50th Anniversary James Bond parody script

Just a james bond parody script that hopefully will be animated in the near future. I wrote this in 3 hours.

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1. Project Stay Calm

 

FADE IN:

 

INT. MI6 BRIEFING ROOM - NIGHT

 

On the main screen is the picture of a giant robot hammer with little legs looming over London, helicopters circle around it with its lights poised on the hammer as the city screams. M, Sean Connery’s bond & Q watch the screen.

M

What are we looking at Q?

 

Q

A bloody Huge Automated Monstrous

Metal Exterminating Robot --

A Hammer for short.

 

BOND

Don’t worry I’ll put the final nail in Maccabee Sledge’s coffin --

Q, for this latest ludicrous plot I’ll need my Austin Martin DB5,

plane tickets to a remote hidden paradise that has a casino ran by martini

while being accompanied by at least two plot device exotic women

& finally books about Sexual innuendos & one liners - Job done.    

 

Bond begins to walk off to start his mission.

 

M

That won’t be necessary 007.

 

BOND

But M there is no time to loose

the destruction of Swindon town

needs to be avenged for Queen & country.

 

M

Allow me to make my self clear 007

that in all your fifty years of service,

you’re becoming stale.

 

BOND

I do not understand, is this about my

refusal to create a twitter account again?

 

M

Like all our missions 007 we will have to solely rely

on the latest product placements & sponsors

to fund our counter attack.  You’re just too old,

we need to keep up with the times,

I think you should consider retirement.

 

BOND

You’ve got to be joking.

 

M

Q if you will I wish to brief the

replacement, bring in agent 1337.

 

The door opens & a 14 year old teenager walks in listening to his ipod without a care on his iphone playing a game wearing the latest fashion whatever that is.

 

1337 

Sup.

 

BOND

You’re replacing me with a child!?!

 

On the screen a schematic of MI6’s Hammer is displayed along with all of it’s advertisements & product placement accessories.

 

M

Not just any child.

 

BOND

How is he more qualified than me?

I've been in space!

 

Q

Our research shows that today’s youth’s

has the best Hand eye coordination along

with common unbiased knowledge that

he is a horny rage demon,

the perfect weapon to pilot our Robot--

 

BOND

PILOT!?!

 

Q

Didn’t you know that all robot pilots

have to be 14 years of age -- It is the law.

 

M

007 please calm down agent 1337 is the best

whack-a-moler in history & ranked top 3rd

at “Shoot Ze Nazi’s” Video game,

without him Project MECH would be nothing.

 

BOND

What’s project MECH?

 

M

The Mechanised Emergency Counter Hammer--

You didn’t need to know & you still don’t.

 

BOND

What, you new about the Hammer all along --

B-but what about Swindon town,

it could’ve been saved!?!

 

They all look away from Bond & Q whistles.

 

M

Yesss, we allowed that one to happen.

 

BOND

This is complete Madness!

 

M

And we also lured the hammer to

London to create that much needed tourism.

 

BOND

I can’t believe this is happening you

are all monsters-- I need a Martini.

 

Bond starts to sweat as he rushes to the bar to find all the drinks being replaced with Heineken.

 

M

I hope you like your retirement present,

all the Heineken you can drink.

 

Bond smashes a bottle of Heineken puts the shard glass to his throat.

 

BOND

Stay back, I’ll do it!

 

M pours him a glass enticing him to have a taste.

 

M

It’s only retirement not the end

of the world, go on have a sip.

 

Bond slits his throat & hits the ground.

 

BOND

BLARG!!!

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

 

Bond wakes up in a fright panting.  MONEYPENNY is half asleep & is not amused.

 

MONEYPENNY

Again James, I know you’re still not over

your retirement but this is silly go back to sleep.

 

BOND

No, you’re right Moneypenny

it was only a dream.

 

He goes back to sleep.

 

MONEYPENNY

And in the morning you

can finish making that shed.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. GARDEN - NIGHT

 

From the window Bond stares at a crappy built shed with a Hammer almost looking back at him giving him the chills.

 

FADE TO BLACK:

 

Happy birthday & let’s hope you never retire, here's for another great 50 years on the big screen.

 

THE END

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