Forever Young

They're best friends, always have been. But she has secrets that she hides underneath long sleeved sweaters. She has secrets that she hides behind back handed comments and the six strings of her guitar. She has secrets that she hides from her best friend.


7. Peanuts

I lent my head against the plane window, less than ten minutes til take off. I sighed, getting through the crowds in the airport was ridiculous and exhausting and extremely time consuming. At least we got to sit in first class though.

Louis sunk into the seat next to me and smiled, "hey, Zo" he ruffled my hair and I chuckled lightly. I always liked sitting next to Louis, mainly because it didn't really happen all that often, Louis usually sat next to Harry. But this time Niall and Harry were behind us and Liam and Zayn were sitting across the aisle. "So what's new with you?" Louis asked stabbing a straw into his carton of orange juice.

I shrugged, "not much really..."

Louis raised his eyebrows skeptically, "okay Zoe, I don't know who you're trying to fool... but if you ever need to talk I'm here for you, you know that right?"

I smiled and rested my head on his shoulder, "thanks Lou... but I can handle it"

His voice dropped, "this isn't about you liking Niall is it?"

I froze, "I don't like Niall..." which I guess I wasn't exactly a lie considering that I was pretty sure I was in love with him. Not in like with him.

Louis didn't respond, I was glad I guess that I didn't have to argue about it. 

I took a sip from Louis' juice and smiled against his shoulder, listening quietly as Harry and Niall joked about a couple of the X Factor contestants. Until Harry asked something that caught my breath in my throat.

"So you and Demi?" Harry asked curiously, "Like, what's going on with you and her?"

Niall was silent, I could just imagine him blushing, "well she knows how I feel so..."

Harry chuckled, "don't worry about it, I mean she made it clear that she needed time you know, given everything that she's been through, but it seems like she like you."

I tried to keep my breathing steady, I wasn't even sure why this even caught me off guard. I already knew about Niall's little crush. I guess it was a lot more real now, especially because we were seeing Demi in New York. And especially because Demi is beautiful and strong... And I'm so damned weak, no matter whether I hated being called that, fact of the matter was that it was one hundred percent true. I was weak. And Niall deserved Demi. Demi deserved Niall and I had absolutely no right to be jealous.

"You okay?" Louis whispered.

I nodded against his shoulder, but it was far from the truth.

"Seat belts on please," a voice said over the intercom.


"Okay," said Louis looking around the cabin, "I spy with my little eye something beginning with... T."

I chuckled, "T shirt?" I asked. Louis shook his head, grinning. "Uhmm TV?" 

Louis shook his head again, just as my stomach rumbled painfully loud, he raised his eyebrows, "jesus, you must be starving! You want some peanuts or something?"

"No, no I'm fine really," I assured him.

Louis shook his head, "nope, you need food." He stuck his hand in the air, "excuse me, could we have some peanuts over here please?" The flight attendant nodded and proceeded to rummage through a couple of drawers.

"Lou, I'm not hungry!" I said crossing my arms in front of my chest.

He raised his eyebrows, "Zo, you haven't eaten all day. They're just salted peanuts..."

I sighed, "fine, whatever..."

Louis chuckled and thanked the flight attendant who gave him the small silver packet and handed it to me. I took a deep breath and tore it open carefully, god they smelled good. I looked up to make sure Louis was paying attention, he was watching me carefully. I stopped myself from rolling my eyes and turned my attention back to the peanuts sitting innocently in the silver wrapper. Just eat it. Just eat it. It's no big deal. I picked one up, it was light in my fingers, it was a bit crazy how scared of it I was. I lifted it to my lips quickly, not wanting to let Louis know that it was a big deal. I quickly shoved it in my mouth, it was salty and damn good. Before I knew it, I had swallowed it and my hand was reaching for another one in the packet. Before I knew it I had a small handfull stuffed in my mouth.

Louis laughed, "told you you were hungry!"

I stared at him wide eyed for a moment, "I need to go to the bathroom..." I mumbled, hastily climbing past Louis' seat, I walked quickly down the aisle to the small toilet cubicle. I slammed the door behind me and locked it. I took a couple of deep breaths before turning to the mirror and bracing myself against the small plastic sink and stared at my reflection in the mirror. Just a wide eyed girl standing on the edge of crazy. I was barely even recognisable to myself anymore, it scared me a little that the girl in the mirror didn't seem like me.

"All your dreams will come true, darling." my mum had whispered in the middle of the night a long time ago. She had failed to mention though, that nightmares happen to be dreams too.

I glanced at the toilet to my left. I'd never purged before. I didn't think I really needed the label "bulimic"  added on top of everything else, but mostly I just thought throwing up was a little gross. Now though, it was surprisingly tempting--especially as I thought of the salted peanuts making their way to my already disgustingly fat cheeks and thighs and butt, even my fucking fingers! I distracted myself instead and pushed up my sleeves to wash my hands, catching sight of the white gauze on my wrists in the process. How the hell had I ended up so fucking screwed up?

Someone knocked on the door, "Zo? You almost done?"a distinctly irish accent asked.

"Yep," I replied, pulling down the sleeves to my sweater and plastering a fake smile on my face.




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