Misunderstood

I thought i'd project some of my negative feelings into this, it's a diary entry written by a girl shortly after her best friends suicide.
The names are randomly made up and it's completely fictional of course.

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1. Misunderstood - A lost Friend

Friday 9th November 2012 - 

Today was traumatic. 

Have you ever thought you really knew someone ? well you're wrong.

Have you ever thought you were the only one with family problems? you're wrong.

Did you ever feel alone? you're not, you have a voice. That was her downfall; her confidence being her disguise.

We grew up together her and I, stood side by side inseparable for 16 long years until now. She was like my spinal cord, as if i never grew one but it was always ok because she practically had mine as well. She was a strong spirit, always keeping her held high, her gracious smile warming up the dullest of days.The complete opposite to me, although this isn't about me anymore. I've been too selfish! why her! why not me...? 

She stuck up for me all the time, i never hurt anyone i always kept to myself but that girl, Jade, she targeted me saw my silence as rudeness and ignorance. Ever since that day she's turned people against me, she got hold of my phone number and sent me various threats so i changed numbers in hope the messages would stop. When everyone in school started getting facebook do did we but Jade continued to send me abuse on there as well, i deleted the messages and wall posts without even reading them, I even blocked her profile but she was persistent and got many more people involved it became overwhelming so i deleted my profile, problem solved so i thought. After a few days I felt like my life was finally calming down, she could only hurt me in school. When i told her she was horrified that Jade had removed my right to be on a website every other teenager was on, she was horrified at the amount of people i'd never even seen before, that had never even spoken to me that had joined in with her.

We met on the corner of the road as usual monday, she seemed her happy self, she always told me that 'life was too short not to live everyday happy' it was her philosophy and it seemed to work for her. She always made me smile and she'd always beam back at me i always thought it was real. The lessons dragged and bells made my ears hurt, the lesson change was the worst everyones judgemental eyes, their hushed voices. it made me anxious i felt worse and worse and my mum was starting to worry. It was lunchtime that day, we were sitting together as usual chatting about a new song our favourite band had released. I could see Jade three tables up and to the left, sitting on the table like some sort of pop star signing out of tune to the song playing on the radio. She suddenly looked my direction, i ducked my head in hope she wouldn't see me i didn't want to give her any more ammunition for verbally assaulting me.

A few minutes later Jade 'stumbled' past throwing my folder onto the floor and all my revision notes went flying. We quickly rushed to pick up all the papers before they were trampled on, Jade had other ideas she put her foot on the edge of a piece of paper so that i couldn't pull it away. In that moment looking up at her long extended legs, her scrawny arms leading down to her hands which were placed on her hips, the bones in her fingers were protruding upwards they looked as if they were preparing to snap right through her skin. I heard her shrill tongue and looked at her face, the red damaged hair, bright pink lips and heavily lined eyes diminished her flattering features like her button nose. 'Excuse me...?' i stuttered. She shrieked with laughter, i felt crushed. I stood up dismissing whatever was on the paper as unimportant and began to collect my notes and lock them back into place in the safety of my folder. I heard the click of her shoe as she stepped towards me, i inhaled quickly and felt my whole body stiffen waiting for the blow. 

There wasn't one. She stood between Jade and I, the radiant happy glow of her cheeks had turned grey and her eyes bright with being a free spirit had turned dark and sharp. Jade crossed her arms and looked her up and down, 'Don't' i muttered but she pushed me back, it was probably the meanest thing she's ever done to me but i see know that she did it for my own protection. 

There she stood in the firing line, her figure never seemed so small, so vulnerable before. Jade made a comment and everyone who had gathered around us laughed. She just smirked back, she was so calm and collective. I was flustering from fear to anger to denial but she was relaxed and angled. They exchanged harsh words and shortly after Jade watched her movements 'I had the wrong one, your right she didn't deserve it a cocky no good loud mouthed cow like you, does'.She flicked her hair and stomped off.

It seems since then Jade and her friends had a new target. I couldn't stop apologizing to her, all this it's all because of me. She stood up for me, acted like any true friend would and stepped in to help me I suppose i'll always tell myself i would have done that for her too. Being joint at the hip since a young age meant she was the person i'd always go to with any decision or problem,she'd give me advice, a shoulder to cry genuinely being the only person who understood me. 

Last night, i asked her if she was okay. She told me to remember my own problems i couldn't take on anymore. I thought of it as a friendly gesture she knew how bad my anxiety had got. I...i was selfish i didn't worry about her problems. i told her i would always be there for her, she such a carefree person i didn't ever expect her to of had so many problems. 

Today was unlike every other day. At quarter to nine this morning she still wasn't on the corner, i waited and waited and then ran to school so i wouldn't be late. There was an empty space on the table next to me, i felt exposed, alone and scared. I was worried, i tried to text her phone although i'm pretty sure her number was leaked too so i doubted she'd reply. Soon after Jade snapped my phone from my hand 'Miss your little friend' she snarled. I had to fight back the tears. Where was she? she was always a perfect student, 100 percent attendance, straight A grades it was really unlike her to miss a day. A squeal of laughter shocked me out of my day dream, a group were crowding around Jade who was stood on top of a table she made me feel even more inferior. I remembered that she'd taken my phone and how much i needed to contact her. I jumped up and rush towards the horde i saw the black sliver that was my mobile in her hand, i panicked the voice on loudspeaker bursting out of the phone it was her. 'Leave me alone! just leave me alone!' i'd never heard her voice so distressed so distraught. It broke me. Tears rolled down my cheeks, i acted selfishly then i refused to let Jade have the satisfaction of seeing me this way, i ran away, out of school, down the road. When i got home i cried and cried i felt so useless. I hadn't had the strength to stand up for her like she did for me, i was useless.

I sat up on my laptop trying to think of ways to apologize to her.. i began to type a message.

Little did i know she'd never receive it. She'd run away from home, i thought i knew her better than i knew myself... who knew a girl who smiled everyday could possibly have cried every night? She was a broken girl, taking medication for anxiety, panic attacks and depression all that i never knew about, never saw in her face. That day she was on a bridge, tired of feeling alone and restrained. Her phone bleeped, it fell from her hand she scrambled to it realizing someone might actually care for her... shakily she attempted to type and another message came through an obscure one then another... she could almost hear her voice taunting her she pressed the dial button without a second thought to the state she was in. 'Leave me alone!' she echoed in a panic before she could even calm herself the phone had slipped from her hands and plunged down into the darkness below her, slouching over with tears rolling down her cheeks she looked into the deep water, wondering what evils were hiding themselves deep within that darkness the light blue tint to the water with it's gentle waves disguising them. It reminded her of herself as she stepped forward, she muttered 'Sorry' and her body fell down, almost as if an evil claw had reached up and dragged her. 

So hears to my beloved best friend, not many people from school see you as yourself anymore after the details of your death were released but i still do. I wish i'd been a great friend to you like you were to me, then i wouldn't have this void in my life where i had failed you. I hope you can forgive me one day, looks like i'll have to grow my backbone now haha. Alice, God himself could never re-create someone like you ever again you were to kind to others to caring and keen to solve my problems that you never expressed yours and they've created demons that ate at your mind and brought you to this.

Alice Woodman, i will not remember as the 'teen suicide horror' as the tabloids put it but more or less as an irreplaceable friend with a beautiful smile and a loving family, we are all lost without you. Although you felt alone, you never were and i wish that you'd realised that you never should have gone, we shouldn't be grieving for you at this age we should be celebrating all your success in school and life. A life you'll never have. 

I suppose i'll learn to grow with half a heart only time will teach me to hide the pain as well as you did. 

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