Find Me

What if the bodyguard that left you 5 years ago has came back into your life with 5 immature boys that go by the name "One Direction."

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1. Every Part Of Me

 

 

Sam's P.O.V

 

'My heart's a stereo

It beats for you, so listen close

Hear my thoughts in every no-o-o-te'

"Sam, turn that bloody phone off!" Charlie kept moaning in my ear for about the 100th time today, damn that boy never shuts up. I put my X-Box controller down and lifted my phone up to finally check it, and it has 12 missed calls and 17 texts. 6 missed calls and 8 texts from Paul, 4 missed calls and 5 texts from Jessie and 2 missed calls and 4 texts from Bridget. Can't any of these people give me a little space from time to time. I turned the phone on vibrate and set it back down on the coffee table whilst I lifted the controller back up.

"Sammy have you got your stuff packed for Paul coming?" Thomas shouted from the kitchen to see if me and Charlie were actually behaving ourselves and not acting like kids. Charlie and I have been lying on the couch playing video games for the past 3 hours and talking crap to each other. We're waiting on Paul to come and pick me up and to take me to somewhere that I will get a babysitter. Yay!

"You do realize that Paul is gonna have something evil planned for you?" Charlie said suddenly bringing me out of my thoughts.

"What could be more evil than the fact that he's taking away my baby's?"

"Come on, it's only gonna be 2 weeks without your X-Box. It's not going to be the end of the world, or in your case it might actually just be that."

"Oh, Ha fucking Ha!" I said as I threw a pillow at Charlie, "I'm not bothered about that I'm bothered by the fact that he's shipping me off to some place that I don't know. What could he be planning, I mean what if he's shipping me off to Guantanamo Bay and I have to eat c...."

"Whoa whoa whoooaaa! I don't think he's that evil, I mean come on its Paul. The only evil thing Paul is capable of doing to you is telling you to shut-up."

"I know that but I don't want any surprises with the week we've had."

"He knows that we've had a tough couple of days and I promise you that it will get easy. I miss him too but he's an asshole who would tell you to grow a set of balls and deal with it."

"I don't think Ash would like that you're calling him an asshole and you're right, I gotta grow a set and try and get passed this with you guys. He was your brother and I’m sitting here moping around like I’m the only one who lost him and I appreciate the fact the you and your parents are here, I know it's hard for you all too."

"Sammy its fine. If we weren't here I think my parents and I would have gone crazy and plus not only do we need you but you need us... How are they healing anyways?"

"They're healing fast and I know it was stupid, I just can't get my head around all this drama. I mean the rumors  tweets, comments and Ashley. I just hope that this thing Paul has planned will help me take my mind of everything... Speaking of Paul, there he is!"

"Mum! Dad! Paul's here! Have you got everything?"

"Yes dad. I'm going to miss you Char-Char."

"I gonna miss you to Sammy. Just don't forget to call and text me."

"What if he does end up sending me to Guantanamo..."

"Go! I promise he won't do that and if he does I’ll go all Prison Break and get the blueprints tattooed on me."

"I'm gonna hold you to that. Deal?"

"Deal!"

"Bye Char-Char." As I hugged Charlie I didn't want to let go of him, I don't want to let him go in case this was the last hug I would ever get from him. I reluctantly let go of him as he gave me one last kiss on my forehead. His lips lingered there for a few seconds, as he removed his lips I could still feel his them on me.

"Bye Baby Girl."

As I started making my way out of my house and as I walked down the steps, I couldn't bare to turn around to look at his face. I'm leaving my little bro behind while he deals with this on his own, he might have his parents and siblings but I'm the only one who can get through to him and get him to talk about his feelings and his problems.

I slowly dragged my suitcases across the stone path I blanked everything out of my mind and all I could think of was one thing. I tried my best not to think about it but the thought of doing it made me feel like it was the only thing that could make these pains go away. The image of the blood trickling down my arms and my legs kept flashing in my mind and as much as I wanted to feel strong I wanted, No! I needed to do it.

I looked up to see Paul and Chars mom and dad standing talking and as I approached them they turned to look at me. Paul came and helped with my bags as Thomas and Suzanne came and hugged me.

When I'm letting go of them and when I walk away, I don't want to remember that when I next talk to them or see or visit them they won't be happy and they won't be sitting at the dinner table, happy with the whole family and I won't be sitting there with Charlie to my left and Ashley to my right. I want to forget that he's not here and he's still on tour and he didn't come back just to help me with my fucked up life. If he didn't come back he would still be here. He would still be alive...

"You Okay?"

"Yeah, I just don't wanna leave yet."

"Don't worry. Paul told us where you're going, so we will get to see you still."

"Wait, he told you where he's taking me? Is it close and is it nice and does it have an X-Box or the internet and will..."

"Hold your horse’s kiddo. Yeah he did tell us and we promised we'll let him tell you. And yes,of course it has an X-Box and it has unlimited internet!"

"It better have or I’ll go on strike." Paul beeped the horn and I turned to look at him and he shouted out of the tinted window "We have to get going!"

"Well I better get going. I'm gonna miss you guys."

"Were gonna miss you too kiddo. If you don't like it there remember that you're always welcome to stay with us but please just try this for 2 weeks, you don't know you might like it. And no matter what your choice is we will always stand by your decisions."

"Thanks. And you're right. 2 weeks, I can do this I’m Irish. The Irish can do anything, they have the luck of the Leprechauns."

"No the Irish can do anything with a couple of pints in them."

"Thomas!"

"What Suzanne! You know it’s true. Everyone knows that, no offence Sammy."

"None taken. I'll have a few pints then."

"No! You will not have a few pints. You can have some not a few. Thomas stop encouraging her! You better get going before Paul has a mad fit."

"We love you kiddo. And if you need me and I'm not at home you'll find me at the hospital. And Suzanne will be at home or at the office. Don't be afraid to come and talk to us about anything, we're here for you."

"I love you guys too! Tell Char-Char that I love him too."

I climbed into the backseat of Paul's Range rover and as I buckled my seat belt I looked at Thomas and Suzanne as the smiled and waved at me. I forced a smile back at them as we backed out of the driveway and Paul turned and looked at me, he knew something was up and he knew that I wouldn't talk about it.

I turned around and grabbed my guitar from the boot and I looked around for my bag and took out my black book. Opening the book at a new page and setting the book aside I started to strum the guitar to find the notes to suit the song that was now forming in my head. I began to strum the cords.

 'Oh, oh

I feel like I'm a million miles away

From myself, more and more these days

I've been down so many open roads

But they never lead me home

And now I just don't know

Who I really am, how it's gonna be

Is there something that I can't see

I wanna understand'

 

 

I really feel like I’m not myself anymore. I've went down on hell of a road that just keeps changing me, and I just don't know anymore. Maybe there's a bigger picture that I’m not seeing, I wanna understand.

 

 

'Maybe I will never be who I was before

Maybe I don't even know her anymore

Or maybe who I am today

Ain't so far from yesterday

Can I find a way to be

Every part of me'

 

When I started I was Samantha Johnston not Sam the person who is never out of the papers for partying and causing conflict. I don't know her anymore, I just want to be her again. I want to be every part of me.

 

 

'So I'll try, try to slow things down

And find myself, get my feet back on the ground

It'll take time but I know I'll be alright

Cause nothing much has changed on the inside

It's hard to figure out how it's gonna be

Cause I don't really know now

I wanna understand

 

 

Maybe I will never be who I was before

Maybe I don't even know her anymore

Or maybe who I am today

Ain't so far from yesterday

Can I find a way to be

Every part of me, yeah

 

 

I don't wanna wait too long

To find out where I'm meant to belong

I've always wanted to be where I am today

But I never thought I'd feel this way

 

 

Maybe I will never be who I was before

Maybe I don't even know her anymore

Or maybe who I am today

Ain't so far from yesterday

Can I find a way to be

Every part of me, every part of me'

 

I don't wanna keep feeling like this. I don't want to wait too long until I find her again. If I don't know who I am today how am I suppose to find the original me. I hope I find her soon.

I wanna Find Me...

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