Messed Up Truths

Life never really turns out the way you expect it to. But when your 29, dumped, sacked and living with your parents...your just doomed.

Follow my story as I share with you the highs and lows of being a 29yr old girl going crazy...desperate not to reach the big...I can't even say it without shedding a tear (3 0)!!


2. The self pity

Twenty nine, it’s a tough age, close to Thirty; it’s the age where you’re supposedly pretty much have settled into life. Or as others say “You’ve got your shit together!”

                I’d been dumped months three months ago, I only dated the guy for a few weeks but it still stung. At twenty nine I realised I wasn’t able to bounce back as I once could. Being dumped in my early twenties was no problem, I’d find another guy within hours...But with age everything thing seemed to rapidly slow down, especially the heeling process...Everything was one huge mess!

                My best friend Moby (Yes as in Moby Dick...He gets that a lot. I’m assuming his parents decided to name him that to toughen him up from an early age) Warned me not to date this guy “He sounds like a loser!” In all fairness he was a loser, but at the time, I was desperate to settle for anything! The old me (Or should I say the younger me) would never have given him the time of day...He was too short, fat, with this protruding jaw and he hadn’t aged well either. But I can’t be picky...I’m a bit desperate now!

                In the space of being dumped and getting sacked, I went on three other disastrous dates.

Date 1   -              I came across this pleasant looking man on the train. He smiled at me so I returned the smile. This went on for a few minutes. My friend Jana immediately picked up on this supposed chemistry and so decided to give him my number! A month later he contacted me, asking to meet for coffee. I was hesitant at first but decided I had nothing to lose. He wasn’t as cute as I remember and he was just my height, maybe a milometer shorter. His thick European accent, sadly, wasn’t seducing me and the moment he told me his was living with his soon to be ex girlfriend I switched off. Date 2 -                                My friend Ava set me up with her husband’s university friend. He stood me up yet I sat there waiting for him for one hour. Date 3 -                                My mother set me up with this guy, who was recommended by this random woman she met in a queue at the bank (Her social scene). He was hideous, I couldn’t even swallow my food, and I had this unremitting habit of heaving, every time he looked at me. 

I moaned about each date to Moby.

 I met Moby at university, on my first day.  I recall us just standing gawkily in the kitchen. I attempted to look out of the window whilst I ate my cereal, which dripped everywhere, in the hope of him leaving, but he stood facing the cooker whilst he ate his. This went on for a good ten minutes. On his way out he suggested we meet up tomorrow, same time, to eat cereal in silence, I couldn’t refuse an offer like that.

Moby and I made this bizarre pact to marry one another when we reached the age of thirty, if we were both still single, and hopeless. We made this pact when we were twenty two, inebriated and feeding the ducks, six in the morning, at the local park, it was a beautiful moment. However at that age you think thirty is decades away, now with only less than 12 months to go, what would become of this...


Don’t you ever wish you could take a peek at your future? I mean just a quick glimpse, so you could give your mind a little rest. Who would I be married to? Would my kids be remotely normal looking? Where would I be living? It would make things so much easier, I wouldn’t have to stress about so many things. I hate it when people say “But it’s so much fun not knowing what will happen tomorrow!” Its ok for those people, as everything in their life is running so smooth.

Jana has a huge tendency to throw that saying in my face, I know it comes from a good place but every time she says “Be positive, good things happen when you think positively, it’s all in the power of the mind.” I have this urge to slap her! However, annoyingly it might be true; Jana wasn’t always a positive person herself, especially when she fell pregnant at the age of sixteen!

It was the year 2000 and we’d finished a double session of physics. Jana sent me a note in class asking to meet behind the music hut. I recall that moment very clearly. I’d finished reading the note then turning around to see whether she was being serious.  She looked concerned but not as concerned as me. You see Jana was my best friend and after every class, it was a natural for us to coincide and walk out together; we were literally joined by the hip.

Why was there a need to meet behind the music hut, in secrecy, where no one could possibly see us?

I had noticed in the last three weeks Jana was a little distracted. She did skip a few lunch breaks and after school she’d stay behind in the library. But I put it all down to her being studious. I should have realised she was lying, the closest we’d get to reading after school would be the menu at the fish and chips shop!

Thoughts just surpassed my mind. It was happening; this would be the moment when Jana would confess her true feelings towards me. I knew it, being locked up in this all girl’s school and having this goddess (I’m referring to me) as a friend, the attraction was bound to happen. I played the scene in my head a few times.

Scenario 1           Jana is waiting for me behind the music hut. I walk up to her, the wind blowing through my chestnut coloured hair, my face in all its glory...perfection.

“I’m so glad you came, I was worried you’d never show up!” Jana cries, blinded by my beauty.

“What is it Jana.” I say in my husky voice.

“Look there’s no easy way to say this but....I think I’m in love with you! You must have known this would happen, you’re so beautiful and funny, and you have perfect hair and perfect skin! I’m so confused I’m in love with you and yet I want to be you, you should be a model or an actress. You can be whoever you want to be...”

This scenario could seriously go on forever!

Scenario 2           I walk up to the music hut and Jana is nowhere to be seen. There’s a note telling me to meet her inside. That’s even scarier, no one ever goes inside the music hut, we don’t like to disturb “The black ghost”. However I decide to brave the ghost and walk in. The corridor is dark and there’s no sound coming from the cubicles, suddenly out of nowhere Jana leaps on me, she attempts to grab me. I push her back and I fight her off with my karate kid 1 moves....

Seriously who has thoughts like this?

                Anyway the school bell rings, I hastily pack up my bag in an attempt to catch up with Jana but when I look over my shoulder she’s already disappeared. That was super quick!

                I walk over to the music hut, my heart pounding as thoughts swamp my mind.

“ here!”

                I hear a voice, I look over to find Jana’s head popping out of one of the windows, she’s in the music hut (Scenario prepared!) I walk into the hollow corridor, it has this eerie echo. At this point I wasn’t sure who I was scared of the most “The black ghost” or Jana! As I continued to walk, my body trebling, my heart beating against my rib cage, I hear a loud thud and the next second I was being pounced on and bundled into a small cubicle. I came face to face with Jana...

“I don’t love you!” I yelled, choking back on the words.

“What?” Jana asked, her face scrunched up, her puffy eyes red with tiny vessels.

                I knew I had broken her; this news would be devastating to anybody!

“I’m pregnant.”She whimpered.

“What!” I squirmed.

                I was a little bit embarrassed but that instantly evaporated when the news sunk in. Pregnant? How could my sixteen year old best friend get pregnant, she spent all her time at school or with me.

“How did this happen, who’s is it?” I questioned her with authority.

“I’m so scared...I’m in so much trouble!” Jana cried.

“Tell me Jana, talk to me so I can help you!”

                I’m now going to allow Jana to tell you her story in her own words.

                “It was a cold crispy Monday morning...I lay awake in my bed wondering whether trees could feel pain, did it hurt when their leaves dried up and fell off...”

STOP! Jana please just stick to the story.

                “Oh Ok sorry. I was in my final year, studying my GCSE’s, I was so stressed. My mother wanted me get into Oxford, Cambridge or St Andrews, so I could go on to meet a wealthy man and one day marry him! I hated letting my mother down.

                So I started to spend time with our form tutor Miss Hedshaw, she was great, she told me to seek extra classes from my subject teachers, also get in some exam practice.  That’s exactly what I did, I spent time with Mr Redbrick, the maths teacher, he was good with numbers...Mrs Smith, she would help correct my essays, continuously going over the mistakes I seemed to make again and again. But then I thought I’d see Mr Colt, he was the examination administrator. I’d never really spoken to Mr Colt before; he’d only just started a few months back.

                Well I went along to see him; he talked to me about the pressures of exams and other stuff. He told me how unfair my mother was being to me, he really understood me. As he spoke, I was mesmerised by those blue sparkly eyes, hidden by those ghastly thick rimmed glasses. Mr Colt could completely relate to me, especially when he told me he went through all this with his own parents.

                After that first session I found myself going to his office a lot more. One lunch time, I went in with a box of chocolates to thank him for all the talks he’d given me. He smiled,

“You shouldn’t have, I’m only helping you because I care...I’m your friend.” He said.

“Thank you sir.” I replied

“Don’t be silly and enough with the sir, I’m only twenty eight!” He chuckled. He had this wonderful laugh.

                Twenty eight, to actually put a number by him was strange for me. Teachers were seen as ageless; you never really considered them as human. So when Mr Colt suggested we meet after school, my heart sank. Seeing a teacher away from the school premises was alien to me, actually alien to any pupil. I hesitated at first, knowing something about this wasn’t right. But Mr Colt intervened my thoughts,

“Look at me,” He blurted out, “I keep thinking you’re an adult, I forget you’re only just a student.” He smirked.

                The moment he said those words something burned inside me, I was certainly not just some irresponsible student.

“After school sounds good to me” I bawled.

                Mr Colt, or should I say Mr Perky(Mark’s his real name) , as he preferred to be called, picked me up in his Porsche. I felt like a real adult. He drove me around town that day; we stopped by the river to “talk.”But before I could open my mouth he kissed me. It wasn’t a passionate kiss, it wasn’t even that pleasant but I allowed it to continue.

                After that evening, Mark and I started “dating.” He’d invite me over to his flat, he’d cook for me sometimes play his guitar but most importantly he’d listen to me. He was a great listener. One day when we were talking, one thing led to another and he took my hand and led me to the bedroom, where we made love.

                Mr Colt was gentle and loving, he was my soul mate and I fell in love with him...

Ok Jana, thank you for your version of events, but there are a few amendments needed.

Mr Colt was a beast...he was in no way or form attractive, he was a nerd with horrible hair! That part about his parents being pushy...his parents are the biggest pushovers ever! Student and teacher relationships are wrong, but ok if its only role play by two consenting adults. “Make love” I’m pretty sure Mr Colt would not be calling it that! Lastly “Mr Perky” that’s too much information...wrong on so many levels.

So I stood in the cubicle with Jana, watching the tears stream down her pale face, she was definitely in trouble but not as much trouble as Mr Colt.

It’s strange how things turned out, after that. At that very moment, standing in that cubicle with Jana it felt like our world came crashing down. However, weeks later Mr Colt was asked to leave the school (If he left quietly, he would leave with a good reference.) The headmistress at the time was desperate to keep a great reputation at our private school.

Jana finished her GCSE’s, had a beautiful baby boy, named him Lewis and ended up marrying Mr Colt. She didn’t have much of a choice, her mother kicked her out of the house and she ended up living with her eccentric grandma (Eccentric is a little understated, she calls every man, literally EVERY man, she meets “Hello lover” it became disturbing after a while) Grandma didn’t want her granddaughter living in sin so suggested marriage. Mr Colt ended up working in retail and Jana ended up becoming a dentist! However 10 years down the line their marriage ended.

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