Zach's Journal: Ramblings of a Melodramatic Emo Gamer

A snarky teenager records his pathetic existance, in which he deals with classmates whose collective IQ hardly exceeds your average brick, a psychotic demon overlord who is hellbent on dragging him on crazy 'adventures', all the while strugling to confess his love to the girl he admires from afar... if only he could remember her first name...


1. Welcome to my Life

Entry 169

February 15th, Sunday 2.33 pm

"Zach, the upstairs bathroom is suspiciously lacking in aerosols - you wouldn't happen to know anything about it, would you?"

This is what my brother asked me when he found me leaning halfway out of my bedroom window with my right hand firmly stuck in 'knarled beggar woman' position from my half hour long ritual of polluting the atmosphere with as many spray cans as possible before I passed out from the toxic fumes.

My skin had turned an interesting shade of purple but before I could investigate the pigment change more closely, my brother hauled me out of my room, grabbed the can from my hand, and practically threw me into the shower, still fully clothed.

"Shoot, you're left alone for TEN MINUTES!"

He started jabbering about contaminated air and what not then reverted to that gay little 'what-a-deranged-little-brother-I-have' speech of his. Even though he'd been in a crap mood all week, I was secretly relieved he disturbed me as I was beginning to feel a little dizzy and light headed. I began to enjoy the shower until my brother finally snapped.

"-And what in God's name were you trying to do, anyway?"

I informed him quite calmly that this was the fastest way I could think of to speed up global warming, a phenomenon so incredible that when the time comes for it to occur the world as we know it will have to stop dead in its tracks. Governments will panic as nations die off one by one, in a slowly decaying world.

My brother sighed and muttered if I really didn't want to go on this school trip I should have just told Dad instead of wasting $15. 50 worth of aerosol cans and nearly smothering myself with corrupt oxygen. I could stay home and endure a week of him and his stupid girlfriend all cosied up together instead.

And they don't even act like a normal sickingly romantic couple, which is bad enough. No, nerd love consists of smiling up at each other from a copy of Vehemently Frustrating Algebraic Formulas and Equations for Super Swots, New Edition. How lovely (not).

I proceeded to resume my packing from where I left off before I had thought of the (ingenious) global warming plan, hissing every time my brother passed by my room.

Had included:

-Tracksuit (black) x3

-Jeans (black) x3

-T-shirt with generic crude message (black) x5

-Pyjama bottoms (with elasticised waistband – black) x3

-Jacket (blue and black) x1

-Nintendo DS

-Playstation Portable

-Case of DS games

-Case of PSP games

-This book


-As many candy bars as I can fit into the back pockets

-Can of Bugspray x7

-My plush rabbit without which I cannot sleep (aptly nicknamed 'Lord Sebastian Pneumonics Fauntleroy Stephanie Fireball the Third)

I wanted to bring my collection of Death Note manga but my Vampire Knight backpack will only hold so much crap.

2.56 pm

Dad has removed two of my t-shirts (due to said crude messages) and replaced them with brand name trash. He also ate three of my candy bars while he was repacking, which I am pissed off about.

12.01 pm

FML. I mean it.

To celebrate the fact we don't have to see each other again for a whole week, we had one of those 'family meal' type things you hear about on TV sometimes. Dad, my brother (who is now DEAD to me) and I crammed around our kitchen table to scrumptious helpings of what Dad proclaimed as 'Completely 100% home cooked fried chicken and French Fries, yes that is totally what he spent those two hours in the kitchen preparing and everything went perfectly according to plan, and that siren we heard was not the fire alarm but a choir of angels, whose voices echoed gloriously when they had seen what my father's two own hands had produced. And no, it didn't taste a bit like KFC, and shut up Zach.'

So things were actually looking not too bad and I was even beginning to enjoy the shallow conversation and heavily processed steamed rat (or whatever the heck I was eating – who can tell with fast food?) when my brother decided to drop an absolute bombshell.

His girlfriend, that same straw-haired computer geek whom I despised, that he has casually – CASUALLY – been seeing for the past FOUR WEEKS is now PREGNANT.

I began to choke on my rat.

A French fry poised halfway to Dad's mouth fell and landed on the table with a soft thud as he stared, open-mouthed, at my brother. All the while completely ignoring me, despite the fact that I could've very well been DYING.

Damian, my RETARDED brother, hurriedly thumped me on the back. I immediately glared malevolently at him, whilst attempting to telepathically convey 'Contrary to popular belief, thumping people on the back while they are choking actually doesn't help at all, instead it may lodge the object further down the person's throat resulting in an even worse situation than before'. But he had stopped paying attention at this point and was once again focused on Dad's reaction.

"…Well… That's… That's-"

"Please say something, Dad."

"That's… Well." Dad cleared his throat then folded his arms. "Wow. W-wow…" Damian sighed.

"Look, I know this is unexpected. But I love Sue. I really do! And I am prepared to do whatever it takes to ensure her and her child – my child – have a good life! I'm not about to walk away from something this massive, and yes, I understand this is massive but I think I'm prepared, I really do. Dad, I'm serious. Please say something."

Dad just kind of stared at him for what seemed like an age. All I could think was, for the love of – I could be watching an episode of Dr Who right now! Eventually, he let out an enormous sigh and shook his head.

"…Damian. You know I only want the best for you. And this… you understand what kind of responsibility this is-"

"Of course I do! But there's no WAY I'd make her do this by herself-"

"I wouldn't expect you to! No, it's just… you're so damn young…"

At that point, Damian took Dad's hand and spoke softly.

"Dad. I'm eighteen. Sue and I have already talked about everything. We think we're ready for it. All I need is for you to be supportive too."

Another few years passed by. I wondered if I could slip my phone out from my pocket and play Tetris?

"…Well, I don't really have a choice, do I? Of course I'll support you, Damian… I just wish this could have happened later down the line… Then, I've never seen a couple more in love than you and Sue." I snapped out of my thoughts long enough to see Dad beginning to smile weekly, and Damian shoot across to hug him. In fact, they hugged for quite a while. So I left, and when I came back downstairs two hours later for a bag of potato chips they were still hugging. And crying.

I know it's understandable Damian wanted Dad's blessing so much, but what about mine? Does he not realize what impact this will have on me?

…I'm going to be an uncle.

12. 12 pm

Damian called into my room and actually apologized for being so crabby with me all week. Told him it was cool, and then he just stood at my door for a bit. I wanted him to go away but I had a feeling he was waiting for me to say something.

So… you got your girlfriend pregnant… That is so gay…

I have never been master of tact, exactly. However, Damian actually chuckled. Albeit in a distressing kind of way.

You couldn't have waited until I came back to tell me this?

"Nope, I absolutely had to inconvenience you. Hey Zach," He grinned. "You're gonna be an uncle."

I know… it's weird…

Since we've never been on particularly good speaking terms, Damian left it at this and gently closed my door. I slid into bed, thinking not about what game I had yet to triumph over, or whether my favourite website had been updated yet but of my advance placement, straight A student brother, and how RETARDED he was.

12. 31 pm

Judgement Day must be upon us. Not only was Damian acting irresponsible but Dad was acting moderately responsible. He even remembered to feed the cats.

Just when I thought my life couldn't get any more screwed up than it already is, everyone starts acting the opposite of their normal selves.


Entry 170

February 16th, Monday 7. 04 am

Woke up ridiculously early and hauled myself into the bathroom to get ready for the trip that I had an ominous feeling about. In fact, the only thing I could think of to look forward to was the prospect of spending an entire week with Cure. I remembered I once overheard her telling someone she loved the smell of citrus so I doused myself a little too heavily with Damian's lemon cologne.

The bus was to leave at seven and Dad dropped me in at quarter to. I passed the time by playing the movie Terminator in my head.

7. 32 am

I found a seat near the front of the bus and proceeded to glare at anyone idiotic enough to try and sit beside me.

I heard giggling behind me so groaned loudly but I was ignored.

"Anyway, Addy I've been looking forward to this trip for WEEKS; I can't wait to get away from Sue for a bit – she's been driving us all crazy lately-"

I perked up when I heard the name Addy because it sounded familiar. Addy, Addy… Then I remembered. Addy was Cure's real name. I about faced and knelt so I was directly facing the seat behind me.

Cure and The Ginger were giggling stupidly about something they thought was funny. I was willing to bet it wasn't.

"What do YOU want?"

Ginger groaned when she saw me. I ignored her and asked Cure where she got her shirt.

She blushed before stammering some insignificant store.

It's nice, I told her. Yeah, amazing what designer labels can do to make those fried eggs look impressive. Her chest looked almost like that of a female.


I turned back in my seat and gingerly touched the cheek where she slapped me.

Ahh, true love.

9. 14 am

No way. No. Way. I mean, I could just about handle the two hour long bus ride. During which, for the remaining 55 minutes, the morons sitting in the back started up a round of 99 Bottles of Vodka or whatever. ("Do the bottles sit or stand on the wall? I don't know; I can't remember! Just sing the damn song!")I could also tolerate the expected log cabin that smelt strongly of decaying woodland critter and, for some strange reason, vanilla.

But I could not, should not, and WOULD NOT put up with THEM as my room/cabin inmates.

"Come on, Zach, it'll be fun!"

Matthews whooped gleefully as I moaned with frustration and attempted to death glare the camp director into submission. No such luck.

For the next week I was stuck with MATTHEWS (loud as a tank, and about as intelligent as one too), JACOBS (ridiculously attractive) and CAMERON (condescending son of a-) of all people.

I was beginning to understand the speculation that surrounded Goldman's disappearance when he and Shawn Frost were forced to share a room during the annual sophomore trip to Paris. So he WAS brutally murdered in his sleep as opposed to simply moving to China…

I proceeded to move all of my belongings as well as sheets and pillows from one bunk into the bathroom, where I would sleep ALONE and UNDISTURBED for the next week. I informed cabin inmates I don't care how many spontaneous bladder infections they happen to develop throughout the next few days, as of right now anyone who enters Zach's Lair, unpermitted, must DIE.

10. 21 am

I left my Lair to go for short walk and check out the surroundings. Just as I thought: trees, more trees and some rocks. I hate nature.

Came across Cure and her other friend, the one with the eating disorder and fear of small furry animals.

I had to admit; it was nice to see Cure out of her uniform for once. The black lace top she was wearing looked gorgeous against her peachy-cream skin and her dark skinny jeans showed off her slim legs. As she laughed, it tinkling like crystal, she would toss back the sheet of gold that tumbled down her back, perfectly catching the glinting light of the morning sun.

I asked her what was with the transvestite ringmaster donkey look she had goin' on.


This time her entire face bloomed red. I was really beginning to enjoy when she got angry; she was pretty damn sexy. I told her so too.

"You are such a jerk!"

I really don't see why I bother.

8. 55 pm

I retreated back to my Lair and spent rest of evening playing Denizens Of Hell until I abused the game so much it crashed. Shit.

With the soundtrack from my game gone, the raucous laughter coming from the other room seemed louder than ever. I crept into room, all set to piss like a bitch with PMS at all present, but as it turned out everyone was just leaving. Everyone but Matthews.

Well? Why the hell aren't you going?

His face faltered and he looked around, shifty eyed.

"Eric (Jacobs) and Hayden (Cameron) are gone over to the girls' cabin. Apparently there's some sort of party going on," He confessed.

I snorted and retreated back into my Lair. Of course, Matthews has no interest in partying either. Not because he despises the world and all its inhabitants but because he has no clue about females. Seriously.

The thought of Matthews ever having any sort of romantic relationship is laughable.

10. 03 pm

I'm beginning to regret the previous entry as irony has come back to bite me on the ass once again.

I was trying to sleep when I heard more laughter but this time softer and more hushed. I remained curious for 0.0000007 of a second but then just felt pissed off, as it was not easy to airbrush Cure's shirt off in my mind when noise was coming from the next room.

I decided to confront the culprit.

"Hey, can't you just jack off QUIETLY and get some freaking sleep?"

I yelled at Matthews, then double-took when I saw who he was with. What is The Ginger doing here?

Oh. OH.

They're like that…?

Starting tomorrow, I will work on making some progress with Cure.

Entry 171

February 17th, Tuesday 9. 34 am

Cure! Your make up does not make you look at all like a sleazy prostitute pantomime witch in any way today!


We'll get there.

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