Our freedom flew away

Cassandra 'Cassie' Lightwood and May Scott are two young girls, deeply in love. They only thing ruining their happiness is cancer. While May is facing ALL – Acute Lymphotic Leukemia, Cassandra fights against CC – Colorectal Cancer. Will their fight end right or will it all come to an end before their life is able to start?



3. This can't be the end


Cassandra Arizona Night point of view

A month passes. May's condition is getting worse, I can feel that I'm reaching my breaking point. I can't even go out on my own without thinking about her 24/7. No, if I leave the house, the first thing I do when I'm back is checking on May, seeing if she's still alive, but today I have no choice. I've had one chemo session since May's home, today's my second. Last time, she was with me, but now, I have to on my own because all she does is sleeping. Trudy offered to stay with me, but I told her I wanted to be alone for a while. I haven't been alone in two weeks. Either Chelsea was with me, or I was with May. Chelsea came by and promised to stand with us every step of the way, to help us out. May wanted to speak to her. Later on I heard that she asked to keep an eye on me after she passes away, so that the doctors can help me if I show signs of weakness, if I can't handle it. I can't see why, but she did, she promised her to do that.

The bus feels empty without May holding my hand, but it was my choice not to let anyone come with me. With my iPod plugged into my ear and a song of Nirvana blasting through my ear, I feel less sick. It makes me forget everything for a while. Not long enough to really forget everything, but long enough to reach the hospital. The wig on my head feels like it weighs a ton, but this too was my idea. If people didn't stare at me that hard, I would feel more comfortable with myself. Losing my hair wasn't good for my  self-confidence. It almost disappeared. With fake lashes, painted eyebrows and a wig, I felt more comfortable, at least for a while. By the time the bus reaches the hospital, I feel okay with myself. As I sign myself in and walk over to the oncology department, I feel the familiarity creeping up on me. I've done this before, it'll be okay. The first months, I have been doing this alone too, why shouldn't I be able to do that now?

The doctor plugs me in and soon, the first drips of chemo roll into my body. I miss May's hands on my shoulders and I almost can't keep myself from crying. When I see that the most other patients in the room are alone, I feel somewhat better. I'm not the only one who is feeling this way, who is alone. If they can fight this on their own, I can. The most of them are either throwing up or reading a magazine. I take the book from my purse and continue reading. The last years I haven't really read much and I feel stupid for not doing that at the moment. Lately I have found comfort in books, they help me get through this. The book I am currently reading -  Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson – isn't really a feel good book, but it sort of helps me, thinking that there are people with other issues and illnesses who feel worse than I do. Normally, finding comfort in other people's pain would be cruel, but right now I don't give a fuck. One girl, I know. She has been around every time I had my chemo sessions. Her schedule must match mine.
"Why isn't your girlfriend with you?' she asks curiously and looks at me with big blue eyes. She looks cute in a way.
"She's dying," I say coldly," and I didn't want her to get sick because she's here with me. I would feel too guilty."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I'm Rachel, by the way."
"I'm Cassandra. Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too."

The chemo doesn't make me as sick as it always does, but I'm glad when it's over.  Concentrating on my book was fairly easy and I had to throw up only once. Which was good, considering I had to throw up about three times, last time.  I wait for Rachel, but I don't have to wait long.
"Do you want my boyfriend to give you a ride home? I bet he doesn't mind." Rachel walks over to me after the doctor allows her to go home.
"If your boyfriend doesn't mind, I would like to."
"Okay! Great. We'll have to wait for about a half an hour, he's late, but if you want we can head over to the cafeteria. The coffee's good over there and coffee always helps me to get rid of the nausea."
"Sounds good, I don't mind waiting." As I stand up and walk along with her, a faint smile covers my face. May didn't really cross my mind that much, which is great. Of course I missed her, but I feel better not worrying about her for 24/7. Rachel didn't lie, the coffee tastes good and the nausea I felt, washes away after a few sips. I wonder how long I will be able to do this when May passes away. Not long, but I'm not sure. When May dies, I want to die  too.

May Scott point of view

he days keep on passing more slowly. Pain starts to be a constant in my life. I can feel death creeping up on me and it terrifies me. I have screamed that I wanted to die for hours, but now, now, I doubt if I'm ready to pass on, to go to the light, as many people call it. How will Dan and Cassie feel? I don't want to hurt them. Of course, I can't die without hurting them, but why do I have to go now? When I have so much energy left. I still want to fight. But your body doesn't want to anymore. The thought crosses my mind and I can't keep myself from wondering when all of this started to get so much worse? Why didn't I tell my mother about the bruise earlier? Maybe the doctors would have been able to do more about it. You are making yourself feel worse girl, don't a voice in the back of my mind tells me and I can't ignore it. I'd rather die peaceful than filled with sorrow.

When I asked mom for a lot of paper earlier, she seemed to consider it rather strange, the thought of a girl needing twenty pieces of paper and three biro's, but I need to do this. If I don't do this, I will keep on feeling guilty about it. As the biro flows over the paper, words appear, words filled with sorrow. The first letter I write is to my parents. They deserve it to be the first ones. They are the people who fought my battles for me the longest and they still do. I feel sorry for them, losing their only daughter to a stupid disease, to leukemia. I don't even want to think about the possibility that Dan would have it.

Dear mother and father,

first of all, I want to say how sorry I am. You both gave up the lives you had, just to fight my battles for me. Mom, you gave up your job so you could nurse me even though I was twenty years old. You took care of me like I was a baby, needing to be nursed 24/7. Dad, you started working two shifts to be able to pay for the ridiculous high hospital bills, you worked your ass of and yet, your efforts didn't pay off well. You both lost me.

Do you remember that energetic toddler you had? Running around and around until she started throwing up? I hope you do. I liked that version of me the most, the happy one. I do remember the one in high school. I didn't like her that much, did you? I liked the child version of me. She was happy and cheerful, but not too happy. I loved that version. She was the most balanced, don't you think? The teenage version of me was way to grumpy, too naïve, way too naïve. Especially with love and people she loved. Do you remember Jeremiah? Yes, of course you do, because without him, my tiny little angel wouldn't walk around. He was the first mistake I ever made that wasn't fixable. I would be able to let them take her out of me, but wouldn't that be murdering someone?

The version I hate the most, is the current version. Not because she loves a girl, because she is engaged to one, not at all. I hate her, because she stayed silent for such a long time. I have told myself for a long time it was just a bruise, it would go away. After two months, I started to eat less, lost weight. That's when you guys took me to a doctor against my will. You thought he would tell me I had anorexia or I should eat more, but the outcome wasn't exactly as you wanted it to be. When the doctor told me I had cancer, leukemia to be precise, I wanted to kill him and from the looks on your faces, I could tell you wanted to do the same. I wanted to do the same when Jeremiah left me, you know. I wanted to kill him, but yet, I understood why he left me. Who could handle being in love with someone, battling cancer without really knowing what to do or how to help.

I have been so close to death, but now, I just felt it was my time. This time I won't get better. You all know that. Even Cassandra does. Will you please take care of her? I know her time will come to, but I hope, I truly hope that it isn't soon. Danielle won't be able to cope with it if she lost both her parents.
I feel so guilty towards you. You gave up so much jus so I could win, but I didn't and I'm sorry. I wish all of this didn't happen, that we could just be one big happy family.

I love you both more than I have ever loved anyone else; even more than I love Cassie and Danielle, but don't tell them, okay? It's our little secret.
I hope you go on with your lives. Don't stay stuck in a life you once lived. Go on.
I love you,

By the time I'm done writing, tears fall down my cheeks. How can I do this to them? Die. Of course, it's better for me, but what if it hurts them? Carefully, I put the letter in the box, filled with letters. Letters for every person I care the most about. I only have three letters left to write. It are Cassandra's, Danielle's and one for my disease; the most difficult letters from them all. As soon as I pick up a new piece of paper, I know this will be the one read on my funeral. Writing this letter is like letting out everything I feel. It's easier than I expected. As soon as I write the last line of all, I feel happier; You won Leukemia, but I won't leave this life with you as my enemy; I've embraced your presence and I will see you as my friend for the rest of eternity. I continue with Cassandra's and little Danielle's. Everybody I love will have a letter when I pass away.

I don't feel myself fall asleep, but yet, I dream of brilliant colors, a happy life, without my disease. Before I can drift of into my dream too far, I can feel Cassandra's rough hands on my upper arms.
"May? Wake up," she softly whispers. " Come on, May." She softly shakes my arms. I can feel she's scared. With a slight sigh I open my eyes and look at her. She looks healthy.
"Hi," I softly whisper. " What's going on?"
"Nothing really," she says with a smile and presses her chapped lips on my bald forehead. " I just wanted to say I love you."
"I love you too," I whisper and pull her closer, pressing my lips on hers. " You know I do and will do forever." She laughs.
"Do you mind if I lay with you?"
"Of course not." She scrawls next to me, our bodies pressed to each other, fitting like the pieces of a puzzle.
"I am tired of doing this," she whispers. " I am sick of fighting."
"Shhh," I whisper,'it'll be okay. Everybody has one of those days."
"I know everybody does, but I'm really tired. I'll lose you soon enough and what do I have left to fight for when you are gone? Nothing!"
"You knew you would lose me," I whisper,'you've got to be strong. For me."
"I will do my best," she whispers and I can feel her eyelids against my skin. Her breathing slows and she falls asleep in my arms. I will miss her when she's gone, when I'm gone. But we'll see each other again one day, in heaven. I'll cling to that thought. I fall asleep next to her, feeling her cold body against mine.

Pain wakes me up. Something is wrong, very wrong. I can feel it. As in a dream, I can see my hands reaching out for Cassandra, shaking her awake and I can hear myself telling her something, but it seems like everything is coming from a distance. She runs off, bringing both my parents and Danielle along with her. I don't know why she brings Danielle with her. She's way too  young to see this. Only my mother would have been enough. She's helped me through episodes like this one.
"Mommy! Mommy!' Dan cries and  hugs me, but I push her away as I feel a wave of nausea coming up. Blood finds its way up my throat. Cassandra hands me a bowl and thankful, I take it and throw up. I've had worse episodes than this, yet, it feels so wrong. Completely wrong. Is this how it feels when you are dying? Is this how it feels?

Somebody up there in heaven is holding the scissors in his hands. One snip can end my life. I can almost feel he scissor cutting through my last string, not cutting it through completely, leaving just enough life to hang on for a few hours or days. He's laughing at me, laughing out loud. As if He's happy I'll die. I bet he is happy I'll die. I bet He is. No, I don't bet He is, I know He is.  With this though, the world disappears from my eyes.
"Don't let you May! Don't you let go!' Cassie yells. I want to answer, but I can't speak. A tear rolls down my cheeks, I can feel it. An ambulance arrives and they lift my only half functioning body up, bringing it to the hospital. Helping me. I am trapped in my own mind.

Stop. This.
Help. Me.
I can feel the light.

Suddenly, I can feel myself getting close to the surface. I can open my eyes. My body doesn't control me anymore. I control my body. Cassandra comes in sight. She gently squeezes my hand, smiling through the tears streaming down her face.
"The doctors told me you were dying," she whispers,'and it took me a while, but now I see it. They didn't lie, did they?"
"I wish they did," I whisper. " I only wish they did. Where is Danielle?' The tiny string is getting thinner and thinner.
"I'm here mommy, I'm here." Danielle crawls towards me and kisses me on my cheek. A new pain shoots through my veins, my joints and bones. My head seems to explode, but I ignore this. If this is my end, I want to face it with a clear mind; not a clouded one because of the pain killers. A tear rolls down my cheek, a single tear, filled with pain.
"Cassandra," I say softly,'under my bed, I've placed a box. In it is something for you. I want you to have it."
"Is this your way of saying goodbye, May? Cause you don’t have to! You'll survive. Don't give up okay?' Her voice rises. " Don't you dare to give up." Tears roll down her cheeks.
"I'm sorry," I say softly and give each of them a kiss on the cheeks; my mother, father and Danielle. I kiss Cassandra on the lips and whisper a soft and slowly goodbye. The tiny sting holding me breaks.

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