he's gone

Imagine waking up everyday and realising that he was gone or that she isn't here anymore. You miss the one that was always by your side. The one you have lost. Maybe you'll find your missing piece but what will happen if you never see him / her again?

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24. i can't.

 

 

Harry

 

The minutes passed by and I stayed there. Sitting and waiting for her to arrive. I tried to fathom the words I could say to her, but I couldn’t really imagine it. I mean what was it I wanted to talk about. Us? Is there even an us?

 

I sighed and put my head back in my hands again. Why was everything so damn complicated? I came here to help Zayn and now? Now I’m sitting here. Alone in the middle of no where. I don’t know where to go, because I don’t live in this shitty part of England. Ugh. Again I sighed. It’s not shitty here, it’s just … I don’t wanna be here anymore. It’s not my hometown. It’s not where I really want to be right now, because staying here is no good. Cause I already knew that someone will get hurt in the end. The only question was: who or what?

 

“Harry?”

 

I looked up and my eyes met Cassie’s. Immediately I forgot all my worries and I kind of lost myself in her eyes.

 

I could see a little bit fear in her eyes and confusion. Oh yes, a lot of confusion. Her hair was a bit messy and she bit her lower lip. I wanted to reach my hands out for her. Hug her and hold her tight, but I knew that this wasn’t the right thing to do. We needed to talk about everything and sort things out.

 

She sat down next to me and our legs touched. I looked at them and then again in her eyes. There was still all this confusion but now there was also something else. Worry?

 

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

 

I asked her and frowned a little. I mean I was the one who ran away and maybe that was the reason, but she really shouldn’t worry about me. She shouldn’t look at me like this, because all this gives me hope and I know that I shouldn’t be hoping that everything will be fine. That she will be mine.

 

“I’m worried about you.”

 

She said and took a deep breath, than she shook her head.

 

“Why did you run away, Harry? Everyone is worried about you. They say that you acted differently in the last days and that they feel like you’re hiding something from them.”

 

I contracted my eyebrows and looked at her in disbelief. So everyone knew that something was wrong but nobody felt the urge of asking what was going on? Well, thanks mates.

 

“Why did you want me to come? I mean, why me and not Louis. He’s your best friend.” She continued and than looked me in the eyes again. “Why me?”, she asked again and for me it kind of seemed like she already knew the answer of her question but she wanted me to say it out loud.

 

But we’ve already been at this point. Back then when we were standing in Zayn’s kitchen. And again for me it felt like she wanted me o say it, but when I really was about to tell her everything, she would cut me off. Maybe she just couldn’t take it. Who knew …

 

“I need to tell you something and I need you to listen to me, okay?” I said and bit my lower lip. She simply nodded and again I could see fear in her eyes and a little bit … what was it … hope? I didn’t know.

 

“So, you know I came here because of Zayn. I wanted to help him. Uhm, just help getting you two back together.” Again she nodded and frowned a little. “I walked in this park and I was totally focused on bringing you back to Zayn. That was all I could think about, all that mattered. Well, until I saw you.” I smiled a little and continued. “Maybe you remember that I told you that I immediately recognized you.” Again she nodded.

 

“Yeah, because of the photos Zayn showed you.” She said, but her voice was only a whisper.

 

“Well, of course he showed me a few photos, but they were pretty old. You were much younger and it was kind of useless, but even through I recognized you.”

 

“How?” She asked and looked me in the eyes. She bit her lower lip and I could tell that she absolutely knew what I was going to say. But I couldn’t tell if she still wanted me to say it, but I really didn’t care. This time I would say it. I needed to.

 

“Zayn always said that you’re the most beautiful girl in the world and I always was like ‘sure, dude. Everyone says that about his girl.’, but well … when I saw you the first thing I thought was: ‘oh, gosh. Now I got it.’ Okay, that sounds stupid and all that but in that moment I knew it had to be you. I can’t even explain why. I just knew it. There was no chance that you could be anyone else.” I sighed and shrugged my shoulders. I was still looking at her, because I just wasn’t able to take my eyes off of her.

 

“But that wasn’t the only thing I thought.”

 

She started rubbing her fingers and the fear in her eyes grew. “What else?” she uttered still whispering and in that moment she looked so fragile. I really wanted to touch her, tell her that there was nothing she had to be afraid of. Because there was nothing. Really. She just needed to listen and I would never hurt her. Never.

 

“That you’re more than just beautiful and that I wanted to get to know you. I needed to talk to you. Not because of Zayn, but because of me. That was the only thing I wanted in that moment. Just sit down beside you and hear your voice. Making sure that your voice is just as beautiful as you are.” Again I sighed and bit my lower lip. I really hoped that she would understand what I was going to say, because I wasn’t that sure if I was strong enough to utter the words, but I would try. Because of her.

 

“What exactly are you trying to tell me?” She put her forehead in wrinkles and looked at me. She looked so damn young with all her messy hair, this expectation in her eyes and her fragile voice. I was so afraid that I could hurt her with every word, that would follow but I needed to tell her.

 

“Cassie, you’re wonderful. You’re not just a natural beauty. Your personality is so fantastic. You’re one of the most impressive people I’ve ever met and in the last months I’ve met a lot of people, so this really means something.” I moved one hand through my curls and she slowly nodded.

 

She knew exactly what I wanted. She knew it so damn well. I could see it in her eyes but she would never admit it. She wanted to hear it and make sure that she was right and I would say it, because now I recognized that it wasn’t that part that I was afraid of. It was her answer that I wasn’t that sure about if I could take it.

 

“And?” She simply asked and now you could see a little hope in her beautiful brown eyes. Fear, hope and expectation. I sighed and nodded slowly. Okay, Harry. Let’s go.

 

“I never felt something like this for anyone and I never believed in love at first sight, but when I saw you I knew that I couldn’t spend another day without seeing you.” Again I sighed. Too much? “What I’m trying  to say with all this stupid words is that I really like you. No, no, I don’t just like you. I’m so damn in love with you that it hurts like hell when I see you talking to Zayn. I fell for you in the moment I saw you and the only thing I want is to be with you.” I ended my monologue and looked at her. Now I was the one with all the expectation in my eyes.

 

And she just sighed a little bit relieved and shook her head no.

 

“This isn’t possible.”

 

“Well, it is, Cassie.” I said and she contracted her eyebrows.

 

“You know what I mean. We can’t do this, Harry. We just can’t. This isn’t okay. You said that you came here because of Zayn. And do you really want to get him hurt? Is that what you really want, Harry?” She said and tried to make her voice sound strong and confident, but her voice was shaking and she pretty much failed.

 

“This isn’t about Zayn, Cassie. This time it’s just about you and me. About us!” I raised my voice a little but when I saw how she winced I tried to calm myself down again.

 

“Well, there is no us! Harry, there never will be something between us, that you can call ‘us’. Okay? I’m not going to hurt Zayn. I’m not going to rip his heart out of his chest and kick it from corner to corner. I’m not going to hurt him, because I know how it feels, when the one you love hurts you so bad that you don’t know what to do. I know how it feels.”

 

“Exactly! And he was the one who put you through hell, Cassie. It was his fault. Why are you protecting him? He isn’t this nice guy you fell for anymore! Stop protecting him!” this time I really didn’t care about how loud I was talking, because this whole situation made me freak out. That wasn’t how I wanted the situation to be. Not even a bit.

 

“I’m not protecting him. I’m not saying that everything he did is for good, but I don’t want him to get hurt exactly because he put me through hell. I don’t want anyone to get hurt. Anyone! Okay?” Now she also raised her voice, but I just shook my head and stood up. I really couldn’t stand sitting right beside her anymore.

 

“You don’t want anyone to get hurt?” I asked her and she nodded, but I just shook my head no and pointed at her and then at me. “Well, you’re hurting me, Cassie. With every word you just said you hurt me.” I took a deep breath and continued. “You’re saying that you don’t want anyone to get hurt, but the only one you really want to protect is Zayn and for me it feels like it always will be him.”

 

Now she was the one who shook her head no and she also stood up.

 

“I just can’t do this. You need to understand that. You need to find anyone else to give you what you need. You need to get over this and be happy with someone who really wants this. Who’s able to appreciate your love. Who deserves your love, because I’m not the one you really want. I can’t do this. I just can’t, Harry.” She said and she almost looked like she would start crying.

 

“Oh, is it really that you can’t do it or do you just don’t want to be with me, Cassie?”

 

She shook her head in desperation and took a step in my direction, but I moved backward and again she shook her head. She looked hurt, what made my anger grew. She was hurting me and now she was the one who looked wrecked. Seriously?

 

“Just find someone else, Harry.” She whispered while nodding and I could see the tears in her eyes, as she turned around and made her way out of the park. And she kept walking without turning around and now I was the one who was wrecked. I was a wreck and the tears burned in my eyes.

 

This was all her fault. Why did I tell her? I shook my head. Why is everything I do wrong? Why am I always the idiot in the end? Huh? I'm not the one who made the wrong decisions. It's her fault. Their fault. Whoevers fault, but they just can't blame everthing on me. That's not fair.

 

I inhaled and exhaled. Then I took my phone out of my pocket.

 

Through all these emotions which were roaming in my heart, anger was the biggest. Even through I was in love with her, I wanted to let her see, that I was able to move on, because I knew exactly that she had feelings for me too. I wanted to let her see, what she was missing.

 

I dialed and pressed the phone against my ear.

 

“Oh, Harry. I’ve waited all night for your call and for my second chance.” She said and I could hear her giggle at her own words. God, she was so stupid.

 

“Well, here it is. Your second chance.” I said and tried to sound enthusiastic, but I pretty much failed, but fortunately she was too stupid to hear the pain and anger in my voice.

 

“Are you serious?” she asked in disbelief.

 

“Yes I am, love. You just need to get on a plane and fly straight to Bradford.”

 

“Uhm, I can’t. Not today. I have to do some interviews, but next week I’m free. Is that okay?”

 

I sighed a little, but shrugged my shoulders. It really didn’t matter, when she would arrive. She just needed to be here, so Cassie would see us together and go crazy.

 

“Yeah, yeah. Just dress hot and be here by Monday, love.” Again I could hear her annoying giggles and I rolled my eyes. God, I couldn’t even believe that I really was talking to her again. She was so desperate and annoying. It took me a whole month to finally get rid off her and now I was about to get things started again. It kind of seemed like I was the desperate one right now.

 

“I dress like whatever you want me to, Prince Charming. Oh damn it, I can’t even wait to see you, Harry. I’ve missed you so bad. You and your dirty mouth.” Again I rolled my eyes and she just giggled

 

“Uhm, yeah. Well, see you on Monday, Taylor. Bye.”

 

And before she was able to utter more stupid things, I hung up.

 

Oh, Harry. Oh, Harry, Harry, Harry. You’re such an idiot.

_______________________________________________

 

Just to clear things up: I don’t hate Taylor. (:

And: sorry, that I didn’t update for such a long time. I’ve spend the last 2 weeks in Berlin and I hadn’t the time to write a new chapter. But I hope you enjoy this one.

Love you with all my heart! ;**

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