Sick and Tired

James Potter begins to realize his life isn't as perfect as he firstly thought of. Hogwarts' graduation grows closer, and a war waits for him outside of the gates. A tired enemy fuels the indecision and uncertainty James feels about where he's heading, and the destiny of many might be involved into James' brand new path.

Warning: this is a Snames fic, mature content.


3. Despicable me

“Lily told me you were ill. I went to the Hospital Wing and Madam Pomfrey said you didn't show up there so I went back here.” Padfoot said as he sat down by my side and put his feet on the center table. Probably a prefect would take away points from that, though everyone was in class and I didn't bother with it. “Feeling better?”

“Not a bit.” I replied.

If I wanted to strangle Snivellus before, now I wanted to strangle myself for being that dumb. Snivellus knew we were going to see Dumbledore that night. And the last thing he said to me... You won't last very long outside of here. Did he lie to me again and knew we were going to be expelled because he did tell something to Dumbledore?


I should have tried my luck and attacked him right there. Then indeed run very fast.

“If you want to throw up, just don’t do it on my lap.” After a few moments, he asked: “Or are you just nervous because of the note?”

Well, I supposed the note played a huge part into my state, so I replied: “Exactly. What Dumbledore want with us?” And why did I feel Snivellus knew far too much about it already?

“We’ll find out, don’t you think?”


Padfoot smirked, then. “Hey, Prongs.”


“If Dumbledore really expels us, do you think Lily will get mad at us? Because, whatever we did, it had to be something to do with Snivellus. She thinks we don’t mess with him anymore.”

I shrugged. “Probably.”

But Snivellus said it wasn’t his fault... He wouldn’t be able to keep to himself the fact we were animagi for years to only tell Dumbledore now and not brag about it. Who else would want us expelled and how this person have been investigating us without our knowledge? I’d rather believe Snivellus lied to me again.

I would know if he lied or not later anyway. And then he would be the one to feel very sorry.

Padfoot and I spent our afternoon playing Explosive Snap and napping. Though I hid on the dorms when Lily arrived and told Pad to lie to her and say I was still feeling ill and she shouldn’t check me because I was still on the bathroom.

It worked. Looking at the Marauder’s Map, I saw she went up to her dorms. It reminded me I should have put it back where the map was... It would be better if I kept to myself the fact I had the map, at least until I found out about what Dumbledore wanted from us.

I hid it my pocket while I climbed down the stairs to return to the common room. From there, we decided to go earlier to Dumbledore’s office.

Wormtail muttered to himself over and over along the way: “I hope I won’t get expelled. My mum wouldn’t like it.”

Moony, I and Padfoot remained silent.

The gargoyle which guarded the stairs to the office stepped aside when we were a couple of steps away from it. Dumbledore was waiting for us... I swallowed hard and was the first to climb on the first step.

I relaxed a bit when I saw Dumbledore smiled to us, sitting behind his desk.

“You look quite nervous.” he observed and gestured to the four chairs which were in front of the desk. “Well then, have a seat.”

We sat down. Wormtail quivered in fear at my side. Padfoot had chilled down completely already.

“I called you here because I have an invitation to make. You’ll soon graduate, with excellent grades I can only hope, and I believe you would like to join me in a... How can I say it...? Task.”

“Which task?” Moony questioned, with a half-hearted. He still didn’t quite believe we were not going to be expelled, nor receive detention.

“Destroying Voldemort, of course.” Dumbledore replied as if stating the sky was blue. “I want to invite you to join the Order of the Phoenix, a secret organization under my lead which is concerned in fighting Voldemort. Outside of the Ministry, in case he takes over the Ministry as well...  You are of age, and soon will graduate and be full adults in the Wizardry World. The omen of a war float upon us, and I thought...” He stopped for a few seconds, eyeing our dropped jaws. “You would like to play a role in it.”

“Well, duh!” Padfoot exclaimed. “I am more than ready to kick some Death Eaters’  butt.”

“I want to join too.” Wormtail said. “I mean... How dangerous can it be?”

Moony sighed in relief. “Count me in. I’ll try to help as I can.”

Dumbledore’s gaze fell upon me, waiting for my answer.

“Sure!” I said, pretending to be excited. You won’t last very long outside of here if you keep spilling your secrets this way. Snivellus knew about the Order, he had to!  This should be why he figured out Dumbledore called me to his office so quickly.

Double fuck.

He knew I was in the Order.

“And what about Lily?” I asked. “Have you called her yet, sir?”

“Sure, but I wanted to ask you first.”  Dumbledore said. “But I had a guess of what the answer would be.”

Of course Lily wouldn’t say no.

I kept quiet as Dumbledore explained over how the Order work, and he said we would meet the members after the graduation and in person for matters of safety.

“And your first task will be to keep your eyes and ears open in this month you have left.”

With that, he dismissed us.

I wasn’t the only one telling secrets, though. Snivellus just told me he and his pals knew about the Order, and that he would or already was a Death Eater. What game was he playing? I thought he wanted me dead, why would he warn me to be careful with my words if he wasn’t being that careful himself?

Was he... Was he trying to warn me? Or was he threatening me? Because I could just head back to Dumbledore’s office and tell about the little conversation I had with him. For some odd reason, I stuck with the option he was warning me rather and went to try to sleep instead.

I took a nap for a couple of hours, which ended far too early for my liking. I knew I wasn’t going to sleep again anyway, so I put on my clothes in silence and left the dorms, looking forward to the breakfast. Only then I realized I didn’t ate lunch nor dinner.

My stomach grumbled loudly. Gladly, I was already outside of the dorms...

I didn’t have stepped on the common room for two seconds when Lily approached me, with a line between her brows.

“Pad told me you were very ill. Are you feeling better today?”

I smiled and leaned forward to kiss her forehead. “Much better.”

Her face relaxed and then she grinned at me.

“Oh, thanks Merlin. Dying at the potty must be really shameful.”

“Yeah, this isn’t the kind of death I would pick.” I passed my arm on her shoulder and she hugged my waist. “Would you like company for breakfast, miss?”

“Sure I would, sir.”

And for the following forty minutes, neither the Order or Snivellus mattered anymore.


“James, I really need to talk to you. In private.” Lily whispered to me.

We were just done with our lunch, a couple of days later, along Wormtail, Pads and Moony.

I still struggled between going right off the Dumbledore and tell him everything I know and staying silent about Snivellus. Each day was worse, because maybe one day would be too late. And Snivellus had been impossible to figure out as of late.
The conversation with Lily in private happened on a nearby empty hallway.

“Dumbledore told me you already accepted his invitation.” she muttered, her green eyes worried and fearful.

“Well, yes. What is there to think about it?”

“I don’t know. I said yes, of course, but this doesn’t mean I don’t fear for our necks. Moony, Padfoot and Wormtail’s as well. Isn’t it too dangerous?”

“What’s left for us to do, Lily?” I asked. “I don’t want to sit on my ass all war long and watch Voldemort taking over everything.Do you?”

“No, but it’s just... I don’t know. I knew I wasn’t going to stay still and do anything, though I wasn’t expecting be part of something so official.” she muttered. “A secret organization. We’ll become double targets!”  she exclaimed as loudly as she could and then shut up unexpectedly, focusing her gaze at the floor.

Avery, Mulciber and Snivellus just walked past. I not so discretely observed them. Then Snivellus looked back and we stare at eachother for a moment. His eyes weren’t cold, nor empty this times. They were... Suplicant. Then he almost minutely glanced at Lily, and walked away with his colleagues.

“I wouldn’t worry.”  I said to Lily.

“You never worry about anything!” she snapped at me.

I didn’t reply.

Is not that I didn’t worry.

It was more like she had much more friends than she imagined, and I could name a Death Eater which would never lay a finger on her. Or me, for this matter, but only because I was dear to her.

Don’t get me wrong, I still despised him with all my soul for his decision on being a Death Eater, though -- damn it all -- I couldn’t help being kind of relieved because he wasn't as despicable as I first thought of.

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