he's gone

Imagine waking up everyday and realising that he was gone or that she isn't here anymore. You miss the one that was always by your side. The one you have lost. Maybe you'll find your missing piece but what will happen if you never see him / her again?

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21. "i want u."

While I timidly opened my eyes the next morning, I could hear the rain knocking lightly againt the patio door. I sat up and then paused for a moment. My gaze wandered outside, the sky was dark, with many big grey clouds on it and the rain fell down so fast, that you couldn't even focus on one single raindrop.

 

Yesterday, the sun had shone and now everything was wet and dark. It was strange how quickly things could change.

 

I put my feet on the floor next to the couch and put my head lightly in my hands. With a sigh I exhaled and then put my hands to my temples.

 

I felt tired and heavy. For me it was already clear, that this day wouldn't be an easy day. Yeah, of course. Zayn and I had talked things out, but Harry ... I didn't even know what I actually should worry about, because I wasn't sure what all this meant. I mean, was he in love with me or not?

 

Again I sighed and shook my head, slightly.

 

It felt like I was split in two parts.
One part wanted nothing more than everything to be true. It loved the idea of Harry being in love with me. And it wanted to return to yesterday and kiss Harry on his damn handsome lips. This part just wanted to be loved and now that it seemed like Harry was the one who could do this, it was sure that I should fall in love with him too. This part wanted Harry. His lips, his hugs. It wanted his closeness more than everything else.

 

But then there was this other part that always told me, Harry is one of Zayn's best friends. You can't just go and fall in love with Harry, because that isn't right. It's not okay and it's not what you want. And besides, you love Zayn. Zayn is everything you ever wanted. 
This part didn't want Harry, this part wanted Zayn. And only Zayn. It always had.

 

Once again, I sighed and shook my head slightly. Why was everything so complicated? I wanted it to be easy. No big decision. But of course I knew, that it wasn't easy. It never was and never will be. That was what life was like. It was complicated and full of decisions. And I hated this fact. God, how I hated it.

 

However, before I could still think another thought, I heard a noise from the kitchen and winced slightly. I looked toward the kitchen door, which formed a connection from the kitchen to the living room and finally decided to go and find out what was going on.

 

With my bare feet, I stumbled toward the door and pushed it softly open. I pushed my head into the room and immediately my eyes fell on Harry, who was standing with his back to me and stirred something. Then he bent down and opened every single cabinet door.

 

He was looking for something and I would really like to help him, but I didn't know if I wanted him to turn around and see me. See that I was here. An also I wasn't sure if I was able to look into his eyes and ... I don't know. I frowned slightly, then shook my head. I felt so stupid. I mean, this whole situation was so stupid.

 

I only knew Harry since two days, so I shouldn't freak out so much. How should I know, that he was in love with me? I didn't even know how he was acting, when he was in love. I know nothing about him, so it shouldn't be so damn hard to talk to him.

 

I sighed slightly and took a step into the kitchen, so that the door slammed shut behind me, and Harry turned around to face me.

 

"Looking for something?", I asked, looking at him. He bit his lower lip slightly as his eyes caught sight of me and then ran one hand through his curly hair. A small smile played around his mouth and he nodded timidly. Almost a little shy.

 

"And what?", I prodded quietly and took another step towards him. Now he shoved his hands in his pockets and tilted his head slightly askew. His eyes were focused on me and I tried to withstand his gaze.

 

"A pan." He said quietly and blinked. His voice was rough and neutral. It contained no emotions. It was neither curious nor disappointed or invitingly. It was just ... like Harry's voice sounded like and that fascinated me somehow. After all, how could his voice sound so incredibly calm, though his eyes almost devoured me?

 

I walked up to him and then stopped right in front of him. Slightly, I stood on my tiptoes and opened one of the upper cabinet doors. With my left hand I pulled a pan out of the cabinet and then held it for a moment, to close the cabinet door with my second hand. I held the pan out, but he didn't take it. Instead, he just stared at me without making a move and only then I was really aware that there were only a few centimeters between our two bodies. I put the pan on the stove next to him and he reached out his hand to touch my cheek carefully.

 

My skin tingled slightly under his touch and I couldn't move. I just stood there and looked into his handsome green eyes as he lightly ran his thumb over his cheek. It felt incredible wonderful and it was just such adamn overwhelming feeling.

 

"Harry.", I whispered softly and he just looked at me. Somehow I could see a little suffer in his eyes and when he put his head a little askew, I couldn't tell why, but it almost seemed like he was about to cry.

 

"I need to talk to you." He said, and now you could hear the slight suffering undertone in his voice. His hand was still on my cheek and his eyes held me trapped. I wanted to say no or move backward, but I couldn't do anything. Somehow I was trapped. "About yesterday." He added, breaking the spell in which I was trapped.

 

I put my hand lightly over his and pulled it away from my cheek.

 

"I can't, Harry.", I said and bit my lower lip, a little unsteady. "That what yesterday happened or not happened. I can't do that." I let go of his hand, but stayed in front of him, because I havn't yet refused my legs to move.

 

He slightly put his forehead wrinkled and looked at me, with exactly the same look on his face. "But we at least have to talk about it, Cassie."

 

"Do we really have to?", I asked him. He just looked at me confused and I added, "I mean talk. Do we really have to? Can't we just act like nothing ever happened? I mean, nothing happened anyway, right?" My voice was so small and I was pretty sure that he could hear that no matter what I just said, it wasn't what I really felt.

 

"But I want to talk about it, Cassie. I want to talk to you. I want to hear what you think about it and especially about me, because I really need to know it, okay? I want to hear your voice. See your lips move. I just.." He said, pushing his eyebrows slightly together. "I just want you, Cassie." He added, and then sighed slightly, just as if he just reconginzed, that this was true.

 

"You don't know me, Harry," I said calm, but the only thing I could think about was: He wants me. God, he wants me. "You only know me since two days."

 

"So what? I know everything I need to know." He looked at me determined and I softly shook my head no and looked away for a moment. My heart contracted slightly and I had to bite my lower lip to not start crying.

 

"Then you also know that I love Zayn.", I said and looked at him again. He sighed and again he wanted to reach out his hand to touch me, but now I took a step backwards and he just reached into the void. "Zayn is one of your best friends, Harry." I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders. "And you can't steal your best friends girl."

 

He looked at me for a moment in surprise, then he shook his head. He opened his mouth. Wanted to say something, but no words came out. He closed his mouth again and I could see the disappointment in his eyes.

 

"So we just pretend like nothing happened?" He asked me doubtfully after a while. "Do you think, that you can do this? Because I see how you look at me. I see that you care about yesterday. And that you care about me." I bit my lower lip slightly, then nodded.

 

"Yes, we pretend like nothing happened.", I said, avoiding the last part of his sentence.

 

"Okay." He nodded resignedly and then turned around. For a moment, he just stood there, but then he turned on the stove and gave some of the batter into the pan.

 

He didn't turn around again, or said anything and when the boys slowly walked into the kitchen, he was his old self again, as if nothing happened. And even if that was exactly what I wanted, it felt incredibly wrong.

 

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After we finished breakfast, we went over to the living room and squeezed all onto the sofa where I had slept just a few hours ago. I sat between Niall and Zayn, with my gaze wandering again and again in Harry's direction, but he totally ignored me. Somehow it made me angry that I wanted him to look at me, finally I was the one who wanted him to not care that much about me and to act like nothing had happened between us and now he did exactly what I wanted and still I wasn't satisfied.

 

I sighed and shook my head slightly. I just wanted to sit here and not think so incredibly much.

 

I looked at Zayn, who was sitting next to me and had started playing with my fingers. I smiled slightly and put my hand lightly on his leg, so that he had to stop playing with my fingers. But before I could pull my hand back, he put his hand on mine and looked at me. He seemed a little uncertain but at the same moment totally determined.

 

Somehow this whole situation felt wrong. I mean, his touch gave me nothing. His cold hand just lay on top of mine and I felt nothing. Sure, I was used to this whole touching thing in the past, but right now it seemed so uncredibly wrong and I just wanted him to take his hand away. But if I would say that he should put his hands back, he would certainly want to have a reason why he should do that and I really couldn't say why.

 

But when I looked up and saw Harry's eyes, which were aimed towards our hands and then slowly made their way up to my face, I wanted to stand up and tell everyone the truth.

 

Because the truth was, I loved Zayn, more than everything, but whenever I looked at him I felt nothing but pain. And when I looked at Harry, I was just .. happy. I wasn't in love with him, but I felt so comfortable with him.

 

So, in short: I had no idea where I stood currently and what I wanted, but I knew that Zayn and I will never ever get back together.

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A/N: ah, so the end of this chapter is kind of shitty, but I wanted the chapter to end like that and yeah, that sounds weird. C;
sorry for the mistakes, gosh, my english is so bad at the moment, haha.
do u like it? (: please comment and tell me about your thoughts. :3

a little explanation: i know so many of your are in #teamzayn and that some of you are shocked by the ending of this chapter. but you have to understand it: she's hurt. she's so damn hurt and at the moment she just thinks about zayn as the enemy, okay? maybe she'll change her mind. just wait and see what happens in the next chapters, okay? (:

love u all! (:

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