You said what could happen?!

This is more of a self-help introduction to what you can expect when coming into the real world. It will eventually cover most eventualities that you can come into conjunction with, and will almost certainly give you a different perspective of the French.....



1. Introduction

So what can you do? Well personally, I would look at life from another angle. For example: your late for work or a lecture and your confused of what the emotions of the top dog might be (now here’s the interesting part), think of all the fun you can have thinking of an excuse along the way! Dog ate my homework, my house burnt down, I got a flat tyre, my wife gave birth to a goldfish; there’s endless possibilities. Straying back into what this self help book was intended for, life isn’t a merry-go-round concocted of laughs, jokes and “happy” endings; if you catch my drift. Life is a test to see what species can survive best in the environment provided and this has stood the test of time, all the way back to Adam and Eve. 

Many people have experienced the bitch that life throws at you from time to time. It’s that moment when you ask yourself, “If God exists then why does he let bad things happen to good people?” I’ll tell you why: it’s because God has his own problems to deal with, answering preys, planning the apocalypse and so on. I personally don’t believe in God, I want to make that absolutely clear, even if I do receive comments about this particular section. Although in saying that, there are people who would say that if God doesn’t exist, then why do things happen to us that we rather wouldn’t, where does this “bad luck” come from? That I’m afraid I cannot fully answer; but I can give you a reasonable explanation in two words: Sods Law. This, my adoring reader, is the reason why you have your credit card stolen, your flat tyres in the morning and for your house to be impaled by a meteor from outer space; because it is just your luck, it’s your turn, you unfortunate bastard.

Prime example of this:

The term “Opportunist” originates from the Italian “opportunismo”, a term derived from Italian politics to the basic meaning: “to exploiting the current circumstances or opportunities to gain immediate advantage for oneself or one's group”. This is one reason, for which I can see, why people continue on through the bitch that holds everyone’s dreams back. When I went from my first theory test when I was seventeen, I was not informed to bring with my secondary slip for my driving licence, (the green slip of paper for you jailbait lot who are new to the road). I hadn’t prepared, I was over confident and had just had an argument with my mother for the past couple of days. I assumed from what people had told me that it was an easy exam and that it would take the likes of George W. Bush to fail, with his I – REA – K pronunciation; but I wouldn’t even get that far; now that was me being an opportunist, taking an exam that was a pass guaranteed, oh how foolish I was, this slip of green paper was the most important part to actually entering the examination. Unbeknownst to me, this slip of paper holds my past record of traffic offences and was essential for the secretary of the DVLA to see; and fuck me what a secretary! The biggest and most unflattering Santa look alike I had ever seen!  Fat bastard sent me on my way with nothing but an urge to punch him in the face and send him on his jolly bloody way. But this is what really pissed me off, how can I have an offense on the road when I had started driving only 2 months ago for the first time? Someone obviously had a picture of me on their desk and said (in my best upper class London accent) “He’s bound to fail, he has side burns, and well I’m sorry Mr Smerdon but this isn’t 1975 anymore.” (Top tip here reader, if you ever decide to grow side burns, remember to move to Buckinghamshire first...”

So you see we all have had our fair share of life’s bitch, some people I’m afraid just have a little more luck that others. But think of it like this, when I finally past my driving test, the firsts words won’t be “Wow this is such an amazing feeling!” it will be “So how am I meant to pay for all this shit!”




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