She Said


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2. She Said

 

 

What good does it cause to put someone down about themselves? Make them think twice about the proud person they have become? Make them question everything they have ever believed about them selves?

 

What good does it do to call a girl fat and ugly? Laugh at the shirt she wore and tell her she looks like a cow in it? Point at her shoes and shriek with joy at the fact that they don't match her outfit?

 

Does it make them feel better knowing that girl is going to go home and stare at herself in the mirror and believe every word. Examine every angle of her body while the tears roll down her cheeks, believing what the girls told her.

 

"They wouldn't tell me that if it's not true."

 

She'd strip off her clothes and get in the shower, where her tears can't be seen, her sobs not to be heard, the water so hot it hurts.

 

"I'm such a loser. No one is ever going to like me. Why would they? I'm a thousand pounds, fatty."

 

She'd be hit with sudden anger. Anger at the girls for ruining the little self-esteem and self-respect she had built up for her self. Anger at her parents for letting her become so huge and grotesque. Anger at the boy who told her she was beautiful last year.

 

"It was a joke. They told him to tell me that, so I'd look like a fool believing it."

 

Anger at her self for believing him, for letting her self become so huge, for letting these girls hurt her, for being who she is.

 

"Why can't I look like them? Why can't I just have a perfect body and nice clothes? Why can't I just be likable and pretty?"

 

It gets worse in the weeks to come. Everyday being subjected to the taunting and teasing, only more kids join in. Her friends, scared that they're going to be next, stop talking to her one by one. They boy who told her she's beautiful last year has joined in on the teasing and taunting. She refuses to tell her parents, not wanting them to make a big deal with the school.

 

She's alone. She's scared. She's hurt. She's confused. She's so full of hatred and disgust for herself.

 

"You're fucking hideous. No body will ever love you. If you go, no one will miss you, fatty."

 

She's now started to starve herself in a desperate attempt to lose weight, not eating for days. When she does, she immediately throws it back up. She now keeps her water so hot in her shower, it leaves slight burn marks. She now tears apart shaving razors, and presses the metal to skin. Night after night.

 

"You deserve this. You don't deserve to be happy. You deserve the pain. You're worthless."

 

Months have passed now. Shes now in a size two, not a size seven. She refuses to wear any clothes that aren't name brand. She still won't eat, scared to gain any weight. They still make fun of her, calling her a try-hard and a wanna be.

 

"What do they want?! I'm everything they told me to be! What more can I do?"

 

Her parents have noticed the change in her, but believe it's just a phase she's going through. It'll pass in a year, they said.

 

After a year, it's gone from just in school, to everywhere. Online, through the mail, even when she's out of school.

 

"I can't do this. If they all want me gone so bad, I'll make sure they get what they want."

 

She plans it all out. Chooses a date she knows her parents will be gone with her little brother. Makes sure the bottle is full. Makes sure the note is all written out with everything she's ever felt.

 

Finally, the date comes. Her parents lock the door behind them, trying to protect their daughter from outside harm. Little did they know the damage is done. She runs up the stairs, bottle in her hands. Rips the letter out of the drawer and re-reads it, making sure everything she wants to say is in it. With shaking hands, she opens the bottle, silent tears streaming down her face. She pops a few in her mouth and swallows. A few more, a few more, more, more and more until the bottle of fifty is empty.

 

Feeling dizzy she lays down on her bed, curled up next to her favorite teddy bear, hand collapsed around the note. Second by second she fades away. Every thing they've ever said flashing through her mind.

 

Worthless, fatty, lard-o, cow, whale, wanna-bee, loser, try-hard, dumb ass. Over and over again they flash. With her last breath, she whispers the words that have been on her lips for so long.

 

"I'm sorry."

 

Her parents arrive home to a silent home. They yell out her name and get nothing in return. They think nothing of it. She's just asleep, they said.They sent her little brother up the stairs to confirm their suspicion  and he comes running back down with a note.

 

' Mom and Dad, if you havent figured out already im gone. They won. Please try to understand this isnt your fault. There is nothing you couldve done. I love you both so much and im sorry for the pain im going to cause you. Please tell my little brother i love him so much and not to be sad. Sissy is in a better place where they cant hurt me. Tell my friends its not their fault. I understand why they did what they did. I love them all. Tell the boy who called me beautiful last year thank you for making me feel good even if it was only for a short while. I love you guys so much and im sorry.'

She doesn't believe what she's reading and sprints up stairs to her room. Finding her daughter cold and lifeless, curled up on her bed. A cry of pure agony escapes her lips as her husband comes running up the stairs to find his little girl dead on her bed, her mom collapsed on the floor in front of the bed. He screams and throws things, not letting himself believe it.

 

Hiding behind the door way, her little brother watches his dad try and wake sissy while mommy pulls daddy off her. His young, untainted five year old mind can't process what's going on. He walks up and shakes his sleeping sister. Nothing. He shakes a little hard. Nothing. He asks his hysteric mother why sissy won't wake up. She sweeps him up and holds him close. His dad comes to hold the both of them, all crying. 

 

Five years later, nothing has ever returned to normal. Her class mates are all in therapy, still trying to cope with what happened. Her mother left her family, not being able to be deal with the constant reminders of her dead daughter. Her father works as much as possible, keeping his mind occupied with any thoughts but work. Her little brother is a ticking time bomb, so angry at the world. Now being able to fully comprehend what happened to his big sister, his hero, his best friend, his play mate. He doesn't understand why someone would be so mean to her. In his eyes, she was perfect. 

 

Every girl and boy that ever bullied her now visits her grave every week. Begging and praying for her to be happy. They regret every word they've ever said to her. They try and take it back. They try and forget. They try and repent. Nothing can clear their guilty conscious. 

 

It's even worse for her friends. They left her, abandoned her in her time of need. Maybe if I would of stayed by her side she'd still be here, they think. Maybe if I had stuck up for her, even only once, she would be here. They all hate themselves. Hate what they've become. 

 

All this, because that girl said she was fat. 

 

 

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