Sick and Tired

James Potter begins to realize his life isn't as perfect as he firstly thought of. Hogwarts' graduation grows closer, and a war waits for him outside of the gates. A tired enemy fuels the indecision and uncertainty James feels about where he's heading, and the destiny of many might be involved into James' brand new path.

Warning: this is a Snames fic, mature content.

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14. What shouldn't be

I didn’t know what do with myself. The logical thing to do would be, of course, head right back to Snape’s and beg him to tell everything to Lily so we could get back together. I wasn’t sure of how Padfoot, Moony and Wormtail would react to us being apart, especially because I had an affair. As much as I would like to keep the appearances, it would be just for the moment.

I couldn’t have sex with Lily. I wasn’t into it anymore, and it would show.

Snape couldn’t know Lily and I were apart, either. The only source he had about what was going on with her was me. He would probably want to punch me right on the nose for cheating on Lily but he would never understand. Being into guys wasn’t something you could just say out loud and most importantly, it was the sort of thing you don’t realize at first, because no one talks about it. There was no way I could know such option existed; it was something wizards didn’t talk about and muggles despised.

I made the decision to let Lily cool down her temper at her sister, at least for the night, though I couldn’t stay alone, at home. I was bursting through the seams with so many secrets and lies to keep up with.

If I headed to Padfoot’s, I couldn’t tell him about Snape, nor about Raphael. If I went to Raphael, I couldn’t tell him about Snape or the fact I’m a wizard. And Snape probably would physically assault me, not that he was particularly strong but I couldn’t stand being around him out of embarrassment. Nothing stopped me from telling him someone put a penis up my ass, though, I just didn’t know how could he possibly react upon hearing that.

Fuck it. All I wanted was some way out from everything.

It didn’t take me long to show up at Raphael’s door. It was ridiculously late, I knew, but maybe he would be up and would open the door before Padfoot walked out of his apartment for whatever reason. And he actually did. He was wearing nothing but boxers. It looked like I woke him up.

“I was sleeping on the couch.” He croaked as I walked inside. “What gives me the honor of your visit?”

“Just wanted to drop by and hang out for a while. I… Don’t know how to tell you this but I had a girlfriend.” I said.

“…Had?”

“As in she broke up with me just now. She figured out I’m having an affair. Well, in a sense I am. The real problem is that I couldn’t stand being around her.”

Raphael sat down on the couch.

“Why is that?”

“Because turns out I like guys, don’t you see?” I exclaimed, still standing. “I mean, I didn’t know there was such option until very recently and it turned my whole life upside down. I thought I loved her. Now I am pretty sure I was just confused and my feelings for her were based solely on competition. I feel bad for it. And… And now I started seeing other guys this way too, not just you, and it’s definitely not the time for it.”

I looked at Raphael and he was smiling at me.

“You look very handsome when you are distressed this way.” He said and my face immediately started to burn.

Raphael was charming – I hated to admit that but he did charm me into going to bed with him – and was even more so with bed hair and sitting only in his underwear.

“Thank you.” I replied curtly and dropped to the couch, at a safe distance. “But I don’t enjoy being in this situation.”

“That’s understandable.” Raphael said, getting closer and caressing my thigh. “I had a terrible time accepting myself and I think you are doing great. Let me tell you something: first guy I was in love with was my best friend. He’s into girls, as you’d expect, and I would never have a chance. More than being in love with someone who won’t return your feelings, it hurts realizing that you are different. Wrong, maybe. I still feel this way, sometimes.”

“Yeah, I’m feeling very wrong right now.” I confessed. Visiting Raphael was the right idea, although his state of nakedness bothered me a bit. Because it was good to look at. And it shouldn’t be. “I… I just want to get away from all this but I need to get my ex-girlfriend living with me again. Her sister is a bitch and is the only person she has left at the moment. I don’t want to put her through that. I felt like I’ve failed her and I’ve failed myself.”

“It will pass. Until it doesn’t, let’s drink some.”

We drank some and then we drank far too much more. I woke up with a pounding headache, on his bed. I was fully clothed still, and I was alone. The door was closed but it was possible to hear two people talking in the living room.

I very silently put my ear against the door, hoping to hear something more than muffled murmurs.  Couldn’t hear a thing. Just heard the front door opening and closing, then silence. Then I almost fell down when Raphael opened the door.

“Well, this is awkward.” He said. “But Padfoot just drop by saying you went missing. Actually, he thinks you are at place of the chick you are having an affair with, and he is not completely wrong, but I told him I haven’t heard from you. I suppose you are not ready to tell him yet.”

“No, I’m not. I don’t think I ever will.”

“I know you dropped by early morning, though. Where were you this afternoon and between midnight and the time you showed up at home to find your pissed out girlfriend, may I ask?”

I swallowed hard. I thought I would get away from anything Snape-related, but I was wrong.

“I was with a friend. If you could say that.”

Raphael immediately raised an eyebrow. “A guy… Friend?”

“Well, not really.” I said. “I mean, we were sort of enemies for a long time because he was my girlfriend’s best friend and I might have been a little less than decent with him because I was jealous of him and now… The circumstances have changed a bit and I’m afraid that we have to… Hm… Don’t know how to explain it. We just need to work together on something and it’s not very wise to tell my girlfriend about it.”

“Are you sleeping with him, you slut?” Raphael asked right away.

“No!” I exclaimed. “I’m not sleeping with him! It’s just complicated. And I don’t know how to explain it to you, or anyone else really, so that’s why no one knows about it. Nothing sex-related, I swear.”

“You are blushing.”

“Of course! I didn’t plan on telling anyone. Not even you.”

And, thinking about it, maybe I shouldn’t have…? What if Raphael was kidnapped because he lived next door to Padfoot? He could be valuable for spying purposes, couldn't he? It wouldn’t be hard to find out I was talking about Snape, considering Avery and Mulciber were also Death Eaters. They were impossibly dumb, but I was afraid they had a good memory.

“I really have to go. I’ll drop by later, though.” I said.

I stormed off and when I reached the street, I felt like the world was disappearing under my feet. I should probably tell Snape that I spilled beans to Raphael. I knew it meant more danger to him and I had no idea how to change Raphael’s memories.

Another thing I knew is that I had no time to pick my words. I had to go there and tell him straight as it was. And I was afraid of what he would think about it.

I wasn’t selfish enough to not tell him, though. I somehow cared about him now, and I wouldn’t want him die because I was stupid enough to trust his secret to a muggle who happened to live nearby Padfoot.

 Hating Snape came easily to me before, why was it failing me now?

 

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