99 Days Without You

Louis journal after Harry commits suicide

credit to original author

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4. Day 6-13

Day Six:
I showed the boys the note that day. Well, I didn’t exactly show them. I left it on the kitchen counter, and Zayn had come across it. He walked into the living room with tears streaming down his face, and began to shout at me.
He yelled at me for not telling them. He yelled at me for being selfish. And he blamed it all on me.
Niall and Liam tried to calm him down. But I didn’t blame him for being angry. I was angry at myself as well.

Day Seven:
A week without you in my life, feels like an eternity, and I spent the entire day watching old X Factor videos and interviews of us, pretending you were there with me, laughing along.
Day Eight-Twelve:
I decided to write these days into one big entry because well, not much happened in those days. Zayn still refused to speak to me, and I didn’t blame him. Niall and Liam tried their best to talk to me, but I had become distant. I spoke to no one, except for you of course. But you weren’t really there, and that began to worry them.

Day Thirteen:
I probably should have said in the last entry that by day nine we had finished arranging your funeral. Four days later and there I was, standing cloaked in black over a deep hole in the ground, where you would be forced to remain underneath for eternity.
It wasn’t open casket. We all knew how much you loathed other people seeing you when you weren’t decent. Everyone agreed that it was probably best, and to be honest, I didn’t want to look at your face knowing your eyes would no longer flutter open, and I would no longer be able to look into your green orbs.
I cried again that day. Heck, I cried every day since the day you left. But that day was much worse. When they were placing you inside the hole, I almost ran over to stop them, and it took Liam, Zayn, and Niall to hold me back. I had dropped to my knees crying my eyes out. I wasn’t able to stand strong at your funeral, and I am so sorry.
You must be disappointed in me. I know you’ve always thought of me as strong. But that’s only when I’m with you. Now that you’re gone, I don’t know what to do with myself.
It was a long service, and I embraced every single member of your family, apologizing and muttering incoherent words throughout all of my blubbering. Gemma and Anne held me the longest, and we sobbed into each other’s shoulders. I pulled away from Gemma, and stared at her a long while. I told her that the two of you looked a lot alike. She’s so beautiful Harry, and I promise to take care of her.
I promise to take care of your mother too. She had always been like a second mother to me anyways. When I hugged her, he whispered something in my ear that I will never forget, and I really hope she wasn’t lying to me.
“He loved you, you know.” She whispered, and pulled back with a small smile on her face. She walked away before I had a chance to reply, leaving me speechless, before I broke down sobbing again. Liam had to carry me out to the car, and I resisted. I didn’t want to leave you.

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