99 Days Without You

Louis journal after Harry commits suicide credit to original author

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7. Day 24-29

Day Twenty-Four:
Sarah asked me about the note today. I don’t know why she’s kept quiet for so long. When she asked I just couldn’t hold in the tears, but I reluctantly handed her the crumpled up piece of paper. Is it weird that I carry it around with me? It’s like a fire burning a hole in my pocket, reminding me of the pain everywhere I go, but I just can’t let it go. It’s one of the last remaining things I have of you.
Day Twenty-Five:
It’s been a while since I sang. But I sang today. We all did. It was our first day back at the studio, and let me just say that it sounds so different without your rocky voice mixed in with ours. We’ve had to change all of the songs. Niall and I have gotten most of your solos, but I just don’t feel right taking your parts.
I’ll never be able to sing them as well as you. Your voice was one in a million I swear. Whenever you sang the whole world just became a blur in my eyes, and all I could see was you. I’ve asked for a CD of all of our old recordings, but I know they won’t give it to me. Liam overheard me asking, so I know he told them not to.
But I still have YouTube available to me. Bless the internet. I’ve been listening to your voice all night, ranging from the X Factor performances up to our album. I’ll never get tired of hearing your voice, and it seems as though this is the only way I’ll be able to hear it anymore.

Day Twenty-Six:
I visited Cheshire today. I walked the streets for a long while, just inhaling the places you once walked into my senses, imagining that you were there with me, holding my hand.
After roaming the city, I reluctantly agreed with myself to visit your old home. When I arrived at the door, Anne welcomed me in with wide open arms, along with Gemma, who I struggled to pry off of me. I swear your sister has the upper body strength of a chimp.
We talked over tea, and I asked her how she was doing. They’re holding up the best they can Harry, but it’s hard for all of us. Don’t feel guilty though, they’ll pull through. It’s just me that I’m not so sure about. I’m the one who should be feeling guilty, and when I told her this, she refused to listen to me speak like that and that if I were going to put all of the blame on myself than I should leave.
I walked right out the door.
I don’t think she had expected me to leave, because I heard her calling my name through the front door, but I ignored her as I raced to my car.
I was crying so hard that I had to pull over on the highway, receiving blaring horns and cold stares as people passed by. But I didn’t see or hear any of it. All I could see was you. I could hear your voice talking to me, and that was enough to calm me down so I could drive the rest of the way home.

Day Twenty-Seven:
Today I spent the entire day in bed. I ignored every call and every text. Niall, Zayn, and Liam all came by at one point, pounding on my bedroom door telling me to open up and just talk to them. I began to feel guilty once again, putting them through so much pain. I just wish that the pain would stop.
Day Twenty-Eight:
When I emerged from my room this morning, I found Niall sleeping beside my doorway. He looked so tired and hopeless that I began to cry. I had done that to him. I had sucked the life from every single one of them. All because I was being selfish.
My crying then woke him up, and he gathered me into his arms. Niall gives great hugs, as you know, so I clutched onto him for a long time, not once hearing a complaint from him, or feeling him pull away. He cried along with me, and at that moment I felt closer to Niall than I ever had. I regret not giving him more attention before.

Day Twenty-Nine:
Tomorrow will be a whole month. An entire month since you’ve been gone and I find it hard to wrap my head around. It feels as though it was just yesterday you were full of life and laughing so hard you did that silly little clapping thing with your hands.
This is real, isn’t it?

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