Hurt

I seem like any ordinary girl, but the pain and hell I go through is unbearable. After the numerous amount of times I've been abused, I've come to the decision that I am a new person. No one will change that, not my boyfriend Luke or our four best friends Jay, Nolan, James, and Will. I am no longer the girl who was silly and outgoing. Honestly I didn't know who I was for the past weeks but I did know what I could do to end my pain, although it would affect my friends in the worst of ways.

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I couldn't take it anymore. I was living in hell. Every second it was pain, I suffered through everything. Right now? I'm pushing my back into the door while my dad's kicking it, screaming for me to open it. I cried and cried out loud, why did I have to go through this?

Every kick pushed me forward and I cried trying to put all my strength so that the damn door won't open. I was terrified. I was a sixteen year old, holding the door shut to my abusive father wouldn't come in. With one kick as strong as ever, pushing me out of the way and feeling the strong grip pulling at my hair...
Hit after hit... Blood dripping from my face... All the tears from the pain, every second, it was hell. After thirty minutes of continuous punching into my face, kicks to my stomach, dragging my legs, pulling my hair, slaps onto my face, and the scratches every where, he had stopped. He had grown tired of it, spitting at me, he left my room leaving me crying, curled on the carpet floor.


I felt dizzy, the whole room spinning. The blood spattered on the floor... How could I still be alive? Why couldn't I just fucking die and be left in peace... It was the best option, well at least for me.

How I managed to make it to a date I had that night? Who knows... Maybe because I was in love with this guy. He was probably the only reason I was alive right now, well him and his four friends. I never told them a thing of what had happened to me. I never did. I covered the bruises with make up, it had swollen badly, my face was purple from all the hits. My scratches had been cleaned but showed, make up would do.
"What happened to you babe?" I shook my head sitting at the table with a blank expression on my face.
"What happened..." Luke got closer to me.. But tonight, I was a new person. Yes. I loved him. But I wasn't letting any one touch me. Not Luke, not James or Jay or Will or Nolan. No one, I didn't care that they were my friends...


I sat there, not speaking, terrified that if I did the worst would come.
"Who did this..." Luke came closer touching my face. I stuttered an slapped his hand away. He looked back shocked.
I didn't dare say a word, scared of what he would think, scared of what could possibly come out of my mouth.
"I'm sorry... I won't touch you." He told me in an apologetic way.
I looked away, looking to the ground.
"What would you two like to order tonight..." The waitress looked at me, shocked with terror in her eyes. She looked to Luke and to me, she thought it was him.
"It wasn't." The first two words I had said all night.
Luke looked at me and to the waitress.
"Okay..." She silently said.
"Two salads..." Luke said as she walked away, nervously.
"Why won't you tell me... Who did this to you?" I wasn't going to say anything. I wasn't going to let him sink in anymore. When I got back from the 'date' I quietly and carefully walked up the stairs.. I went to my room, I pushed the couch in my room to hold the door shut.

 


I was terrified. The new me, wasn't going to let anyone in anymore. That night I asked myself, 'Do you love him? Do you care? About anyone...'
My answer to all of them...? No. Why should I?

But deep, deep inside me. I was lying to myself but I wouldn't admit it to myself.


I was tired of pretending to hide my pain the damn suffering... I wasn't going to see anyone anymore. Tears escaped my eyes, "No one.. Ever." I went into my bathroom, there has to be something. I opened a drawer, scissors.
They were the best right now. I needed something to just get away from the world...

I reached for them as my hands trembled. I picked them up feeling the smooth texture of it. I ran it next to my wrists.. It was cold and gave me chills.
I ran it through again, pressing harder. Nothing, no blood. I ran the scissors again, harder than before. I clutched the  sink feeling the sharp scissors in my skin. Why hadn't I done this before? I sighed in relief, it made me feel free. I didn't need to care anymore. I kept running the scissors on my wrist again and again. The drips of blood on the floor matching the patches on the carpet.

 


This continued for three weeks, I stayed home, not caring. I didn't go to school, I didn't talk to the boys. My dad always walked into my room, hitting me always leaving me on the floor, crying and covered with blood and new bruises. Luke had been calling for me from my window, yelling he loved me and cared and pointless crap. I ignored him every time.


I had used razors, scissors, bobby bins even. I burned my skin too, using a curler, straightener. It felt as relief ran through my skin. 

I hadn't eaten much, just crackers and water. I looked into my mirror looking at my body. My ribcage showed, my cheekbones stood out, my spine was noticeable, my thighs didn't touch either. I smiled for the first time, I was pleased by the way I looked. But I let tears slip out from my eyes.

I looked at my wrists, my thighs, my wrists, my chest, my feet. All scars.
As I reached for my razor I fell to the ground, I was dizzy. Nothing unusual.
I got up and reached for the razor again, I jumped at hearing, "Don't do this to me, I love you! Come out!" It was Luke again. I ignored him like usual and grabbed the razor. He should see me, see what I've been doing. Then he would understand. He would understand I was going through too much and he would leave. Forever.

 

I opened my window door and he looked shocked, "What- What happened" I held the razor in my hand and ran it across my wrist and cut through, holding in the pain and letting tears slip out of my eyes. It seemed strange being out in the open after awhile and especially showing him what I was doing but it has to be done.
I had been suffering too much, maybe I should just.. If I could just go deeper...

Then as I looked down I see his face full of hurt, I should just stop everything. When I say everything I mean EVERYTHING.


I looked sadly at Luke and closed the window.
I took big breathes, this is it. I was going to do it. Today was the last day the world would hear of me. I stood in the middle of my bedroom, staring off. Please let one good thought come to my head so I would stop this.

Nothing came. I couldn't remember a moment I didn't end up crying or hurt.


"No! Don't do this! Please don't!" I heard Luke at my door now, how did he manage to get in? It didn't matter, I had to do this now or I would never get the chance.
"No!" Luke opened my door, after slamming into it. I closed my eyes with the razor deep into my flesh.
I looked at Luke with tears covering my eyes.. I pushed the razor deeper and that's when the blood spat out.
"No.. No! What were you thinking!" I fell back on the ground, I couldn't feel my arm anymore, I couldn't feel anything it was numb. Luke ran next to me and held onto me, crying. "No.... No." I could see everything now, the moment had come where I realized... I was unconditionally in love with this person, Luke.

He was always there for me, and I chose to ignore him. I couldn't lie to myself anymore, I was a fool.

He had called the hospital.
It was too late though, the damaged had been done.
I felt relief though... No need to suffer anymore. To hurt anyone. "I love you Luke... I'm sorry."  I looked down to my arms and blood was everywhere more than ever. I had cut into my veins and I was dying.
"I love you too babe.. Come on. Don't do this, you're going to be fine. I promise.. You're going to be fine." He said holding my arm, trying to stop blood. I shook my head, "I want to go Luke... My life was-is hell. My dad... constantly hit me, I just want to be happy again and I just can't- be happy here. I love you. Don't forget it. Tell the guys I love them too." I smiled weakly as best as I could. I felt so weak so empty. And again he had stayed with me through this all and I had chose to ignore him. Now he's here watching me die.
"You're fine. You aren't going anymore. No ones going to hurt you... Not with me here. I love you okay? Come on.." He kissed my lips and I tried to kiss back, but everything shut down except the noise around me. Everything was dark.


"No! No...! No! No! Come back.. Come on, come back.. Come back, please. Stay with me... Please." He was crying, I could hear him.. Then that shut down too.


********************************

 


The ambulance had come, I heard the heart beat, she was still alive! I was covered in blood, her blood. She had cuts all over her, this was what she did in three weeks. I felt to stupid for not just marching in like I did before.
After arriving to the hospital with the lads I cried and covered my head with my hands.
Will was impatiently tapping his foot, Jay head down with his hands on it, Nolan curled in a ball on the chair hiding his face, James just paced around nervously.
"She's going to be fine.." I told myself constantly, more than anyone. She's going to be fine.. You can't just take a person away from someone when they have so much to live for. And she did not deserve to die, she has to live.

"Why.." I looked at Will, crying too. "Her dad... I should've stopped him, I should've stopped her."

 


I heard footsteps coming towards us, I looked up and saw the doctor with the blank expression.. It was only good or bad news, I couldn't tell what it was.


"I'm sorry.. She's gone..."


 


"No! No! She can't. Not her! Not her..." I yelled and cried out. I slammed my fists onto the wall, crying my eyes out.
"I'm sorry mate.. I'm so sorry..." James hugged me and I cried on him. My beautiful, precious princess was gone... I should've been there for her! This was all my fault..! I'm such an idiot!
How could I let her do this to herself...
Will walked past me and headed towards the exit, crying... Everyone was. The girl I was in loved with just died... And it was all my fault.
Jay trembled but stayed quiet but he cried onto Nolan. Nolan was on the ground, "HOW COULD SHE BE GONE?!" He screamed and I just held the pain in...

But tears always slipped out... My fists hurt and my head did too. I felt weak... How could I live without her... I couldn't. An immediate thought came into my head..
"Can I go see her.. One last time. Please." I asked the doctor as he nodded his head and led me towards her room.


"I'll leave you alone, but I'll be back in, in five minutes... I'm sorry. We did everything we could. She had just lost so much blood..." I closed my eyes, I didn't want to hear anymore, I walked inside...
I saw her lifeless body laying on the bed,  I looked at all the blood on the floor... Why?! Why would she do this?
I cried and cried and held her hand, it was cold as can be.
"I love you.. So much... I can't live without you babe. I can't. I need your kisses, your giggles, smiles, dumb jokes..." I chuckled, crying, "I need you... So, what I'm about to do, its for you."

I looked over to the counter and saw the knives and sharp tools on the table. I carefully walked to them, I had never done this and I never planned to do it. I needed her though, I couldn't live without her. A cold rush of air went past me, sent chills. I was going to do this because I wasn't going to be happy anymore.
"I love you.. I'll see you in a bit..." I was crying, then I was next to her again and I kissed her cold pale lips. I moved the knife on my wrist, I had one chance before that doctor would walk in. I pressed down clutching the bed and closed my eyes, my teeth were tight, and I sealed my lips. Until I felt my weight fall onto the ground. I still held onto her hand and I quickly tried to kiss her hand but I fell back before I could... Then I was gone.. I was gone with her, with the girl I was in love with.

 

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