Messed Up Truths

Life never really turns out the way you expect it to. But when your 29, dumped, sacked and living with your parents...your just doomed.

Follow my story as I share with you the highs and lows of being a 29yr old girl going crazy...desperate not to reach the big...I can't even say it without shedding a tear (3 0)!!

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5. The low point

I think at this point I’d been jobless for three months. I could tell my mood was becoming increasingly dark. I was frustrated at the lack of control, in everyday things. I sadly also felt others were judging me. In the past I’ve never valued what others have thought of me but from some reason now I was over-analysing.

                My mind was over thinking. I lay in bed and looked over at my clock it was 7am, I shifted through the news articles, on my phone. I really needed to stop reading depressing articles, they were really peeling away layers of my skin. I lay in bed almost frozen; I questioned myself on the reasons for actually needing to get out of bed today. There wasn’t anything to look forward to; it would just be another boring day, without doing anything worthwhile.

                Today in particular I had no desire to get out of bed, nothing motivated me to. I tried to think of certain goals to target such as going for a run, fresh air etc. Maybe calling up a few people to see if they had any particular leads to potential jobs, but I simply couldn’t be bothered. It just felt like everything I did was pointless. I felt the whole world was against me and my bad luck prevented me from being happy.

                I scrolled through my phone for text messages, I read through each one, thinking how useless these text messages were to me. I deleted each message one by one, followed by each contact in my phone.

                That very moment, my mother burst into my room,

“Wake up, time for job hunting.”

                I threw the pillow over my head; I just wanted to shut everything out. I was angry, upset a total mess. I wanted to cry but I didn’t have the energy, not this morning.

                I couldn’t understand how my mood just suddenly dropped. I guess it was bound to happen.

                I just recall going to the shops and buying two packs of Paracetamol from one shop then moving along to the next to purchase some more. By the end of the trip I had eight boxes of Paracetamols stuffed in my purse.

                I knew what I was doing, I just never thought I’d finally go through with it. I dragged myself to my room, shutting the door behind. I slowly removed the eight boxes from my purse along with the large bottle of water I bought along. I sat on the edge of my bed peering at the wooden floor, this was it...

                No more friends, no more parents, no more stress or having to pretend everything was ok. I closed my eyes and for a second the darkness terrified me, I quickly opened them again. I took a deep breath, I wanted to cry but choked back on the tears , this was no time to cry.

                I unravelled the lid from the bottle of water and took a huge sip. I then grabbed hold of the first box of painkillers and took out two tablets. I shoved the first two at the back of my throat, took a sip of water and swallowed them with ease. I then grabbed the next two...

                I thought I heard a loud thud, my head was spinning from the adrenaline rush. The room was almost spinning. My body was irresolute but I forced myself to continue.

BANG! My mother burst into my room, was this hell?

“Mum!” I yelled,

“Your father is a complete moron!” She cried, “He has the audacity to have a go at me at the bank in front of all those customers, what must they think of us...I could see them whispering in one another’s ears. Wait till he gets home!”

I watched on in silence...I couldn’t believe what was happening here. Here I sat on my bed attempting to kill myself and my self obsessed mother she couldn’t even see it.

“What are you doing with so many boxes of Paracetamol?”

                I hesitated.

                “I thought I’d stock up.” I moaned sarcastically.

“Oh good, your father was looking for some the other day and Mr Peters needed some too.”

                Without even asking she pinched seven of the boxes and stormed out of the room, I was left fuming.  She took my supply away from me... 

                I rushed out of the house, still high on adrenalin, which was rapidly decreasing after taking two painkillers. I headed for the Long Hill park.

                I speedily walked, at times running. I didn’t care to check for cars or anything, I needed to end things now, I couldn’t delay it a second longer. Memories of my dear friends and family continued to savage my mind, chipping away at my desire to die. But I couldn’t allow it to do so. I didn’t want to face waking up another day pretending everything was ok, searching for jobs that meant nothing to me, watching pointless shows.

                I finally found myself overlooking the river, standing on a high bridge. Staring down at the dirty water made me feel dizzy. But I had to do it. I took another look down at the shallow river, with rocks bopping above the water level.

This was it, I just had to lean over and jump...this was final!

“Hello.”

                I heard a croaky voice behind me.

“Hello dear.” He repeated.

I jerked back, away from the stone wall.

“You watching the river?”

                Behind me stood a short old man, no teeth in his mouth, his hair as white as snow yet his leathery skin as dark as a burnt orange. He obviously loved the sun.

“Pardon me?” I said, biting down on my lip.

“You watching the river? I come here every day to watch the river too. If you’re lucky you might see some ducks go by.”

“Sorry no...I’m here for air.”

                I stared at him awkwardly, almost giving him the evil eye hoping he’d go away. However his eyes were fixated on mine.

“For air? I like air too.” He mumbled.

                I couldn’t look at his teeth less mouth anymore, it actually made me want to jump off the bridge that very second.

“I’d like to be alone.” I whispered, thinking that was enough of a hint.

“Oh yes dear I understand, there’s a bush just over there, where we can go!” He winked, licking his slimy lips.

“Gross no!”

                I ran! I ran away and far as my legs could possibly go. I couldn’t believe my luck!

               

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