Sick and Tired

James Potter begins to realize his life isn't as perfect as he firstly thought of. Hogwarts' graduation grows closer, and a war waits for him outside of the gates. A tired enemy fuels the indecision and uncertainty James feels about where he's heading, and the destiny of many might be involved into James' brand new path.

Warning: this is a Snames fic, mature content.

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Lily was using my chest as a pillow, and stroking my little friend under the sheets of our brand new king size bed. I, in turn, stared at the ceiling with my brows furrowed. For some reason, I couldn’t put myself in the mood. She noticed it as well, so she stroke harder.

No.

Still not in the mood.

“Worried?” she guessed.

“Yes.”

Worried wasn’t quite the word… Confused would be the word to use if I wanted to be honest, but I didn’t, so I kept the thought to myself.

Lily and sat up, staring down at me. “Well, that would be a first time.”

Her face was blurred, since I wasn’t wearing my glasses. I couldn’t see either she was disappointed or not with my… Lack of reaction so to speak. I sat up as well.

“Lily.”

“What?”

“Why did you fall in love with me?”

Lily laughed. “What? Do you want to discuss our relationship now? Too late, I’m already living here.”

“I’m just curious. Why did you? What did you see in me?”

“What’s not to see?” she replied. “You are kind and brave.”

Well, of course Lily ought to think this way. She didn’t know half of the things I done at Hogwarts. She didn’t know about the Marauder’s Map – which I handed in to Filch before we started dating – and knew about Remus’ condition and why we called him Moony, but wasn’t aware of why I was called Prongs, and Sirius, Padfoot. She thought they were fun nicknames… She would never guess we betrayed Dumbledore and let Moony ran loose at Hogsmeade and Hogwarts’ grounds.

Better for him, who ended less scathed?

Yes.

Safe for everyone else?

No.

There were a few near misses. I laughed of them then, but now that I recalled, it was too dangerous. Something we shouldn’t laugh it off.

Snape knew about a great part of my misdeeds, though.

You are a worthless piece of nothing, Potter.

Lily fell in love with the part of me that she saw. Would she forgive me if she knew I was conveniently omitting the Death Eaters know about the existence of the Order of Phoenix, somehow…? Even if I wasn’t sure if Dumbledore was aware of this fact?

What if she knew Snape still considered her a friend, and that he didn’t meant to call her a mudblood at all? I knew he didn’t want to. Whatever moved him into following Voldemort, it had nothing to do with believing in the blood supremacy or otherwise, he wouldn’t give a damn about Lily.

Who would she love, then?

Maybe he did have thing for Dark Arts, but seeing as he never did anything on purpose, only in defense, I suppose it wasn’t as bad. I myself wasn’t very fond of that kind of magic, but it didn’t mean I couldn’t use regular spells to hurt and humiliate people… And that Dark Arts’ spells couldn’t help people.

I started to vent the idea I was still drunk.

“And you?” Lily asked when I kept silent. “Why did you fell in love with me?”

I sighed. “Does it need a reason? I can’t tell why.”

“So you don’t know.”

“Well, you hated me. Falling in love with you was against all rational thoughts.”

I kissed her forehead and lay down to sleep.

OoOoO

“Is there anything you wish to report, James?”

I never realized how much Dumbledore’s eyes were piercing.

The first Order of the Phoenix meeting happened at Podmore’s home, an old friend of Dumbledore’s, a couple of days after graduation. The older members discussed strategies, and what Voldemort had done insofar, the new deaths on the muggle world clearly linked to Voldemort. The deaths in the Wizardry World which were for certain his fault.

I stayed silent through it all… I had nothing of worth I wanted to add, and preferred to sit back and observe.

“Not really. I haven’t heard anything interesting.” I was lying, but… Well, what could I do? “Just one question, though. How secret is the Order? I mean… Only us that know about it, or there is someone else?”

Dumbledore frowned. “Only us. Why the question?”

“Nothing. Just wanted to know.”

I looked around in the room. Lily at my side, holding my hand. Padfoot, Moony and Wormtail at my other side. The Longbottoms, Podmore, the Prewett brothers, the Bones. Someone inside that room told Voldemort about the Order. Who…?

And how much did Voldemort knew? Because everything they discussed in that meeting would end up in Voldemort’s ears… I could just straight up tell Dumbledore now. I didn’t.

Even better… Did Snape know who? Because I would love to tie this end loose without much alarm, though I needed to know who the spy was. Would he tell me? Last time I ask him something I got an answer, so maybe if I found him, somehow.

OoOoO

Two weeks later, Lily and I woke up in the middle of the night, with Alice Longbottom’s voice filling our room.

“There is a Death Eater raid happening in a muggle village nearby ours, (insert name here). Apparite in your home immediately.”

The dog patronus didn’t even finish the sentence, and I was already pulling out some pants out of the wardrobe and dressing myself as quickly as I could, in the dark and without my glasses. Lily did in the same fashion. Less than a couple of minutes later, we disappeared from our bedroom with a loud crack.

And within a heartbeat, we landed on the Longbottom’s living room. A good number of the members were there – the youngest ones. Padfoot, Moony and Wormtail were already there. Padfoot repressed a smirk, while Moony was placid and Wormtail couldn’t hide he was shaking on his boots, pale as chalk and quivering.

“So here’s the plan. We will show up there with the excuse we are helping to put down the fire. We were having dinner.” Alice said. She looked like a tiny general, giving orders. “The Aurors won’t help because apparently this is a common fire, and we all know it’s not. Still, the Ministry might want to keep an eye on us and if that happens, I want us to have an excuse. Are we clear?”

Everyone nodded.

“Then let’s go.”

When I apparited in the aforementioned village, the air smelt like smoke and burnt meat. We were in front of three burning houses, and the mayhem was complete: muggles were desperately trying to put off the fire, while shouting to each other, asking if there were people inside.

If the answer to the question was affirmative, I could tell by the smell in the air that those people were long gone. And then a green lightening rose from a forest nearby, and the Dark Mark floated above the houses. I was lost in the mess: I didn’t know where the other members were, then, and I lost sight of Lily as well. Searching for them, wondering if they already went to the forest, I spotted someone hiding in the shadows of an alley between two houses, in front of those which were burning.

I blinked and the person was gone. I went to the alley, and realized it had a dead end. Unless the person knew how to climb walls or run very fast, there was no way he or she could disappear so fast…

Unless it was a wizard. Then he could use apparition. It wasn’t a member of the Order of the Phoenix, or else he would show up to help, of course. And would have gone immediately to the forest. However, it might as well be a Death Eater.

In that case, what was he doing there? Where he left to?

Whoever he was, he just saw a great number of the Order of the Phoenix. But Voldemort knew all the members already, didn’t he, because there was a spy… Funny how the raid was so close to Longbottom’s home, wasn’t it? Why make an attack so close to a location where a couple of Aurors lived? Especially ones who could call other peers, from the Ministry or not.

Even Voldemort couldn’t be that dumb.

Maybe that’s what he wanted. Trick them into conflict. What for?

In desperation, I went back to the streets and saw many empty houses, for all their habitants left.

Longbottom’s home was empty. And a Death Eater just saw it for sure. He was there, just watching.

The real targets of this raid were the Longbottoms.

I appeared a few blocks down the same street of the Longbottom’s house. I didn’t want to startle anyone to my arrival… I didn’t know how many Death Eaters were there, what they were doing. And I was all alone.  Everyone was fighting in the forest. So maybe I had to knock down several others Death Eaters.

Shivers ran down my spine, and I paid attention to any sound and movement. Everything was calm, and all the houses had their windows locked. I could see some families were still watching television on their living rooms.

My way up the street was careful. I hid myself in the shadows the better I could… Walking in front of an alley, I felt a hand pulling me in, too fast for me to react.

“What are you doing here, Potter?” A masked and hooded Death Eater asked me. I recognized the voice. Snape.

“It’s a trap, isn’t it? Voldemort is targeting the Longbottoms because they are members of the Order of the Phoenix.”

Snape took off the mask and pulled down the hood, with his brows brought together. “So the secret organization Voldemort’s looking for is called Order of the Phoenix.”

“Wait, you are not going to…”

“Don’t be stupid, of course not.” he snapped.

“I thought there was a spy on the Order!”

“There isn’t. Not yet, anyway. It was just a conjecture of Voldemort’s... That Dumbledore is acting against him undercover. Today’s raid was supposed to attract the Longbottoms, since they were likely to partake in such organization. However, you all came. The plan changed. Now, it’s to kill all of those who remain from the battle occurring in the forest. I am certain all of them will escape, Voldemort held off the Aurors by telling it was a normal occurrence, but now that your group had to be attracted to the forest…” He explained, speaking clearly even though he raced against time.

What? How do you know about all this?”

He pursed his lips. “None of your business. Let’s say there are three Death Eaters inside their house now.”

Without any hesitation, I asked: “You have a plan, right?”

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