I seem like any ordinary girl, but the pain and hell I go through is unbearable. After the numerous amount of times I've been abused, I've come to the decision that I am a new person. No one will change that, not my boyfriend Luke or our four best friends Jay, Nolan, James, and Will. I am no longer the girl who was silly and outgoing. Honestly I didn't know who I was for the past weeks but I did know what I could do to end my pain, although it would affect my friends in the worst of ways.


2. 2 Jay


"No! No!" I kept crying, she was gone.. How could this happen? She's gone.. Luke was obviously taking this terribly, as he left a hole in the wall. But then again who wouldn't be taking this terribly...

A group of doctors rushed past us and we remembered.. "Luke." He had gone into the room and hadn't come out yet. I looked over to each of them, all with teary eyes and we all ran with the doctors.

The doctors opened a door and I caught a quick glimpse of Luke on the floor.. With blood surrounding him.

"Luke!" I was being hauled away by someone.. "No! Don't touch me!" I slipped away from who ever was holding me back. I ran by Luke and saw the slit on his arm. "Luke.. Why? Please not you. Please." I covered his arm with my hand and tried to make the bleeding stop, I looked over to their hands, they we held strong together.

"You need to go now... You cannot be here." One of the doctors pushed me away and began working on him. He can't be dead, please not him too. Please. I had lost one friend, I was not going to lose another!

I sat on the floor crying, two people I love. One in which was gone and one who I was.. close to it. I cried harder and I saw Wills' eyes in shock as he pulled me away, bawling.

"No! Why? Why them? Why!" I screamed out loud, why them.. Why?

I saw Nolan and James crying onto the walls and Nolan lost control of himself and slid down to the ground as he did, he flipped a chair that was next to him. I cried on Will, how was this all happening?


One week later...

No one has spoken at all.

I hadn't slept since the night.. The night Luke and his girlfriend, our friend had died. I missed them both, she went through so much pain and Luke was in love with her. I just, I couldn't wrap my head around the fact..

They're both gone.

It was the funeral. I was standing next to the caskets as they were soon to be lowered.

I looked down and tears ran down my cheek. I turned to look at Luke's mum fall to the ground crying hysterically. I looked back to the ground.

"Luke Edward Smith, may you rest in peace... May they both rest in peace, together."

Will cried and put on top of Luke's casket a lock with keys, "They're with you now." On her casket he put a bear, "Prize possession from the carnival. Goodbye.. To both of you." He whispered and walked away. He had put keys because Luke had a tattoo on his arm with a lock to show the time they had put a lock on bridge to show the meaning of their friendship. The bear was where we had gone to the carnival and she kept losing in a game and Will tried and won and she had picked the bear as the prize. They were really close, we were all close we just all bonded really well...

I looked as he walked away, he didn't look up... He simply walked away. James couldn't look up either, he just starred down and put his hands on the caskets.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered as he walked in a different direction than Will. 

Nolan then walked away without a word to say, I looked up.

"I saw you die Luke. I can't sleep without knowing I won't see your curly haired head the next morning. I spent every minute with you two, knowing you're both gone. I don't know what to think. I love you both, I'll see you both soon. Goodbye mate. Goodbye love."

I looked at Luke's mum and she cried with a sad look and I walked off.

That was it.. They were both gone. Never to be seen ever again. Why would something.. something so terrible happen to two people who had so much for them.

I cried and got into my car. I drove off.

"See you soon..." I drove, not stopping at a stop sign, red light... Let what happen come already.

After a long time of speeding as I drove, a semi-truck came passing by as I drove on a red light. I didn't feel anything, I just felt a pinch and that was it. 



Sirens were surrounding me, "He has to be alive!" I felt a shock go throughout my body and I opened my eyes.

 "Why.. Why- Why.. didn't I die?!" I had a hard time making out words. "Wh- Why!" I couldn't breathe and I felt my heart beat faster and faster.

"Calm down!" I breathed harder and I was back to feeling nothing.



6 Months later...

"The terrible accident, of two teenagers committing suicide... It has been a saddening experience for their families. A great bigger one to their friends who were in a band with Luke. Jay Russel, is currently in treatment after being in tragic accidents. James Luroli, has been arrested for drug abuse. Nolan Mason has had alcohol poisoning from what we've been told. Will Reith has been announced with... insanity. These events have been the worst for them and their families, all respect goes towards them." 

I woke up to the television announcing about us on the local news, I have tried over five times to kill myself. Each time I had managed to live.

The first I had gotten hit by a truck, then I drank bleach twice, also tried to drown, the reason I'm here I tried to hang myself. Who knows who had walked in on me as I hung from the ceiling. I looked around with my eyes about to close, I saw a nurse who stared at me.

"Why?" I looked carefully at her and I shrugged. She looked at me and began to pick up things around me.

"You didn't eat again." I looked away from her and put my attention back to the TV. 

"Please eat something." I looked at the nurse again and shook my head gently. I wasn't hungry, hardly ever was now a days.

"Please." She handed me an apple. I looked at her as she set the apple down next to me.

She sighed and walked out of the room. I was left alone like usual again. Luke Smith... dead. I could never get over it, he had taken his life for the girl of his dreams, she had taken her life because she had had enough.

I've had enough... Why couldn't I die? Each time I tried, I managed to stay alive.

I had no one, my family couldn't look at me without crying, my girlfriend broke up with me. I didn't even have the lads. It's unbelievable, James arrested for drug abuse. Nolan with alcohol poisoning? Will... insanity? All these things weren't us, we were the kids that were always outside having fun, doing dumb things, we were teenagers -well we still are- but everything just happened so quickly and its, I don't know...

But then again who would believe that I would have tried so many times to kill myself... I just thought I could be happy, because after hearing she had killed herself my life was shattered, I believed I could go through it with the boys... Including Luke.

But now it seemed like I would never be happy, never be able to sing again, never smile in front of someone, but I could end the suffering. Taking my life does seem like an answer, because I have no other choice.

I don't want to live.


It's been another week, they finally let me go. I have to take these classes now, I'm going to spend every Saturday with a group of suicidal kids. I didn't consider myself suicidal exactly, just a person who couldn't and can't handle anything anymore.

"I'm not going there." What did these people not understand? I'm not suicidal. "Jay, be quiet. I have had enough from you." 

My mum didn't understand, she began crying.. again. "Do you know how it feels like? Having to know that your son wants to die, that he hates everything so much! He wants to die? Please Jay. Go to the class. One.. Just one... I just want my son to be better."

Just to stop hearing her cry, I got into the car to start driving.

"I'm driving." I sighed, I moved to the passengers and my mum began driving. 

After arriving to the class and being followed by people I sat down. Cookies were set on a table with coffee, who did they think we were? Did they believe any of the people in this room wanted to be here. I ignored everyone and sat down, I wasn't going to eat any of that food, disgusting. 

People looked at me, I didn't belong here... I wasn't one of them.

"Welcome, all of you." Everyone stayed quiet, I took a look around the room, spotting a girl with a One Direction sweater. She looked at me and looked away.

"We have two new people here... Would you like to introduce yourselves? Jay." My attention pulled away from the girl and I looked at the man who looked at me.


"Introduce yourself."

I made a weird face and I laid back on the chair I sat in, "My names Jay Russel, I'm 19.."

"Why are you here?"

"I only came because my mum forced me, as childish as that sounds. I only did it so she would stop crying."

"You must have had a reason your mum forced you? What was it?"

"I tried killing myself. Five times. Can I just say... I don't belong here. It's called a suicidal class, and plain and simple I'm not suicidal. I'm just a person who doesn't believe there's something else to live for." Everyone looked at me.

"So who do you think we are? People who just came to a decision with no reason that just decided we want to die?" The girl with the sweater talked back to me, she was strange to me. But something about her told me she was a good person. I didn't realize they went through the same thing as me, so they all had a reason they tried to kill themselves.

"I didn't realize..."


"And you? What's your name and why are you here?" I waited for her to answer, I never care what anyone has to say but I wanted to know her name.

"My names Sammie. I have no parents but I lived with my snotty sister who couldn't keep down a job." She paused and went on, "I had a boyfriend though, he was amazing. We were both crazy about each other... Um... Well on day I ran away from my sister when she told me I was a good for nothing kid who just wasted every ones time. I had been hit who know how many times, so I went to this bridge close by where I ran off too. I decided why not jump? My boyfriend caught me on the edge of a bridge, how strange he was just in his car passing by. I was prepared to jump. He tried stopping me... He ended up slipping when he tried to reach for me. I couldn't live with the thought of someone taking their life for me so I jumped when the police came and it was a miracle, to them at least, they caught my hand and pulled me up."

I was shocked about her story, I wanted to know more about her, "Were you really going to do it?" She looked over to me, "I jumped didn't I?"

She was brave to jump. It would have taken so much for someone to do it, but she was going to do it because of words she was told. 

After the class everyone got up to go, everyone talked about what they went through, I just sat back and listened. Each and everyone one of these people were probably the strongest people I've ever met. It reminded me of people I knew...


"Hey?" I tapped her shoulder, "If you don't mind me saying, you remind me of someone I knew.. She cut herself and ended up... dying. She had a boyfriend too. He couldn't live without her and he-he died with her. He was a really good friend. I just want to know why? Why were you going to jump when you had someone you loved with you?"

Sammie stopped what she was doing and listened to me, she turned to look at me, "Well, why would you try five times to kill yourself when you have friends and family that cry for you because they're worried of you." I was taken back... "You have a family and friends that care so much for you, when I didn't."

"I'll see you next week Jay" With that she walked away from me, leaving me to re-think everything I've done.


"How was the meeting?" 

I poked at my food, I wasn't hungry. I had a bit of soup, that was enough for me. "Good"

"Meet anyone?" I nodded my head to my mum. "Don't pick at your food love." My mum stopped Sophie, my baby sister, "I'm not going to eat if Jay doesn't."

I looked up to Sophie, "Sophie, eat. Stop being ridiculous." She set her fork down, "Why can't you stop being ridiculous?"

She never talked back to me, only if we were being silly, but she never did that... "I don't want to eat alright? Stop playing games and listen to mum! Eat!" 

"Well, what are you waiting for? Make him eat!" My mum looked at both of us and my other older sister, Rachel, sat back and stopped eating herself.

"Jay is old enough and can make his own decisions. As for you, you're only 13, eat your food." Sophie made a mad face and got up from the table.

My mum sighed, the rest of stayed silent... I got up, taking her plate with me and went into her room. She wasn't in there, I looked in every ones room until I got to mine and I saw Sophie crying, sitting on my bed. 

"Why are you acting like that? I don't care if you do it but at least don't do it in front of everyone, especially mum!" She cried more, I sat next to her and hugged her.

"Don't cry."

"Why did you do it?" Sophie asked, "Do what?"

"Try to... You know!"

"I don't know." She pushed me away, I didn't like to see her like that, she was my little sister.

"How about I tell you, only you. If you eat, yeah?" She looked at me with tears running down her cheeks.

"Fine." I handed her the plate and she began to eat. So I began to tell her everything.



Its been about four months, I've been getting along with Sammie more and my family too. I still would refuse to eat sometimes and I stayed in my room quite a bit but everyone, even I knew, I was doing better. I had gone to a therapist and he had told me soon enough I would climb out of my depression and be my normal self again like old times...

The group, was amazingly helpful also.

"You never told me... What happened to all of you?" I looked at Sammie, we were watching the stars laying on top of my car. "Who?"

"James, Nolan, and Will?"

"I don't quite know. I haven't talked to them much... Actually I haven't talked to them at all. I know James was arrested for drugs, Nolan had alcohol poisoning, and Will has insanity. It was the last of what I've heard of them."

"Why don't you talk to them then? It's been a year since... Luke and his girlfriend died.. "

I don't know why I didn't talk to them, I missed them, a lot. I just never really thought about it.

"I never managed.. Hey, Sammie?"

"Yes?" I smiled at her, "Thank you."

She smiled and kissed my cheek, "You shouldn't be thanking me, I  should be thanking you." 

"You're the one who makes me get up every morning and just seeing a message from you makes me smile. Seeing my family happy again makes me know that everything is going to be okay..." She smiled again and laid on my chest.

"Do you want to get some food?"

I nodded and we got off from on top of the car. Before I got into the car I looked at the sky with the stars shing bright, "I miss you both like crazy. But I'll see you two some day but right now... is not the time. Maybe when I'm old?" I felt a cold wind pass by me, and heard two different laughs with the wind pass by. I wasn't scared thinking of the possibility they were here, it was actually comforting. I laughed quietly, "Hope I get to see you two waiting with those smirks on your faces." I smiled.

"Jay are you coming in?" I nodded hearing Sammie's voice come through the window. I nodded to her quickly.

"Goodbye Luke, goodbye love."  I smiled and got into the car and began to drive off.



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