all i want is you


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1. all i want is you

 

‘all i want is you’ she whispered

her smile sending waves of electricity down my spine

‘but i cannot have you, not completely, and this is why this is not constant’

i swear if you hooked me up to an electrocardiagram in that moment, my heart stopped

pause.

desperation. ‘but-‘

‘stop.’ one word like a blow to the chest,

‘you can’t give yourself to someone; you won’t. because you’re scared.

and it’s okay to be scared.’ —that smile again.

‘but i want someone

and i want someone who wants me

and i don’t want to be just another figure to you, another line in a book, another card in your deck, another feeling you can’t quite hold’

‘because you’ll say i can have you and it’ll be perfect but it won’t be real, and i want something real.’

‘all i want is you.’ she said.

‘but i want someone, entire, i want to know their flaws, their thoughts, i want to memorise their world upside down and inside out.’

‘and you could never give me that, you never will’

and we can argue for weeks, and bitte jealousy and twisted words end up changing fate in time.

or we can be close like you wanted and sit and watch the sky burst into flames as cigarette smoke burns our eyes

just drink vodka for days and write endless pages on what we wish to be and how we all turn into something we hate and wonder if we’ll ever make it

but do you want more than this? i ask as your eyes turn hollow and your heart grows restless, impatient

you look away, and i know what could be but won’t be; the slamming doors, rising tempo, tension cut with a blade.

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