This is Me

This is me. The real me. The past I rarely share. The secrets I've hiden. My joy. My hurt. School. My friends. Everything.
This, this is me.

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10. Bad Day... Bad Memories :'(

(12-12-12) I'm dead..... I am dead.... I died... And now I'm dead.... UGGGGGHHHH!

Hahaha... Yesterday Mrs. Turner was tlking bout monks and this kid yells "THEY WERE IN HANGOVER PART 2!" and we all were like laughing really hard. Yea.. This did cheer me up a little. I guess..... I'm listening to Greyson Chance's Hold on Til The Night(As all my twitter followers know from my tweets of me going off on the owl... That jerk!) I ruined to chances today. I ruined any chance I had with Lucus, but tellling him I liked him. YEAH! He doesn't like back.

I go up to Charlie and I say "Did you give him the note?" and he laughed. And I start rubbing my arm and I bit my lip(nervous habbits). He smiles this smile he has. I mean, it's a sweet smile, but sometimes it scares me. Because he has 3 smiles(I'm observant. I notice things everyone is like "Stalker!" about. But, if I'm going to stalk someone|Which I wont| I'm stalking Louis Tomlinson or Greyson Chance! People worth my stalker time). His laugh smile, which is just an average laugh. He's regular smile, which he almost always has on his face. Then there is his super happy/creppy smile. It's a devious smile, really. I tell him who I like, because I trust him. I mean, me and him have our issues. But, no matter what embarrasing thing I saw to him, he doesn't tell a soul without permission from me first. I find it sweet that he does that. But that smile he smiled, I just knew right then, right there. I had no chance with Lucus.

That hit me, hard. It was like someone punched me in the gut. And every time I thing of Charlie smileing. The way he had this sympathitic edge in his voice when he said "Yea. He read the note," and I died. Right then. Right there. I feel like I might vomit.... Then cry for a while.

And of corse I have to be a compete IDIOT around Kevin today by showing him a rock that looked like a gun(Science teach gave it to me) pointing it at him, and going "PU! PU!" then he just gave me this look.... This look that hurt. I don't think he honestly meant to hurt me. Idk... I can't describe all of the situation, because I don't remember half of what happened....

I mean, I'm already hurting. And then today happens. My Grandma died back in April or May or whatever. Christmas is soon, and it's my first withour her. Without calling her. After she died I'd never been so depressed in my whole life. The last thing I remember saying to her was "See ya soon Grandma!" And ya know what! It hurts when the last thing you say to someone is a lie! Ik I'm usually all happy in this. I'm always saying random crap and being a bundle of fun! But that's hard when you have a day that hurts so bad. You know, I forgot my Grandma died.... I just thought it was a nightmare. I wanted to call her yesterday.. But I couldn't, becuase she was dead. And her being dead hurts. I have a Christmas present for her. Idk what to do with it now! It's worthless without her! I can't go a day without thinking about her. I cry when I see pictures of her. I cry when I think of her. I'm crying as I type this. You know, I couldn't go up to her body at the funeral. I tryed at the veiwing. I got infrount of it, looked at her, and just collapsed. I was balling. Me and my cousins hung out, and I can say I laughed a little. But Ik, I'll never EVER go to her grave without crying. I hope you reading this realize I haven't even told my best friend this! She'll find out though ;)

How do people do this? Lose someone they love and not care. Lose a chance with someone you really like and then say "He wasn't even that cute!" I mean, seriously!

 

Greyson Chance is cheering me up alittle.... Sunshine and City Lights :)

I love him. His voice... He's my insperation. I'm gonna write a fanfic about him, but give me time....  I'm not updating for a while... I mean around Christmas. I'm taking a break from all this.. I'm isolating myself from electionics. I'll still text and stuff(Chill Ari). But computer, I'm taking a break. If I get on my computer I'm only checking twitter (@Sam_1639 Follow me. Cody Simpson does!) or listening to music. I just... I need a break.

Luv ya Buhnnys..... I just need time...

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