, I don’t want that. I want to hear her tell me I am forgiven. She doesn’t have to tell me she wants me back, but if there is a spark of hope, it’ll be enough for me.

I run to the coffeehouse, and I do this for two reasons. Excitement and fear. I am excited to talk to Siobhan, but I don’t want to be chased by screaming girls. Not right now, talking with Siobhan is too imperative. I am spotted by one girl, and the minute she screams I beg her to stop. She does when I do as she asks. A photo and she wants me to sign her neck. I scribble my name quickly over her throat and she smiles. Seriously, her neck? Oh well, her neck, her problem.

Siobhan is sitting in a booth, stirring sugar into a cup of coffee when I walk in. A little dinger goes off, making faces turn and look at me, before anyone says anything, I made my way to her. I stride quickly, reaching her table in what seems like two seconds. I am fearless, I am brave. I love her, I want to talk to her.

“You’re early” she tells me as I sit. Siobhan takes a sip of her coffee. “Want a coffee?”

I nod and she orders one for me. “I am happy you agreed to meet me”

“You make me want to walk into traffic” she says bluntly. The waiter sets the coffee in front of me and walks off politely. Traffic? Walking into traffic? Is she crazy? Is she kidding? She has to be kidding… “Ever since the funeral, I haven’t been able to sleep that well”

That would explain the dark circles under her eyes, but I don’t care, she is still beautiful. “Why is that?” I ask clearing my throat.

“Because of you, and that kiss and how I hate myself for thinking about it over and over again. I’m sorry we didn’t work”, She sighs and bites into her cinnamon roll.

Was this her final goodbye to me? “Siobhan you’re saying goodbye?”

“I’m trying” she circles the rim of her cup with her finger. “We have to cut each other loose, I know we aren’t together but we are still connected”

“Have you found someone else?” I ask, I am afraid to hear her answer. She looks at me, wiping the corners of her mauve colored mouth with a napkin. This is too casual, this is too bland, where is the excitement we used to have. The fire that once burned so bright. How did we get here, what exactly went wrong. What I’d do to have her fingers running through my hair, and my head laying on her chest, listening to the sounds of her rhythmic heart.

“I think so, yes” she tells me, her eyes are telling me that she isn’t lying. How I wish she was! “And I want you to know that you have to stop emailing me, texting me and calling me. We both deserve happiness, even if it isn’t with each other”

She is right. We do deserve happiness, we deserve the world. We are young, our hearts are strong. I love this girl with the force of wind, I love this girl with my heart and my body. I am certain I wont love another with this kind of courage. I don’t know if I have it in me.

My happiness, true happiness was with you”, I tell her, letting down my guard once again. On a wall in the far corner is a mirror and I see my reflection in it. I don’t recognize myself, I am cowering in the chair. Like a scared little boy, I look timid. “You once asked me, what I saw when I closed my eyes and saw the future”

She nods, bringing the mug to her mouth again. Damn her! She is so robotic, her face, inconsiderate and cavalier. She may not care about me anymore, but how am I to turn off my feelings. “I remember” she looks at me, and her eyes are negligent. Something inside of me dies.

“You asked me what I saw, and I didn’t answer because for whatever reason I just didn’t…but I saw you. So tell me Siobhan, what have I become?”

“Zayn Malik”, she responds quickly, almost in a whisper. I have become lost, but all she sees is the glamour, the fame. “You’ve become Zayn Malik”

I chew the inside of my lip and nod my head slowly. I know I must accept this as fact. If I could start over again, I would have kept myself in New Jersey, never once auditioned for X Factor and stayed with Siobhan. This fame is a needle, and it jabs holes into what I thought was my life. What have I become? Who have I become? Why do people always go away in the end? What is permanent, and what is not. Who is permanent, and what is not. “Zayn Malik, world famous mega superstar” she winces as she says this. Does she even believe the words coming out of her mouth?

In another life, how would things be….would it be us two, like before? “It’s an empire of dirt” I confess. “Without you, its all an empire of dirt, it means nothing”, and I feel the familiar lump in my throat.

Outside the café, paparazzi are snapping away through the clear windows. These are moments where I have to keep it together, but how? “You can have it all, my empire of dirt” I stand and put a twenty dollar bill on the table. For her coffee and roll, and my coffee. And she can keep the change, its probably all im worth to her anyhow.

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