99 Days Without You

Louis journal after Harry commits suicide

credit to original author

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14. Harry's Note

Dear Lou,
At first I was going to write something short and quick, getting straight to the point, you know? Well, that plan basically failed, because there are so many things I want to tell you. There are so many things that I have left unsaid and this is my last chance to say them. I realize that by the time you get this you probably will have already found me, and you’re probably sitting alone in the flat at this moment.
I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.
I don’t want to leave you, I really don’t. How does one just get up and leave the person that they are completely in love with? Yes Louis, you read correctly. I love you, you idiot. I’ve loved you for so long and it has slowly been eating away at me, tearing me apart from the seams until now I am just an empty shell burning with a passion for somebody who is completely oblivious. It’s not your fault though. God Lou, don’t you ever blame yourself. You were the reason I stayed for so long. You gave me hope for a brighter future, but a glimmer of hope can only last so long before it completely disappears, and soon enough I was left in the darkness.
I don’t want to say my goodbyes yet, though I bet you’ve already bid your farewell to me. I’m not ready to end this note. You need to know how much I love you.
Do you know what I love about you the most Louis? Well, I absolutely love your laugh. I think that’s what I may miss the most in this path I’m heading. I won’t be able to hear your ringing voice anymore, or see the light twinkle inside your eyes as you burst into laughter. I’m not sure I’ll be able to see or hear anything.
I need you to promise me one thing, okay? I want you to promise me to never stop singing, and never leave the boys. They’re going to need you, and you’re going to need them. I know it’ll be hard to go on as a band, but I know you can do it. You’re strong enough Lou, you’ve always been strong to me. I feel completely selfish, leaving you lot, and I sincerely apologize for the pain I will—or have already caused you.
Tell the boys I love them too, alright?
Anyways, back to business.
Another thing I love about you is your ability to turn any situation into a positive one. It could be the dreariest day on Earth, and I would still be able to see your smile glimmering against the gray atmosphere of the outside world. God I love your smile, please keep smiling?
I remember one time in Italy, we were at a restaurant and there was this short little blond lady—I bet you’re thinking of the memory right now, aren’t you? She walked up to our table with the worst scowl on her face, looking absolutely pissed off that she had to serve us five loud, obnoxious boys. When she arrived at the table, you turned to look at her with your winning smile, and it was almost as if her frown melted right off. You have that much of an effect on people, Lou. I’ve always loved how much of a people person you are.
I sure know that whenever I was ever feeling down, you were the first person I went to. You always knew how to make everything better, and I would leave you with the brightest grin on my face. You wouldn’t leave me be until I was truthfully happy again. That’s another thing I love: your persistence.
I’m going to miss everything about you, you know. The slight stubble on the tip of your chin when you go a couple days without shaving, the way your hair splays in various directions in the morning—giving you awful bedhead. But I love it nonetheless, because it’s a part of you, and every part of you deserves to be loved.
I miss the old days, where you and I would just muck around in the flat, watching movies or simply cuddling on the couch, talking about everything and nothing. You’re my best friend, you know that right?
This note is completely all over the place, and I’m sorry. My brain is just isn’t functioning right now, probably because of how completely frightened I am. I’m so scared Lou, and I just wish I could run to you right now, telling you everything. I wish I could run to you and you would tell me the words I ache to hear come from your mouth. I want you to tell me to not do this, and not leave you behind. But I can’t do that to you. I can’t put the burden on your shoulders. I know if you knew, you would do everything to keep me here, but I can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do.
I guess now I should probably tell you exactly why I’m leaving. It’s quite a difficult thing to describe I guess, the feeling of your heart slowly shattering inside your chest. It all started about a year ago, when you announced that you had asked Eleanor out, and the two of you were officially dating. At that moment, I swore there was a large cracking sound right where my heart was supposed to be, and I knew then that I loved you. I guess I had known it for a long time, but I just hadn’t been honest with myself. Eleanor helped me realize how much I really love you, so I guess I should thank her for that. But then again, she is part of the reason why I’m leaving. I like her, but at the same time, I absolutely despise her.
Do you know what it’s like to sit back and watch the person you love, loving somebody else? It’s absolute hell, I’ll tell you that. It’s torture. Every time she comes around, I feel as though I’ve been kicked in the chest a million times repeatedly, and my head throbs erratically. It’s not that I don’t like her, she’s a lovely girl Lou, and I’m glad you have somebody like her to love. Maybe it’s simply my jealousy speaking, but I feel as though I could treat you better. I’ve always been here for you, through the bad and good and everything in between, I was there.
I guess what I’m trying to say is—she doesn’t love you as much as you think she does, and it hurts to see. I see the way you look at her, and it’s not hard to tell that you’re completely in love. But with her, it’s just… not there. She loves you; don’t get me wrong, but not as strongly as you’d like her to.
As for me, my love for you is so strong, it’s slowly killing me inside.
God, this sounds conceited or selfish in a way… doesn’t it? That’s the last thing I wanted, really. I’m happy for you. Truly. She’s just not right for you, and maybe one day you’ll realize that maybe you loved me too. But I just can’t stay here any longer and watch you love her, while I’m slowly pushed into the shadows.
What other reasons are there, you ask? Well, to be honest I’m just through with living. I’ve never been the happiest lad, and it’s sort of just a condition I’ve grown up with. Honestly, I’m surprised I lasted this long living. You were the sun in my life, brightening up my world with just your existence. I guess that’s why I stayed as long as I did. Well, that and the band.
Did I already tell you to tell the boys how much I love them?
Make sure to tell Niall to keep his head held high… you know how he can get sometimes. If other people are feeling down, it immediately rubs off on him, so try and smile for him, for me? Also, tell him to just keep being Niall. I love that boy; he’s the most carefree guy I’ve ever met. Oh, and let him know how much I’ll miss his laugh, and how you could hear him coming before you could even see him. Tell him to keep being Irish too, though I doubt that’s possible to change… just though I’d lighten the mood a bit.
As for Zayn, tell him to take care of himself. He gets pretty reckless when he’s upset or anything, so take care of him, okay? Take the booze away; just take anything away that he would be able to hurt himself with. Maybe threaten taking his mirror away, I don’t know. Tell him I love him, and that he’s always been like a brother to me. All of the boys have.
Finally, Liam. He’s got his head on pretty tight, so I know he won’t lose himself too much. I hope none of you ever lose yourselves, but I know he’ll be able to hang on and round you all up if it becomes too hectic. I’ve always admired that about him, his ability to remain steady through the rocky times.
Just tell them I love them, alright?
And then there’s you. Louis William Tomlinson. The name just sends shivers down my spine, along with the image of you that’s burning in my mind at this moment. It hurts to know that out of everyone, you’ll probably take this the hardest. I hate the fact that I’m the one that’s hurting you. Though I will be gone soon, just know that I will never leave you. Okay Lou? I will NEVER leave you. I made that promise a long time ago and I will stick to that promise forever. I may not be here physically for you, but I’ll always be with you in your heart.
Whenever you need me, I’ll be there with you. And I’ll be waiting for you in my next life, for the day that you finally join me—which I hope is a long time from now. You deserve a long, happy life. Though I’ll miss you, I don’t want you to leave until you’ve lived your life completely. I’ll still be here when you decide it’s your time… but as for me, my time’s up.
You’re probably on the verge of waking up now, which gives me limited time to get things done. I’m sitting on the cold bathroom floor right now, shivering in just my boxers as I write this note. I’m sorry for the tears stains, I never meant for there to be any evidence of my cries. The bottle of pills is in my hand.
I really don’t want to explain the process I’m about to go through, but I just want you to know that I’m not going painfully. I have a large bottle of painkillers, and I’m going to take the entire thing. It’s the most peaceful and least messy scenario my mind could think of, and I sure hope it’s enough.
I’m sure this note is pretty long by now… but there’s just one last thing I want you to do for me, though I’ve asked for so much already.
Please take care of my mother and Gemma. They’re going to need somebody there for them. I know you think of them as second family, so it shouldn’t be hard to keep in touch just because I’m gone, right?
Anyways, I just took the whole bottle. The pills slid down my throat easily, just as I thought they would. Shit, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have written that. I said I didn’t want you to know the process, but I guess it wouldn’t hurt to tell you.
I’m beginning to feel woozy, and my eyesight is getting fuzzy. It’s hard to stand up. I’m scared Louis. I know it was my decision, and it’s too late to turn back now, but I’m still so scared. My body’s beginning to go numb, and I find myself unable to write steadily for very long.
So I guess this is where I leave you. I’m placing this note in the bottom left drawer in the bathroom, though I guess you don’t need directions because that is where you’ll find it. I don’t know if that made sense, my mind is beginning to slow down.
I love you Boo Bear, I love you so fucking much. Don’t you ever forget that. Don’t you dare forget. I’ll be seeing you later okay?
-Harry

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