Sick and Tired

James Potter begins to realize his life isn't as perfect as he firstly thought of. Hogwarts' graduation grows closer, and a war waits for him outside of the gates. A tired enemy fuels the indecision and uncertainty James feels about where he's heading, and the destiny of many might be involved into James' brand new path.

Warning: this is a Snames fic, mature content.

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11. List of Secrets

Two heads did think better than one. By dawn, the spell was already functional and pretty much, done. Of course it wasn’t one of the easiest tasks get Snape to accept my suggestions, but he did anyway, not before a handful of heated discussions and sharp words exchanged.

“You should thank me.” I said when we did the final test on the spell and yes, it worked perfectly. The person who casted it alone would hear bells ringing if someone walked in the warded zone. Just like Voldemort wanted.

“Why should I thank for help I did not ask?” Snape replied, standing up and going towards the door. “You should go now.”

“Just a final detail. We are going to Marshall’s place tonight, right?”

Snape sighed. He had his back turned to me but I could sense him rolling his eyes.

“There’s no we. I am terribly sorry that I had to involve you into this, and you are better off without getting yourself involved.”

“Since when do you care about my safety?”

“Since when you are the person caring for Lily!” he turned around and snapped. “If you die, she won’t suddenly like me better. The fault might even end up being mine and she will be all by herself. Hating me even more.”

“Well, yeah, I’m sorry about that.” Not really.  “But unfortunately I’m not giving you a choice here. You die, or you fail, and there goes the person who can avoid plenty of deaths like you did that day with the Longbottoms. I don’t approve that you are not going to save Mr. Marshall, but between you and him, you are the most useful one, and as far as it goes, we need to work together.”

“No, we don’t. You want to entertain yourself. We don’t have to do anything together right now.”

If I was to be honest with myself, I quite enjoyed the idea of actually doing something, for a change. All the secrecy made it all even better. Since I left Hogwarts, I missed being a part of something. The Marauders were nothing but a bunch of men getting drunk and high since we graduated, and that didn’t end up very well for my poor behind.

But, I could understand why Snape wouldn’t want anything to do with me after all those years of torment.

“Look, I get that you hate me, and that’s alright, but I’m really trying to keep things friendly between us, okay? Aside from turning into a Death Eater and being a Dark Arts lover, you are sort of an alright person and I’m willing to let it go so we can, I don’t know, work together to avoid losses. Include Lily on that bunch.”

“So easy to be willing to let it all go when you aren’t the one with a ruined life, isn’t it, Potter?” Snape said, coldly.

“All I’m asking is for you to give me a chance and let me help you out. I’m not the kid I was before. I do understand you are in a tight spot and sometimes saving everyone is not possible, and yes, I know very well you have less than great hobbies, and I won’t hold your earlier mistakes against you anymore. Will you stop holding mine against me? We both did things we are not proud of. I’m not proud of what I did to you, anymore.”

“That would be a change.” He sneered and turned around again. “If you are not here again by midnight and ten seconds, I’m going without you. You can find your way out.”

And so I did. Gladly Lily wasn’t waiting for me at home, so I headed to Padfoot’s to have a chat. The door was locked, and Raphael got out of his apartment just as I was about to leave.

“He has a girl over.” Raphael said. “They have been locked up there all day long.”

“Good for him, I guess.”

“I was about to leave to get some groceries, but we can stay at my place for a while. If you want to.”

I hesitated for a while. He pulled me in for a kiss and stroked my crotch.

“Do you want now?” he purred in my ear.

I was still a bit in denial about sleeping with him. The memories felt eerie and dream-like, probably because I was still a little drunk and stoned, but I was sober then. And my body reacted immediately to his touch. I wanted to try once more. Just to be sure I really enjoyed it.

I thought about Lily.

“It has to be quick.”

Raphael grinned mischievously.

“I can be.” We went inside his apartment and he started kissing my all over and taking off my jacket and my sweater. “Kneel.”

“What?”

“Kneel. You have to return me a favor.”

I swallowed hard. Putting someone’s penis in my mouth while completely sober would confirm exactly what I was afraid of confirming. Was I into guys, after all?

“I… I never…”

“Are you afraid of finding out you might like it?”

“Kinda, yeah.” I admitted. “I… I have a girlfriend and everything. Feels wrong.”

He put his hand in my pants and stroked me through my boxers.

“Does it feel good, though?”

Yes, it did. I kneeled and watched as he undid his pants and lowered his briefs, exposing his erect penis. It was a touch smaller than mine, but thicker, too. I took a deep breath and grabbed the shaft, sliding my hand up and down until the head was bright red and a bit of pre cum dripped towards the floor.

“Taste it.” said Raphael.

I licked the tip of his cock and the taste wasn’t exactly what I would call “good”, but… I ended sucking it, albeit shyly.

What followed in the next twenty minutes on top of his couch made me sure that, yes, I was into guys. I had nowhere to hide. It wasn’t just a drunk mistake, not anymore. I wouldn’t dare to say I had feelings for Raphael, though. I barely knew him.

I left his apartment feeling that I had yet another secret to add to my growing list of secrets. 

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