Forever Young

They're best friends, always have been. But she has secrets that she hides underneath long sleeved sweaters. She has secrets that she hides behind back handed comments and the six strings of her guitar. She has secrets that she hides from her best friend.

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4. Ice Cream

"You sure you don't want to come?" Niall asked like clockwork, after Zayn had checked his watch and realised that they were already late to soundcheck.

I nodded, "I'm sure," I said, my usual answer. I didn't really like seeing the fans, most of them of course were lovely. They knew me as Niall's best friend and I guess they knew that, that wasn't really going to change. But every now and then one brave girl would yell something out that would knock me off my tiny pedestal of self esteem. The boys didn't often hear it when the girls said things like that, in a way I was sort of glad. I didn't want them to have to worry about it. After all they were my problems and the girls were only speaking the truth. 

Niall gave me a worried look, "well, are you gonna be okay here alone?" he had no idea.

I nodded and smiled widely, "go, Paul's gonna yell at you if you're not there in the next fifteen seconds. Good luck, you'll be amazing as always."

Niall smiled, "okay, fine. See you tonight," he smiled and lent forward so that he could softly kiss my cheek. "Ciao bella," he winked and turned to run after the boys. I shut the door behind him an slumped against it. I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders as I sighed and let my fake smile drop. I took a moment to soak up the deliciousness of not having to pretend and then slowly made my way over to my laptop, I almost felt like I was in a dream. There was an epic battle going on inside my mind of whether I should or should not log onto twitter click on mentions and have all my darkest insecurities validated. The fight was useless, I already knew what part of me would win. It was sick really, the way I craved being told that I fell short of people's expectations again. I frowned slightly as I quickly tapped in my username and password, my hands shaking slightly.

And there they were, nestled in among the nice comments, almost overlookable. But not quite.

@ZoeMoore bitch you dont deserve to be friends with niall.

@ZoeMoore your fat. FAT. FAT.

@ZoeMoore your worthless and ugly just go kill yourself and get it over with.

My vision blurred, but the image was there, permanently branded in my mind. The part that killed me was that it wasn't like I could argue with them. They were right, so damned right. I spread my hand out over my stomach. I could feel my ribs under my thumb, but that wasn't enough. I needed to see them. The same way I saw the saw the silvery white scars on my wrist, the same way I could see my too full lips, the same way I wanted to see my cheek bones and my collar bones. The same way I wanted Niall to see me. As something beautiful.

 

The small blade was out of focus, a single drop of blood dripped off the end of the cool metal on to the lino of the tour bus bathroom floor. I smiled slightly, catching sight of my wrist, it was kind of pretty really the way the scarlet red contrasted with my pale skin. It was a sort of magical misery. 

My mind clouded over again, I felt faint and fuzzy and warm and relaxed

I slipped my hand in Niall's and gave him a determined look, "we do this together," I said taking a deliberate step forward.

Niall shot me a nervous look, but nodded, his lips pressed tightly together. He squeezed my hand lightly and we walked into the school yard for the first day.

And it was always like that. We did it together. When my parents yelled and I would sneak in through Niall's bedroom window and sleep with him in his bed, with his arms holding tight to my shaking body. Even when Niall went to an all boys school when we were thirteen. He'd still jump over the fence that separated our houses and watch TV with me, or do homework or eat ice cream or just laugh. He would always listen when I needed to talk about the girls I went to school with who threw words at me that hit me like rocks.

He left though, he went to the X Factor auditions and of course he did amazing and things took off for him. His fame skyrocketed and he literally had the world at his feet. While I was falling apart, just taking one day at a time.

When Niall finally came back to Mullingar. Just like he had always done, he saved me. He pulled me into his big black shiny car and whisked me away to meet the boys. And then eventually to live with them. But the broken girl fell in love with the prince she could never have.

 

 

 

 

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