Zach's Journal: Ramblings of a Melodramatic Emo Gamer

A snarky teenager records his pathetic existance, in which he deals with classmates whose collective IQ hardly exceeds your average brick, a psychotic demon overlord who is hellbent on dragging him on crazy 'adventures', all the while strugling to confess his love to the girl he admires from afar... if only he could remember her first name...


2. Ahh, young love

Entry 172

February 18th, Wednesday 8. 55 am

Almost two whole days without Internet access was making me feel queasy. Drastic measures had to be taken.

I rose at the crack of dawn to prepare for my infiltration of enemy territory. I did not expect to be ambushed.


Calm down, this is the only place in the whole campsite with Wi-Fi. It's not like I've broken in to murder you in your sleep with a machete.

"My…my vase!"

Oh. That…Yeah...

That was already broken. By the hostile aliens that live in your closet. Or something.

11. 42 am

I am now on kitchen duty for the rest of the week not so much because I broke into the camp director's cabin to go online but more so because I broke his wife's priceless china vase she had imported from Hokkaido. I now know how Haruhi feels.

11. 43 am

Not that I read shoujo manga or anything like that. Nope, not at all, no siree.

11. 44 am

I totally think Nekozawa and his glove puppet should get the ride on, by the way.

12. 26 pm

I returned to my cabin more than a little disgruntled and my mood was not helped when I discovered my Lair had been invaded by strangers from the outside world. How dare they enter my Lair? How dare they trespass into my territory?! HOW DARE THEY NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM?

What the hell do you guys think you're doing? Didn't you get my warning?!

I gestured towards the sign I had hung on the door. Might as well stick it in here if no one's bothering to heed it. Don't have any scotch tape so will use own saliva instead.


I thought that that would've shaken them up pretty badly. But nooooo, this is Matthews we're talking about here!

"We thought that only applied to when you were here! Besides, I haven't peed in two days!"

Like I care. Real men hold it in. And I distantly remember gently waking one of you up and telling you I'd be back soon.

"That was five o' clock in the morning. And it was ME you woke up, gently my ass, with a bitchslap that still has me reeling,"

Whatever, Jacobs. My point is still I said I'd be back soon.

"It's half twelve, Zach."

I can tell time, you stupid pretty boy! I needed some bonding time with my video games!

"Tch, don't tell me he masturbates to his game console…"


I have a giant poster of Hayley Williams on my wall for a reason. And it's not like you're getting any more action than me.

"As a matter of fact, I'm meeting up with Flora to go into town after this morning's activities,"

I hate when he flipped his hair like that, like he's starring in a L'Oreal commercial. He was so not worth it.

"Look, he sleeps with a bunny!"

Matthews lunged for Sebastian before I punched him in the nose. Yeah, you'd better bleed, bitch, you'd better-


12. 30 am

I forgot about the whole 'camp' side of this camp.

"Did you also forget about breakfast duty?"

Apparently The Ginger had been sent to round me up when I was 20 minutes late. I hate that female so much.

12. 45 am

Her and Greene hovered around me as I served everyone breakfast.

Growled and muttered if Ginger knows what's good for her she'll do some very quick pissing off. Mentioned Green could stay, if she wants, as when she perched sideways on her chair I have a bird's eye view of her impressive cleavage, bangin' double Ds that'd make Pamela Andersen proud.

I was congratulating myself on my witty remark when I noticed Frost lurking in the background, his eyes focused directly on me. Began to sweat as I braced myself for whatever crazy revenge he tried with me after my comment about Greene's chest.

1. 03 pm

Someone has snapped the elastic in all of my pyjama bottoms. I wonder whom?

1. 11 pm

Our first activity: A nature trail. How lovely. I think I'll go vomit under that tree over there.

1. 13 pm

Sidled up to Cure and sort of just stood there. She looked at me wearily. Why, I wondered. I smiled at her and she actually backed away from me. Then there was an awkward silence.

"Awkward turtle!"

Greene screamed and everyone laughed.

"Thaaaat's got to be the creepiest thing I've ever seen,"

Ginger smirked. I reverted back to Prick! Mode and asked Ginger if the reason she hadn't been swimming as much lately was because of the throbbing haemorrhoids that had erupted all over her fat ass.

She reached out to punch me but Cure got the first blow.

"You are such a jerk, Zach! I hate you more than Amu Kouga despises Lai Tsukiyama!"

I told her quite calmly that a) I won't understand any crazy shoujo references she happens to make, b) it's not like I was insulting her and c) if she had actually bothered to read more than the first few volumes she would know that Amu could never truly hate Lai as she is irrevocably in love with him but must protect his life at all costs, and so she puts up an act to make sure he doesn't get too close to her.

I expected her to explode in my face but her eyes actually lit up and she started jabbering suddenly about how adorable Miko-kun was.

I didn't have the heart to tell her to can it, as her smile was just so beautiful.

3. 45 pm

We were in deep discussion about Aishisezukeriyo, Darling until the camp instructor told me to pair instead with Frost. Spent entire afternoon averting the crazy red head's eyes to avoid him trying to 'kill me or something' because I looked at him the wrong way and hoped some sort of rabid chipmunk would take pity and eat me alive.

4. 34 pm

I felt like such crap after this tiresome day that I actually went looking for Cure to cheer me up but to no avail. However, I did find Ginger and Cure's other friend watching Greene wrestle with some trees.

"Help! Help! I'm being raped by a sycamore!"

For some reason, everyone burst into squeals of laughter.

So...this was the kind of thing females find funny. Still, if Cure was involved, I'd be willing to give anything a go.

4. 49 pm

Heeeeey... Cuuuuure... if you want... I could... pretend to... be a sycamore tree and, uh... rape you... or something...

This time, when she reached up to slap me, her hand only barely tipped my cheek so her heart obviously wasn't in it.

We're finally making progress!

5. 34 pm

My brief good mood came to an abrupt end when I returned to the mess hall once more to serve dinner. Tch. To make matters worse, Matthews seemed intent as taking as long as possible to question every option in order to thoroughly tick me off.

"What is that? It looks like pee,"

It is pee. My pee to be exact.

He gave me a strange look.

"You're kind of…weird y'know. Anyway, can I just get a hot dog then?"

No! There ARE NO hotdogs!

"…Zach, there's a giant plate of hotdogs right next to your hand!"

No there's not, now go away! No one can have any freaking hotdogs, especially not YOU of all people!

I sniggered as he left looking forlorn.

If I am not happy no one else can be happy and if eating hotdogs makes them happy they may not eat hot dogs!

No one can have any hotdogs! NO ONE.

5. 36 pm

"Hey, Zach, can I've a hotdog?"

For sure, Cure, for sure. Anything for you.

5. 38

I was inwardly celebrating the fact that she smiled at me when she asked for her hot dog until I saw her discreetly give it to Matthews when she thought I wasn't looking. TRAITOR! MAY SATAN'S MINIONS REIGN TERROR UPON HER! MAY SHE FEEL MY UTMOST WRATH! RECOIL IN HORROR!

5. 39

...I still fully intend on marrying her, though.

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