99 Days Without You

Louis journal after Harry commits suicide

credit to original author


13. Day 91- 99

Day Ninety-One:
I spent today at the park, sitting on the benches reading my journal while the girls played on the playground.
I’ve written a lot Harry, but it’s not enough. It’s never going to be enough.
After taking the girls out for ice cream, and spending a couple hours with mum outside by the fire we had started, I said my final goodbyes.
I held them so tightly in my arms, I swear they couldn’t breathe. I hugged them with all of the strength I had, letting them know how much I loved them. I kissed my mother on the cheek, telling her how much I loved her as well as the girls. I even hugged Mark as well. When he told me to come around again soon, I could feel the tears begin to start, and hastily made my way towards the car.
It was the last time I would ever be seeing them.

Day Ninety-Two:
I made peace with Eleanor today. I know how much you didn’t like her, and she’s part of the reason you left, but I just couldn’t bear to leave without making sure every bridge I had burned was built back again.
Day Ninety-Three:
I spent the day at the studio with the boys, singing my heart out into the microphone to the new songs for the album. I felt a bit bad, because when I left they would be forced to create new recordings once again.
I visited your grave once again, setting two roses at the foot of your headstone.

Day Ninety-Four:
Niall, Zayn, and Liam have insisted we try sight-seeing today. It’s crazy to think, that all this time I’ve lived in London, I’ve never seen half of the sights located within the city.
So today was spent with the boys again, hopping from tourist attraction to tourist attraction, taking various pictures with each other in front of the landmarks, as well as with some fans who happened to spot us.
I didn’t mind it this time really, because the last of my days were meant to be well spent.

Day Ninety-Five:
Where’d you go? You weren’t in my dreams last night, and you didn’t sing with me when I sang to your grave.
I’m starting to feel lonely again.

Day Ninety-Six:
I stopped by the store on the way home from the studio, making sure that none of the boys followed me in. I grabbed a large bottle of pills and bought them, without as much as a second glance from the cashier.
I’m going the same way as you did Harry, I owe you that much.

Day Ninety-Seven:
The urge to take the pills is there, but I’m not through living the last of my days yet. Today I called everyone I know, and told them how much I loved them. Most questioned it, but I assured them that it was just because I was feeling lovey. Of course, they believed me.
Today Niall, Liam, and Zayn came over. We sat around my laptop and watched X Factor videos, along with taped performances of all of us. We laughed and we cried. I looked around at the three of them, and began to convince them how much I loved them.
I don’t want to lose them, I really don’t. And I know, I know how hard it will be on them when I go. But I’m ready. I can’t stand to live anymore without you here.

Day Ninety-Eight:
I visited Twitter for the first time in ages, only to find my mentions flooded and the fans freaking out all over my timeline. They’re worried about me, and it’s hard to read all of the heartfelt messages they’ve left me, only to realize that by tomorrow I’ll be gone.
I send one last tweet, faking my happiness but meaning every word said:
Sorry I haven’t been on Twitter loves .. but I love you all, don’t ever forget that! Xx
Almost instantly my Twitter was being flooded with relieved mentions and replies to my post, asking where the hell I’ve been. But I only ignored them, and instead shut off my laptop, allowing myself to take a final good night’s sleep.

Day Ninety-Nine:
I visited your grave one last time. I left a couple more roses in apologies for my absence the last couple days, but that shouldn’t matter within a couple of hours. I sang one last song to you, your all time favorite song, and I could finally hear you singing along with me. Your voice sounded closer now, and I knew that it was time.
I’m going to take the entire bottle of pills, and lock myself in your bedroom. I’m going to wear all of your clothes, so I can inhale the dissipating smell of you as I take my final breaths.
Ninety-nine days without you has felt like an eternity, and it’s impossible to stay here any longer.
I have your journal and note in my trembling hands right now, and I’m nervous as fuck Harry, I hope you know that. I’m leaving these here with you, so they can be found easily once I’m gone. They were yours to begin with.
My heart is poured out into this journal, and my heart is yours.
I’ll be seeing you soon, I love you.
-Lou xx

Some say that love is the most powerful emotion a person can feel. It overtakes every fiber in your being, weaving its way through your soul and killing you from the inside out. It deteriorates your common sense, causing you to do stupid things all in the name of love.
That’s what they theorized.
When they found Louis’ cold, unmoving body covered in Harry’s duvet, wearing Harry’s old clothes, it was the only explanation at the time.
It had all been in the name of love.
When the paramedics arrived, it was too late, and he was gone. Niall, Liam, and Zayn had lost yet another friend. They stood there crying into one another over the loss of one of their best friend’s.
Louis stared down at them, a sad smile stretched across his lips as he witnessed his body being pulled off from the bed, and out away from the flat. He watched as the boys dropped to the floor, crying their hearts out. He couldn’t help but want to reach out and comfort them, but knew it wasn’t possible.
They began to blame themselves, saying that they hadn’t been there for him enough, which only led Louis to stare at them in frustration.
He was happy now, and he wanted them to be happy for him.
Louis felt a hand pull at his shoulder, and turned around to face a pair of green eyes—blinking, moving, everything. He smiled at the boy before him, who stood smiling widely back. Tears were brimming the two boys eyes as they turned back to face their best friends, whom they had hurt so badly in their fight for love.
“You ready?” Harry asked, turning Louis’ attention back on him. Louis only nodded, and Harry took ahold of his hand, leading him far away and into his new life.
“I love you.” Louis whispered, leaning over to peck Harry across the lips.
“I love you too.”
So the two walked off into the light, holding hands and singing softly along with the angels calling their names, and singing their perfect lullaby. Louis looked over to view Harry, the boy whom he had loved for so long and had caused so much pain in their previous life.
Now they had a new life, one they could spend together forever, singing with the angels.

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