Sick and Tired

James Potter begins to realize his life isn't as perfect as he firstly thought of. Hogwarts' graduation grows closer, and a war waits for him outside of the gates. A tired enemy fuels the indecision and uncertainty James feels about where he's heading, and the destiny of many might be involved into James' brand new path.

Warning: this is a Snames fic, mature content.

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1. Guilty

 

“I'm bored.” complained Sirius at my side.

“Well, then...” Lily replied as she cut furiously the ingredients of our potions project. “Maybe you could just help me out for a change.”

Sirius barked a laugh at the proposal. “What, and fuck up the potion? No way.”

I myself am not very interested in doing any work, so I rushed into my friend's defense.

“You know, when we complain we are bored, we don't mean to get boring work to do.” I said, running my fingers through my hair, to mess it up a little more. A tingle on my thigh startled me: Sirius poked my leg with a parchment, under the table and out of Lily's radar. I discretely slip my hand as if reaching to my pocket to grab the note.

Do you think she'll notice if we blow up Snivelly's cauldron? Look at what I brought.

I looked up at Sirius and he held a small bomb on his hands. Our own invention, it would set off once immersed in liquid... Which was very useful in times like the NEWTs potions class. I didn't intend to actually get a degree in Potions, though it was the class the Gryffindors shared with the Slytherins, and it sounded like fun, not to mention no way I would let Lily alone in a class she used to sit with Snape.

Hence, there I was, plotting to blow up Snape's cauldron and smear that dangerous potion all over his face. Maybe it would destroy his face completely and Madam Pomfrey would have to reconstruct it... Perhaps give him a nose which didn't hit people if he turned around too fast for them to dodge it.

He had to thank me for it, eventually.

Once the potion for the day was done, I quickly volunteered: “I''ll take it to Slughorn's desk, Lily. Don't tell me I don't help after this.”

Her green eyes gleamed at me, reprovingly. “Oh, wow, that's a lot of work.”

“I do it because it's for you.” I said before leaning to kiss her cheek. Her cheek went a lovely tone of pink and I could feel it rising. Much to her dislike, she cracked open a smile. Sirius made barf noises on the background. “Fuck off, Padfoot.” With that, I rose from my spot with the bomb inside an outer pocket of my robes.

For matters of convenience, I put the vial on the same pocket as the bomb.

Snivellus sat three rows in front of our table, with his filthy Slytherin friends, Avery and Mulciber. He had done and delivered his own work already, though there was remaining potion on his cauldron. Gladly, he wasn't paying attention, curled over his old and battered potions book, noting down things didn't interest me at the slightest. So it was very very easy to slip the bomb inside his cauldron when I walked past.

I delivered the potion to Slughorn with a frown on my face. The bomb should have exploded already. What went wrong? I turned around, meaning to return to my table and answer my question. Snivellus was still curling over his book. Then I glared at Sirius, who merely shrugged and rolled his eyes.

With luck, Snape would vanish the potion and not notice the bomb inside of it.

A couple of seconds before I walk past Snivellus' table, he closed the book and sat straight, crackling his finger's joints.

“Do you honestly think it would work?” he muttered when I was aligned with him. I could hear the nasty smirk on his voice.

The question stayed without an answer. Lily observed me, and of course, I didn't want her to know of anything. For her, me and Snivellus were completely indifferent to each other...And I'd like to keep it that way, so I continued to sit at my spot and ruffle my hair .

Sirius slipped a note for me under the table, once again.

What happened?

Not sure, though we can ask Snivellus in person when the class is over, I wrote down and sent it back to him.

It was possible to know he read the entire message because a wicked grin appeared on his face, and he wiggled his eyebrows to me.

“What?” Lily asked. “What are you two planning?”

“We?” I asked back, trying to look innocent. “Nothing. Where did you get this idea from?”

She narrowed her eyes. Her gaze jumped from me, to Sirius. And then back at me. I merely smirked, trying to play it cool. Of course, she would never know I still picked on Snape. He was too much of a big head to tell anyone, and he wasn't exactly the innocent of the story so no one but me and my friends knew about it. The situation would gladly remain the same.

“Hey, we aren't going to do anything.” Sirius finally said something. “Relax.”

By then, everyone else in the room was getting ready to leave. And, to my luck, Lily's friends approached her and she went away with them. Remus and Peter joined us when Lily left.

“I saw what happened.” Remus said. “A bomb in his cauldron? Will you ever stop? This potion was dangerous, it could be almost fatal!”

Sirius snorted. “Who cares? Somehow he avoided the explosion anyway.” Then he added in mutter, since Snape, Avery and Mulciber were walking towards the door thus passing at our side: “There he goes. I bet he's going to the library and his little evil minions are going to the Slytherin common room.”

“You better be right.” I reply while throwing my own bag at one shoulder and standing up, ready to leave.

And he was. Avery and Mulciber were nowhere to be seen, while when we left, we saw him all alone turning right at the end of the hallway – the only way possible to the upper levels of the castle. So I urged everyone to walk faster and bolted towards the stairs.

Right on time to see him turning left, to another part of the steps.

“Oi, Snivellus!” I shouted and climbed up the stairs, and so did my partners in crime.

Snape did try to walk faster and run away. I aimed my wand at his old backpack and tore it open magically. Three heavy tomes fell on the floor. Peter laughed excitedly behind me and Sirius. I thought Snape would be furious and attack us back. Though when he turn around, he was completely stoic. He waved his own wand, and the backpack was whole again, and the three tomes floated to inside of it. Then he picked it up from the floor and left without uttering a single word.

“What's wrong with him?” I asked myself before running upstairs and grabbing his arm to twirl him around. “Not so brave these days, Snivellus?”

He released himself from my grip with as much strength as he could use with his thin arms and blinked. His eyes were as much as empty and cold, partially hidden by the greasy black hair of his.

“You won, Potter. Lily won't even acknowledge my existence, and you should do the same.”

“Hey, it wasn't my fault you called her a...”

“Sure, whatever makes you sleep at night.” he sneered before turning his back on me and walking away.

I stayed back, and Sirius came to stand at my side: “Maybe we should try a different trick. I think he's just plotting against us.”

I refrain from telling what I thought. Snivellus wasn't lying... Strangely enough, I could tell by the look of his eyes.

Not that Padfoot would know about it.

“Yeah, let's try something else tomorrow.”

OoOoO

“I realize I am making out with your neck.” Lily said. We were hiding in our favorite broom closet, instead of our patrolling duties. Though I wasn't exactly on the mood of a make out session... Still, I hugged her waist tighter and kissed her fully in the lips, letting my tongue wander in her mouth as hers explored my own. “Is there something bothering you?” she asked when the kiss didn't deepen like she would like it to.

“What? No, of course not!”

“Well, you are just incredibly distant today. I'm your girlfriend, you can tell me everything.”

“It's nothing, really.” I insisted. No, I couldn't tell her everything... “I'm just sleepy. I will patrol the hallways a bit then I'm going to bed. Okay?”

She sighed and slid her hands from my neck to my chest. “Okay. If you say so. I go left and you go right?”

“Fine by me.”

And so I wandered on my own at Hogwarts' hallways. I would miss them so. In the end of the term, graduation awaited for me... Inside Hogwarts I felt incredibly safe. My parents were recently deceased, my house just didn't feel the same without them. To know not only graduation, but an adult life and a war waited me outside of the gates made my stomach churn. I turned around, hoping to sleep the bad feeling off...

Though I heard steps, and they were certainly not my own. I realized I am nearby the library... Who would be nearby the library that late of the night? Only one person came to my mind, and then I was no longer walking. Silently, I turned around yet again, eyes and ears paying attention to any signs of movement.

The sounds were fading away. I would have to run if I wanted to catch whoever was walking around after curfew. But the person wasn't far. Several moments later, I spotted Snivellus.

“Tsc, tsc. Do I have to discount twenty points from Slytherin to make you learn not to sneak out of yours dorms?” I said.

He turned on his heels, with several books on his hands. “Just do it already and fuck off, will you?”

“No. What are those books? Are they from the Restricted Session? Are you stealing books to study Dark Arts, Mr. Snape? That will be another fifty points.” I replied as I approached him with a smirk on my face.

“Whatever, Potter.”

“I think the Headmaster would like to know about your night activities. I wonder what he will think about this.” I am close enough to tap the books he carried. He didn't react to the threat. So I went on: “Maybe... Eject you from here? Nobody would want a Death Eater inside the castle but Voldemort, and I hate to say, no one but you cares about what he thinks.”

Snape's lips went thinner and thinner. When I least expected it, his hand grabbed my collar and pushed me against the wall. The books were scattered on the floor, and Snape's eyes had a manic glitter on them. With his free hand, he pulled out his wand and put the tip of it under my jaw.

“Do you know this scar right here, Potter?” he asked, tapping the scar on my cheek with the wand. This scar he gave it to me, in the afternoon he and Lily stopped being friends. The cut wouldn't stop bleeding, though I didn't take it to Madam Pomfrey. Lupin tried a healing spell which left me scarred. “I can make it way worst. As it is, I don't care about graduating here, so I might as well leave with a great memory.”

His voice was low and cutting. Though he didn't let any anger seep into it, I knew he was angry enough to actually harm me. Still, I didn't struggle to release myself. I tried to slide my hand to my pocket.

“No, don't even think about it.” he hissed and pushed me further against the wall, until the back of my head hurt. “Listen here, all I want is to be left alone. You don't have to make much effort to give me a very good reason to hurt you, but if you do, don't expect me to hesitate for even a second. Summer vacations in Azkaban would be worth it. Are we clear?

All words escaped me, all of them but “Y-yes.” Finally I found myself released.

Snape gave two steps back, panting. His hair moved back and forth as he breathed. Oh, he was enraged... However, his rage was cold: he was no longer Snivellus who cursed at me two years ago. No one would in fact expect him to become a Death Eater, but at that moment, I knew he would.

He hated me, and hated Hogwarts, and possibly hated own his life, enough not to care about it and be willing to ruin it for revenge. I headed back to my dorm with a heavy pit instead of my stomach, unable to sleep, with the happenings playing again and again in my head.

“Are you sick?” Lily questioned, touching my forehead to feel if I had fever, when I sat by her side at the breakfast table.

“No, I guess I just feel..."

Guilty.

 

 

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