1. Another long chapter.

  It was a Monday and I was in the gym getting my daily workout routine in.  That day I was working specifically on chest exercises.  As I was laying on the bench press,  I desperately tried pushing the weighted barbell away from my chest like it is was a 300-pound woman hovering me trying to get me to eat her sweet potato pie.   While holding my breath and my face transforming to a bright red, I racked my weight.

My workout partner, JB was right there to spotting me.  I sat up in order to rest in between sets.   JB: “How was your weekend?”   Me: “It was ok, nothing special. I just get sick of the same thing every weekend.”   JB: “The same thing?”   Me: “You know, spending time getting dressed up, then going out to hit on women.  Eventually, you see the same people every weekend.  I need some sort of change.  I see the same women.  It’s like they get passed around like a blunt.”   By now, JB and I had switched places and I become his spotter as he did a few reps.   JB:  “The problem is you’re not expanding your horizons.  Even horses get tired of drinking out of the same watering hole.  Tell me one person in this world that eats at the same restaurant?  Even though I love hamburgers I don’t get them all the time at McDonald’s.  Sometimes I go to Burger King orWendy’s."   Me: “And what do you suggest?”   JB: “You ever tried this whole online dating thing?”   Me: “Online dating?”   JB: “You know-eHarmony, Match.com shit like that.”   Me: “Nope.  That kinda stuff is only for guys who are perverts and freaks.”   JB: “Which means you would fit right in!”   I happily gave JB the birdie.  I laid back on the bench to complete my next set of bench press.   JB continues to spot me.   JB: “Wes, what type of women…do…you... think are online?”   Me:  “They are only for desperate women who can’t get a man.”       JB: “And what do lonely desperate women like to do?  They don’t sit at home knitting yarn.”   I finished another set and racked the weights.   Me: “True.  But, I can get a woman, anywhere.  I don’t need that online crap.”   Magically, an attractive Persian girl in all black spandex was  listening to her iPod and walked right in front us.  Her booty smiled at me, and I didn’t hesitate to smile back.   Me: “Let me show you how it’s done.  FYI this is without some eHarmony account.  Take notes bitch!”   I hurried over and caught up to where there the woman was walking.  I tried to get her attention from where I was.    Me: “Excuse me”   I could hear her music blasting in her ears from where I was standing.  I tapped her on the shoulder and she quickly turned around.  She yanked her white headphone out of her ear.   Persian girl:  “Yes?”    Me:  “I don’t want to interfere with your workout you have going on, but I just have to ask…Are you single?”   Persian girl:  “I am, and I want to keep it that way.  Thanks.”   The woman placed her headphone back in her ear and kept it moving.  Meanwhile, I walked back to JB with my tail between my legs.   Me:  “What was the name of that site again?”   JB: “Match.com.  You have to trust me on this one.  There will be plenty of women on there you can blaze.  Most of the women on there say they want a relationship but in reality, they are all sluts ready to be dicked down.  If you can’t get laid on Match, you can’t get laid anywhere.”         Later that night, I contemplated what JB said.  I think the fact that I got denied earlier that day influenced me to give it a try.  The problem with creating an account on match is that you have to come up with some creative bullshit to say.  Even in cyberspace, you have to tell women what they want to hear.   All women enjoy some sort of romance.  Online dating is like jumping into an enormous lake.  The water out might not look the best but your dick is guaranteed to get wet.         In order to save time, I looked up a random man’s profile that lived clear across the country.  Like a kindergartner in art class, I gave forth my best effort and did a copy and paste.  Copied some other guy’s romantic lies and pasted it on my page.  Within five minutes my profile was up and running like a Kenyan marathon runner.               After a few hours, I was getting hits like a blunt at a Jamaican birthday party.  However, every girl that was trying to interact with me was either big and beautiful or so unattractive I wasn’t certain if they were responding to my profile or RSVP'ing to a Monster’s Ball.             Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with ugly chicks because I have definitely lowered my standards before but messing with these women would have been borderline beastality.  A lot of these women were sending me wink after wink.            A wink on match is something an individual can send to another member to let them know they are interested in the other member.  It provides a means to break the ice.  Any woman that I saw online that was smackable I would send a wink to.            It was a numbers game.  The more winks I sent out the greater my chance to get a response.  I didn’t bother reading any of the profiles.  Who has time for that?  Reading online profiles are similar to preschoolers reading a storybook.   Nobody cares what the words say, they just want to look at the pictures and eventually go out and play.           I was ready to play after seeing all of the profiles online.  I was energized that all I had to do was wink at thousands of girls and could get return winks.  This was a whole new experience for me.          I was faithful every night in doing wink exercises on Match.  Skinny girl, wink.  Big tittie girl, wink.  Pretty smile, wink.  The cross eyed girl with Coke bottle glasses, wink.  The girl I wouldn’t dare be seen in a public even if she begged me...no way!  On the contrary, she did look like she could suck a soccer ball through a stir straw. Wink!          The following week, as I was getting ready to log off my account for the night, I received a return wink from Elana.  Judging by the pictures on Elana’s profile, she not only a cutie with a booty, she was thicker than a Snicker.          She seemed like a good wholesome girl.  She had an innocent look about her and a warm smile.  I wrote her in order to introduce myself.  She immediately responded and told me a little bit about her.  We interacted through Match for a few days and then we exchanged numbers.          When I finally called her, I noticed her voice matched her picture.  She had a soft and soothing voice.  I could tell this girl was down to earth and a good woman.  We would talk for hours on the phone and had a lot of similar interests.              She was unique from most women.  She was the type of woman that you settle down with and have a beautiful family with.  What I gathered from our conversations was that she came from a good family; she was interested in a long term relationship and loved to cook.            Moreover, she was a 6’0’’ and played volleyball player for The Ohio State University.  She was sounding better and better by the minute.  So much so, that I was thinking that she might be the one.

I got excited every time I saw her calling and had yet to meet her in person.  Was I falling in love with this woman?  Only time would tell.  I am not the type to fall so quickly but she was sweeping me off of my feet.

      What stood out from our phone communications was that she never said a curse word.  Then one day I asked her about it.   Me: “Elana, I just going to flat out ask you.  Do you ever cuss?”   Elana: “No not really.  I have before but you have to get me really mad and something may slip.  Good girls don’t have to use foul language.  My parents taught me to be lady like.”   Me: “Really?  I’ve never met a girl like you.  I admire that.  I can’t wait to meet you in person.”   Elana: “I’m anxious to meet you too!”   I was beginning to get butterflies.  She was saying all the right things, I was counteracting with all the right things.    Although Elana lived hours away, I couldn’t wait any longer to see her.    Me: “So do I get an invite to see you?”   Elana: “What took you so long to ask?  Whenever you are ready, you can meet me.”   My mouth responded before I could think about what I said.   Me: “I’m ready now.”   Elana was a little taken aback by my statement.   Elana: “What? Now? It is eight o’ clock at night.  You would not get here till late.”   Me:  “I was just playing...unless you're going to let me come.”   There was a long pause over the phone.   Elana: “I have workouts in the morning; I don’t think it is a good idea.  Plus it is a little late.”   Me: “I understand-”   Elana: “-But, I do really want to see you!  If you’re serious, I will text you my address.”   Me: “Send me that text, and I’ll see you soon.”   Elana: “You’re not serious but I will text you anyway.”   I hung up the phone and knew that Elana didn’t think I was serious.  However, I love to prove people wrong.  Sure enough Elana send me a text followed by a message doubting that I would come all the way out there.   Ten minutes later I was in my car on my way to Columbus, Ohio. I was so ecstatic, I immediately called JB.   Me: “Remind me to never doubt you!”       JB: “And why is that?”   Me: “I once doubted you about that site Match.com.  Well right now, I am on my way to meet my future wife in Columbus Ohio.”   JB: “Future wife? What are you talking about? You are driving all the way out there for some pussy?  You can just get pussy around here.”   Me: “Yeah but this is no ordinary girl.  She is a good girl, knows how to carry a conversation and get this... she doesn’t even cuss!”   JB: “Let me know how the pussy is!”   Me: “JB, I’m not going there for that.  This isn’t the kind of girl you have sex with on the first night. Trust me when I tell you this, she is different.”   JB: “What did I tell you before?  All girls on Match.com are sluts.  You even said yourself to remind you to never doubt you!  Well, I'm reminding you...don't doubt me!”   Me: “I beg to differ.  This is an exception.  I'm an expert in character and she is an amazing girl.  I’m not going to let your jaded perspective ruin my evening.  I’ll call you when I leave from her house cause I know she is not going to let me stay the night.”   JB: “Suit yourself, let me know how that goes...”          I got off of the phone with JB and was somewhat disappointed.  Did he not believe in love anymore?  Was he just hating on this great woman I discovered? After signing up for Match.com, I found out later that thousands of people found their spouses from the site.  It happened to them, why not me?          Subsequent to my drive, I had finally made it to Elana’s place.  She seemed taller and prettier in person.  She gave me a hug like I was a soldier coming home from the war.  Her place was spotless and she had scented candles burning.  It was obvious she cleaned her place inside and out just before I had arrived.   Elana: “Welcome to my place.  It is so good to finally meet you!”   I walked over and sat on her couch.   Elana: “Can I offer you anything to eat or drink?  I would offer you some wine but I don’t drink.  I did make some casserole earlier.”   Domesticated, down to earth, pretty and athletic.  I think we have a winner.  I was beginning to hear wedding bells in my head.    Me: “Water is fine thank you.”   Elana went to the kitchen grabbed me a bottle of water and brought it back to where I was sitting.  We continued to talk for another hour.  I didn’t want the night to end but I started to get somewhat sleepy.   Elana: “You seem a little tired.”       I admitted the obvious.   Me: “Yeah a little.” Elana: “Aww. It really means a lot that you came over here to see me tonight.  You deserve a massage.”   Elana reached over and started rubbing my neck and shoulders. I sat back and let her give one of the best massages of my life.   Me: “You have skills! Where did you learn how to give such great backrubs?”   Elana: “I learned from our athletic trainers.  The volleyball team is always getting treatment and they massage our shoulders.  I learned a lot from them.”   I was about to fall asleep so I cut my massage short.   Me: “I’m getting a little tired, I think it is best I get back on the road and head back.  Thanks for everything.  It was great meeting you.”   I stood up and got my things together.  Elana, being the selfless person she is, didn’t want me driving back so late.   Elana: “Wes, I’m really worried that you might fall asleep while driving back.  Why don’t you just take a nap and leave first thing in the morning.”   Elana was so sweet she offered to share her bed with me.   Elana: “Just so you know, you can sleep in my bed on one condition.”   Me: “What’s that?”   Elana: “I’m sleeping under the covers and you are sleeping on top.  I don’t want you rubbing anything on me when I’m trying to sleep.”          I agreed and just thought the world of Elana.  The more I was around her; the more l enjoyed the things she did. JB was completely wrong about this girl.  He was clueless and didn’t know quality when he saw it.  We made it to the bed and she the lights out.  The room was quiet like a library and I began dozing off.    Elana’s voice woke me up.   Elana: “Wes...are you awake?”   Me: “Barely. What’s up?”  

Elana: “Why didn’t you try and kiss me tonight? Are you not attracted to me?” 

      Me: “Oh no, I’m very attracted.”   Elana positioned herself over to me and gave me the most innocent peck on the lips.  I returned the gesture and gave her a peck on the lips.     Me: “Goodnight, I had fun with you tonight.”          Instead of getting a goodnight response, Elana got out from under the covers and positioned herself in a straddled position on top of me.  Her next actions surprised me somewhat.  She aggressively started kissing me.  It was like she was trying to do CPR on a conscious victim.            She went for my neck and was kissing it repeatedly like Woody Wood Pecker.  Elana let a moan and grabbed my right hand.  She placed it on her breast as she began to grind on me. Then she suddenly stopped.   Elana: “I’m so horny right now, I need to stop this.  I don’t want you thinking I’m a hoe.”   Me: “We aren’t even doing anything.  Why would I think you were a hoe?  Just be yourself .That’s you have  to do.  It’s just me in here.”   Elana: “Are you sure? You’re not going to think that I am a hoe for letting you stay over right?”   Me: “I’m positive.  Clearly you are a wonderful girl.”   Elana: “You really think so?”   Me: “I know so...”   Elana started kissing me again.  This time with more passion and greater force than before.  She reached back and cupped my balls like a jock strap.  Next, she grabbed my shirt and violently took it off.   Elana: “I want you to FUCK me right now!”   Me: “Excuse me?”   She demanded my dick as if she was declaring war on it.   Elana: “I want this Dick and I want you to fuck me now.”   Me: “Wait... I thought you didn’t cuss?”   Elana: “Damn it Wes!”   Me: “But...”  

       Elana yanked my pants down so quick I didn’t have time to react.  It was all one motion.  Then Elana started giving me head like a two headed monster.  If I didn’t know any better, I could have sworn their was two women giving me head down there.


Elana: “I told you before; I only cuss when I get mad.”   Me: “And you’re mad at me?”   Elana: “I’m mad you didn’t give me this dick earlier.”   After a few minutes she did like an ocean mammal and came up for air.   Elana: “I’m ready to fuck now.”   I was in utter shock. She went Pearl Harbor on my Donald Pump.  She attacked it with no notice whatsoever.    Elana: “So you’re not going to think I’m loose right?”    Once I got past the surprise attack my Niagara Balls, I grabbed my Ohio State Buckeye and went volleyball on her enchilada of love.  I gave it a few bumps, sets and spikes.   Me: “No, not all! You are still a wonderful girl. Wonderful personality, wonderful head and wonderful pussy.”   Elana: “Oh, like it when you talk shit to me.”           My pork chop was moving back and forth in her applesauce.  When all of a sudden I got that tingling feeling like I was about to spill my milk.  I had been working on the railroad and Dinah was about to blow.  I gave Elana a heads up.   Me: “This thing is about to skeet, it’s going to skeet!”   Elana pushed me off of her.    Elana: “No wait, don’t do it...not yet!”   Elana grabbed my Chief of Staff and placed it near her neck.   Elana: “I want it all over my chest, come give it to me.”   Next, my giving tree started giving...and giving...and giving a little more all over Elana’s body.   I must say, Elana was one happy camper.  When it was all said and done, she went back to the sweet innocent girl I knew.  She offered to grab me water and another massage.     The next morning I had a long drive back from Ohio.  I picked up my cell phone and called JB.  He answered the phone in a groggy voice.   JB: “Do you know what time it is?  Half of the world is still sleep.”   Me: “I called because, well... I owe you an apology.”       JB: “Apology for what?”   Me: “Forgive me for every doubting you!”   JB: “I don’t get it.”   Me: “Let me put it to you like this...If you can’t get laid on match, you can’t get laid anywhere.”     I thought Elana was something that she wasn’t.  In the end, JB was right about her.  I guess we all have our misjudgements when evaluating character.  On the bright side, not only was it fun while it lasted but I had fun while I was trying to last.  

        From now on, when one particular Midwestern state is mentioned in everyday conversations, most individuals hear it as Ohio.  On the contrary, I hear the same state mentioned and can’t help but think about when Elana blew me and my mind.  Ohio will forever be remembered to me as Oh-hi-ho.  

        Similar to Area 51, I had discovered a place that wasn't well known.  So if you ever run into any shy introverted women while visiting the great state of Ohio, beware.  You might find yourself in Oh-hi-ho, Ohio

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