my diary

ok so i decided to make a diary to let out my feelings and throughts so yeah

welcome to my diary


1. day 1

Dear Diary,

Have you ever had a friend that tries to make you jealous all the time and tries to compete with everything that you do. I do she's called cracker (thats her nickname because I don't think its right to use her real name). Cracker is always trying to make me jealous with things that she has . e.g like when we go out together we always have to call on her friend who is a  boy and we always end up going in his house , which I don't mind but there is only three of us in his bedroom and they play fight a lot and I am just sitting there like the third wheel but i guess i am used to now but i just wish that we could switch places and she knows how it feels to be let out all the time. It also happens at school with the boys . she get a lot of hugs from boys but thank god for my friend who is a boy who makes me happy when he hugs me. anyway back to the park , when we are at the park my some of our friends who sometimes are boys she get a lot of attention from the boys and i don't know sometimes i just wish that was me with the thin body , with the conference and with the looks that makes all the boys wanted you . sometimes i just sit there thinking i wonder what it would feel like to be her right now getting all the attention from them but then i remember i don't want to be anything like my best friend . I don't want to be talked about in a negative way, to have done things to people , to have exposed myself to people over face time ( its like a chat thing where you can see each others faces). I just wish that someone would like me for who i am and get past all of my mistakes that i have made and would be faithful to me but i guess i  am not pretty enough for people at me school . I am just considered as a freak  or being quiet. i have alot of issues with myself. I am quite shy and i have a lot of trust issues, i hate my body and my face but i guess thats normal for some teens but the thing is i never used to be quiet and i never used to have trust issues . i guess that my heart has been broken so many times that it just could not take any more lies from people and  just built a massive guard around me heart. so people can't hurt me any more than i already am. so that people see my fake smiles and me putting my day to day mask on because the truth is i am sick of crying all the time , i am tried of all the tears that i am let out . i just bottle things up now and keep them to myself . The reason i bottle things up is because its my way of trying to forget things but in the end it just get too much and i just let all of the hate out . If anyone has a old brother or sister they will know how it feel when your parents compare you to your brother/ sister . the heartbreaking part is when you just a had test and you have tried your hardest and you tell your mum and she's says that you could of tried harder and that she's disapointed in you and why couldn't you be like your brother . thats how i feel everytime my brother comes home from sixith form 

i am going to go and watch tv now so i will write tomorrow 

Becky :) 

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