1. One long chapter.


       I had been recovering from foot surgery and was watching television on the couch.  My foot was in a surgical boot propped up on the coffee table.  My phone rang and it was Parker on the other line.  I could hear loud music and laughter in the background.    Parker: “Dude! Where are you?  There are a handful of hotties at this party!”   Me: “What party?”   Parker: “Come on, I have been telling you about it all week!  Come over.  Quit feeling sorry foryourself.  You u have been on that couch all week.  You’re going to have fun.   There are a whole bunch of hot moms here.”           I got off the phone and started getting ready.  There is one thing that is guaranteed to get a lazy man to rise from the couch; the potential in getting his molten mushroom wet.  Once I arrived to the party, there was a lot going on.  There were people everywhere and the party goers fluctuated in age.             It was as if there were two parties going on.   The kids were mainly in the inside of the house, while the adults were mingling in the backyard.  The kids were preoccupied inside of the house because they were all having a video game tournament.  They were sipping on punch and eating homemade cookies.             On the other hand, the outside party was little more extravagant.   The DJ was playing Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers.  Hors d’oeuvres and champagne glasses were being passed around like a two dollar whore.  I walked toward the bar and sat down at one of the barstools and was angry at myself for even coming to party.   I wanted to send out my own funeral invitations because I knew I was going to die of boredom.             A Jillian Michaels look alike spotted me from the dance floor while I was sitting on a bar stool.   Her eyes squinted and she zeroed in on me.  She was noticeably a little buzzed from the champagne.  This gave her more courage to get what she wanted; me.  Boldly she walked over, grabbed my hand and started yanking my arm like a limp dick in the heat of passion.   MILF: “Come dance with me!”   Me: “No thanks. I am fine right here.  Plus I recently had surgery on my foot.”   MILF: “Quit being a bum.  I have been watching you all night and you have been sitting in this same spot.  You hear this music?  Don’t let these songs go to waste.”       Soon after she started pulling my arm as if it were a limp dick, she started talking to me as if I was a limp dick.    MILF: “Get up! Come ‘on!  You need to get up.”   I tried to stall and change the subject.   Me: “I’m sorry.   I didn’t catch your name.  But of course it’s hard to catch anything when I’m being blinded by that huge rock on your hand.”   MILF: “Colleen.”   With her hand still glued to my arm, I finally stood up.   Me: “Where is your husband?  Why isn’t he dancing with you?  I’m not trying to get beat up by a jealous husband at a kid’s holiday party.”   Colleen: “Trust me you have nothing to worry about.  We are just dancing and my husband has seen me dance with other people in front of him.”   Colleen quickly changed the subject from her husband to my cup I was holding.   Colleen: “You’re drinking water; which means that you constantly like to be aware of your surroundings.  You don’t like a lot of drama and are somewhat health conscious.  And judging by the way you are holding your cup, you like to be in control.”   Me: “You’re telling me that you picked all of that up from me holding a cup of water?”   Colleen: “Yep.  I’m what you would call a drink connoisseur.  I’ve studied social behavior and context clues that people give off in social settings.”   Colleen broke down social behaviors associated with other drinks such as wine, beer and various types of beverages.    Me: “How do you know all of this?  Was this a major you did in school?”   Colleen: “I'm a former CIA agent.  I stalked people for a living. I was paid to people watch.  I would often sit at random diners across the world and act like I was tourist.  My partner would act as my husband.  As if we were on a honeymoon.  I would pretend I was taking pictures of him but in reality, I would aim the camera, over his shoulder and take photos of our target.”   My mind was blown like the consequence of a fatal suicide.   Me: “Now that is what I call a job!”   Colleen: “It wasn’t all cracked up as it sounds.  It was boring most of the time.  Just following random people and then nothing would become of it.  It wasn’t like the way it’s depicted in the movies.” 
      Me: “Why did you get out of it?”   Colleen: “My husband wanted me to stay home and watch the kids.  He still works for the agency while I take care of the kids.”   Me: “Since I’m out here dancing with you, I am not going to get shot and my body disappearing am I?”   Colleen: “No, no, no.  As I told you before, my husband is out of the country."    Me: “But couldn’t he get access to all of your phone records, internet searches and all that?”   Colleen: “I’m sure he could with good reason.”   Three songs had passed and Colleen was already playing grab ass.  She kept squeezing both of my booty cheeks like they were stress balls.   Colleen: “You have such a nice ass.  If I wasn’t married, we would be having a lot of fun.”   Me: “You’re not having fun now?”   Colleen: “I am but if I wasn’t married, we would probably leave this party a little early and finish the night back at my place.”           Colleen was kind of like a rental car.  You wouldn’t mind taking it for a spin for the day and riding it rough.  However, you knew you had to turn it back in to its rightful owner after putting a few extra miles on it.  It was apparent that Colleen loved to work out.  She was in her mid to late forties and had an ass like an apple.  However, since she was married, her apple was forbidden fruit.           Like anal sex, the night came to an end.   I didn’t even try to close the deal with a phone number.  Even though I left with a piece of mind, I could tell Colleen wanted to get a piece of mine.  I had refused to take a bite from the forbidden fruit.   The following week, I got a call from a local number that I failed to recognize.  It was a sexy woman’s voice on the other line.   Woman’s voice: “Hi! Wes?”   Me: “Yes... who is this?”   Woman’s voice: “This is Colleen from the Holiday party.  Remember me?  I was the only person able to peel you off the bar stool that you were glued to.”    Me: “I remember.  How did you get my number?"   Colleen: “Where there is a will, there is a way.”
            The fact that Colleen was able to get my number was somewhat suspect.  She was displaying early characteristics of a stalker.  To this day, I never knew how Colleen got my number and she refused to tell me.  It has always been her little secret.   Since she was an attractive MILF, I just went along with it.            Colleen reminded me of a classic car.  Although it was built before you were born, everyone loved to look at it.  You also wanted to know what it was like in the inside, even though you knew it had been around the block a few times.   Colleen: “I had a few minutes before I had to pick my kids up from school and wanted to know if you could meet me for lunch.”           I was flattered that this woman was inviting me to lunch so I agreed.  We met up for lunch at her favorite Greek restaurant.  The lunch was as innocent as a suspect pleading guilty with no evidence left unturned.   She was flirting with me the whole time.             The lunch dates went on for a few weeks.  I could tell that Colleen was starting to get emotionally invested.  She would reveal things about her marriage that was falling apart and how she always felt neglected at home.  She was a desperate housewife.             Colleen would call me every day when her husband left for work and she dropped the kids off to school.  The worse thing about the whole situation was that she lived in my same neighborhood and her best friend Sharon, lived a few houses down from me.             I was physically attracted to her and over time saw her as a good friend.  I wanted to taste the forbidden fruit but like an illegal immigrant, I knew I wasn’t supposed to cross that line. Early one morning, Colleen called me.   Colleen: “Happy Birthday, big boy!”   Me: “Ah, you remembered my birthday!  Thank you!”   Colleen: “What are you doing today?”   Me: “A few of my friends are taking me to dinner tonight and then we are going out later.”   Colleen: “I need to see you today.  I have a surprise for your birthday.”   I was excited and grateful that Colleen thought about me on my birthday.  It was icing on the cake that she had a surprise for me.     Me: “What is it?”   Colleen: “Well I have to see you so I can give it to you.  Are you busy now?”   Me: “No, I was about to watch some TV.”   Colleen: “Come over, I am house sitting for Sharon right down the street.”
      Me: “Where is Sharon?”   Colleen: “They went on a vacation and will be back next week.  My husband took the kids to the zoo today and I have to meet up with in a bit.  I told them I would meet at the zoo because he had to take my son to his baseball game.   Anyway, hurry up and come over before your surprise gets cold.”   Me: “”I’ll be right over.”         I eagerly left my place with a pep in my step and walked down to Sharon’s house.  I feared that my surprise was going to get cold.  I hurried as fast as I could.  There is nothing worse than eating a home cooked meal that grows cold.  I like my food just like I like my women; hot and smelling good. I rang the doorbell and anxiously awaited my surprise.       Colleen opened the door and let me in.  Next she embraced me with a sensual hug.   Colleen: “I wanted to be one of the people that you spent your special day with.”   Colleen gave me a light kiss on the cheek.          I tried to anticipate what she may have been cooking on the stove.  I took a whiff of the air only to find out that my sense of smell was only detecting, aroma of her sweet perfume.  Somewhat confused, I walked in the kitchen and inquired about my surprise.   Me: “I rushed over here because you said my surprise was getting cold.”   Colleen: “It was getting cold.  Stay right there, I need to go get it.”          Colleen scurried out of the kitchen as my back leaned against the kitchen counter.  Colleen was gone for about five minutes.  The anticipation was rattling my brain and I grew impatient.   Me: “Hello?  Are you still in here?”   Colleen yelled from the next room.   Colleen: “OK, close your eyes and count to ten.”   I closed my eyes tight, and was expecting a fancy cake with candles.   Me: “One, two, three, four...”   I could hear Colleen’s voice grow closer to me.   Colleen: “Are they closed?  You’re not cheating are you?”   Me: “No! I have ‘em closed.”   Colleen: “Okay, open!  Surprise!”    
         I open my eyes and my surprise was glaring right at me. Colleen stood in front of me wearing a white satin strapless corset with garters and a G-string.  My regurgitator of rejuvenation started expanding and trying to break through my zipper.  I took a big gulp like I stole from 7-Eleven.   Colleen: “Happy Birthday!”   Colleen walked towards me with her lips puckered out like she was trying to kiss me.  I resisted her kiss my pushing her off of me.   Me: “Thank you!  But you said my surprise was getting cold.”   Colleen: “I’m the surprise. I was getting cold. I even wore your favorite color.  You can give it to me right here and right now.”   Me: “But you are married...I can’t."   As I hesitated, she then made me say verbatim her prior employer’s name without me even realizing it.    Me: “See, I...”   She grabbed my crotch.   Me: “Aye!”            She moved in closer and started kissing on my neck.  As she kissed on my neck and felt on my chest, my conscious had an argument with itself.  It was Good Wes vs. Bad Wes.   Good Wes: “What are you doing?  She is married; you have never been with a married woman.  Plus you met her at a youth event.  Be a role model for kids.”   Bad Wes:  “It never matters how or where people meet.   What really counts is when your little member is doing one armed pushups inside of a dark tunnels until reaches the point at which he is forced to vomit.”   Colleen unbuckled my belt and pulled my pants down, just enough to show penis cleavage.   Good Wes: “Stop while you’re ahead! It’s not too late. You are going to break up a happy home.  You can’t send her the zoo with dick on her breath.  Get out of the house! Abort the mission!”   Bad Wes: “Look here, all she wants to do is probably spit shine the little German war helmet.   It’s only head, it’s not really cheating.”          I had made up my mind.  I wasn’t going to do it.  Call me a sucker.  I needed to have some dignity about the situation.  It was all wrong.  I could never live with the fact that she would do the mess around with me, and then kiss her beautiful children when she saw them.  With my mind made up I reached down to pull my sagging pants up.            She saw what I was trying to do and instead of letting me go free, she stripped my pants down like an ‘82 Chevy caprice going in for a paint job.  Next, I heard the call of the wild.  All of the making up my mind and moral shit went out of the window.  She was acting like it was the first day of spring and her pussy was coming out of hibernation.  While her husband was at the zoo with the kids, she made me feel as if I was at the zoo with her.  
         She started grabbing for my elephant trunk as I glanced at her camel toe.  Then she started spanking my monkey.  So I reached over and felt her duck-billed platypus.  I assumed she was sporting a bald eagle but when she pulled her panties off, she revealed a tiger stripe.  Her beef curtains were looking like a stingray.   Colleen: “I have more surprises to give you.  Tell me how you like this...”           As I was still leaning against the counter, she was like a polar bear they way she went down on my north pole. Giving me long neck like a giraffe. She was giving me that Gorilla head; the kind that will make Tarzan beat his chest.  This caused my foot to move like tail of a rattlesnake.  All I could think about was her alligator snapper.           I picked her up on put her on the kitchen counter.  Her legs opened up like the wings from a monarch butterfly.  She pulled me close and wrapped her hand around my chicken like a boa constrictor.  I started giving her my milk snake.             Colleen had some good octopus.  I was trying to save my little tadpoles like they were an endangered specifies.  I didn’t want them escaping too early.  In the middle of it all, I felt like an unfaithful Muslim because I knew I shouldn’t have been porking.  I felt like a vulture, I was enjoying a meal that wasn’t mine.   After a few minutes her pelican had my squinty blowpop spitting like a llama.           While I was still out of breath and trying to gather myself, Colleen’s phone started ringing.  We both looked at each other standing naked like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.  She looked down at the caller ID.   Colleen: “Shit, it’s my husband.”   She grabbed the phone and answered.   Colleen: “Hi Hun.  Yes, I am still at Sharon’s house.  Did Jason win his game? That’s great!  Well, I am just wrapping it up over here at Sharon’s.  I am just going to wipe the counter off cause I spilled some juice then I’ll head you too. Bye!”   Colleen hung up the phone and I gave her a look as if I couldn’t believe what she had said.   Colleen: “What?  I didn’t lie!  We wrapped it up over here, and I am going to wipe that counter.  I can’t have Sharon eating from the counter when I had sex juices all over it.”   Colleen wiped the counter down, we got in her car and she dropped me off down the street.  The rest of my birthday was a blur.  I had just screwed a former CIA agent that was currently married to a CIA agent. That is the quickest way to come up missing.
              I was paranoid for the next few months.  I was looking over my shoulder constantly.  I kept having nightmares that her husband would use interrogation tactics so I would confess to hitting the pussy.          After my birthday, Colleen’s calls became less and less frequent until they eventually stopped.  Either she felt guilty about the situation or she just moved onto the next guy.  Regardless, I took a bite of the forbidden fruit and made apple pie with it.  She brought the cake and I came with the icing.  Happy Birthday to me.


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