Our freedom flew away

Cassandra 'Cassie' Lightwood and May Scott are two young girls, deeply in love. They only thing ruining their happiness is cancer. While May is facing ALL – Acute Lymphotic Leukemia, Cassandra fights against CC – Colorectal Cancer. Will their fight end right or will it all come to an end before their life is able to start?

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1. Fighting

 

Cassadra Arizona Night's point of view

'You have cancer." The words are ringing in my ear. It can't be, it just can't. My mom looks at me, her long pale fingers clinched into a fist.
"Are you sure doctor?' I whisper, unwilling to believe him.
"I am afraid I am," he says," you have what we call CC – Colorectal Cancer.. It is a disease that is hard to fight, but we'll do our best to help you."
"Are you telling me that my daughter might die because of this? Do you mean to tell me that my eighteen year old is dying?' The doctor doesn't answer my mom in words, he just nods.
"We'll be trying a chemotherapy session to start off with, when this doesn't work, we'll get to other alternatives. The chance is indeed there that your beloved daughter will die, but it isn't necessary. She's young. You'll be amazed when she shows you how much of this she can fight." My mother looks at him in shock, but believes him.
"We'll fight this demon, darling. You won't die. I won't let you."


That is the earliest memory I have that involves my CC and I can't tell you why the thought of it is circling around in my head. That day is over a year ago. Today I have my seventh chemo of this series; it is a sort of therapy that is harder than normal, but I have to go through with it if I want to survive. The nurse helps me up and I sit on my bed, legs crossed waiting for the chemo, waiting for May. She's late; maybe her 'happy hour' lasts longer than planned. A new, young doctor walks in with an infuse filled with a transparent, yellow toned fluid in his hands.
"Hello. I am doctor Lights, a student. I have to give you your chemo today," he says with a smile as if he likes being here. Who the hell will like giving someone things to make him or her sick? He is a doctor, which explains everything I guess.
"Good luck," he says after he hangs the infuse up with the others and plugs it into my catheter.  Just before the first drip of chemo enters through my body, May, my beautiful best friend and girlfriend walks in; with her here, I feel like I can conquer the world, so happy hour can begin. She walks over to me, her mouth curled into a faint smile. I feel her soft hands on my shoulders as she moves her body on the bed and sits behind me. Feeling her hands on my arms and back feels nice. At least she knows how I feel.
"Happy hour is just over for me," she whispers in my ear after she presses a kiss onto my almost bald head, 'it's your turn now. It'll be okay in the end, I promise."
"I know," I whisper. " Have you dropped Danielle off at school?"
"Yes," she murmurs softly, 'just before I got here. She told me, to tell you she loved you."
"You've got a sweet kid," I tell her, squeezing my eyes shut as I reach for the glass of water on the bed stand. Pain shoots through my veins.
"We've got a sweet kid," she says, smiling. I can feel her warm breath on my skull. " She sees you as her mother; she even asked me what's wrong with you, what makes you sick. My darling never asked that about her father, even though he is sick often. She loves you more than she ever loved him."
"That's nice to hear. I'll spoil her later, when this shit is over."
"Don't spoil her too much; I don't want her to become brad."  I nod once. Cold water runs through my throat, sending a shiver through my spine. As soon as I feel the wave of nausea coming up I take the tub from next to me and put it on my upper legs. Vomit finds its way up and I threw up. It feels awful, like drinking hot chocolate when it is streaming hot, my throat felt like it is ripping apart. May holds the leftovers of my hair out of my face as the sour fluid keeps spilling out of my throat. How long can a single throw up session last?
"Shhh…' Her voice calms me down, so does her hand rubbing my boney back. After a couple of minutes the vomit stays away and I can breathe without needing to gasp for air. When I look at what is left of the chemo, I am happy to see that it is almost half empty. May carefully gets out of my back and stand up to throw the vomit into the toilet. When she's back she sits behind me and read me a book. Her voice calms me down and I fall in a sleepy state of mind.

May's soft lips wake me up. " Happy hour's over," she says enthusiastic. " The doctor is coming down to see how you are doing and if you are feeling okay, you are allowed to come home, isn't that wonderful?"
"It indeed is," I say, smiling. I hope the doctor will allow me to go home. Maybe we can go and pick up Danielle! I can imagine the look on her sweet angel like face, the surprised expression in her eyes. She is glad to have two mothers, yet I know she will hate me for being a woman instead of a man. She will hate me for the hell I will put her in when she gets older, but the time I spend with her is magical and that overthrows everything.
"Are you feeling sick?' the doctor asks me during the check-up.
"No, I'm feeling, okay." That isn't a lie, I feel better than I ever did after a chemo session.
"Did any unusual things happen during the session?"
"No, everything went just as it normally will have."
"Okay, I'm going to discuss everything with the doctor and then you are free to go. I'm glad that you have best friend around here," the doctor tells me, 'people say that the chemo is bearable if a friend is with them."
"I am glad I have found a girlfriend around here," I say, 'although I wish she is completely healthy."
The doc flushes red and walks out of the room, murmuring that he wouldn't have thought I was lesbian. He speaks the words as if he is angry at me for being in love with the most amazing girl I ever met. Behind me I hear May laugh.
"Did you see his face?' she chuckles, 'as if you told him you murdered someone!' I laugh with her, remembering his face clearly.
"You are free to go," the familiar voice of my doctor says as he walks in. " I thought you went home, May."
"No, I didn't," she says cheerfully, 'I stayed to support my Cassandra."
"That's nice of you; I didn't know it is official, congratulations. Relationships between patients are rare, yet so beautiful. Have I told you that I met my wife at the E.R?"
"Only about a dozen times," I say, smiling.
"Oh, well. Good luck, for the both of you."
"Thank you," we say and walk out.

After a long bus ride home, I am exhausted, may suggests that I take a short nap and then we go and pick up Danielle.  I tell her that is a good idea, lay down in the soft sofa at our apartment and sleep.

May Scott Point of view

As I watch my girl sleep, I feel proud and happy, yet worried. She looks so brittle, fragile. Her skin is almost transparent, letting through the blue color of her veins. She bruises up so easy; I don't want to take her anywhere. I want to lock her up and spoil her. Her eyelids flutter as she breathes in and out, sleeping deep.
"I love you," I whisper in her ear and slide my hand over her arms. Bones are showing through her skin. As she rolls over to her side, I can see her ribs through her loose shirt that once suited her perfectly. When I met her, she was wearing this shirt and guess what; it did fit her perfectly. It's a shame it doesn't anymore, she looks beautiful wearing that blouse, deadly skinny or not.
Danielle's school is around the block, so we don't have to walk long. After I wake Cassandra up, she pulls off her worn pajamas and replaces it by a pair of jeans and a thick sweater. We both pull on our warm jacket and head off to Danielle. We walk hand in hand, close to each other. People turn over to look at us. Their eyes go from our bald heads, to our hands, woven into each other, than back to our heads. Their sharp tongues speak words about us, but I don't care. People always talk about is, either about our bald heads or our love. The golden engagement rings on our ring fingers. When we get at school the toddlers come running out. When I see Danielle, she's crying. She runs to us and hugs Cassandra's legs.
"What's wrong, sweetheart?' I ask her and lift her up in the air.
"Jenni won't let me make two things for mother's day!' she cries.
"Well go and talk to her, okay?' Cassie says and I put Dan on the ground. The eyes off the other parents are locked on us, stupid people. Why can't they stare at something else? Like their kid, wanting to go home. When I look at them, they drop their gaze.
"If they look at us one more time, I'll kick their ass," Cassie hisses.
"Don't," I say, soothing her, 'it'll only hurt you." That is the truth I realize when I look at her. She's thin, pale and her skin bruises easily. Under her sleeves, long blue bruises are visible, covering her complete arms.
"I know."
We both walk over to the teacher, who is standing outside, making sure that all of her toddlers are picked up by the right people. She gets ready to go to us. Normally my mother picks Danielle up, since we are both too weak in her eyes, but for today, She comes toward us, but we are moving too. When we get to her, I notice Danielle reaches out to Cassie. At first I don't want to give her to Cassie, but as she doesn't seem to mind and feels strong enough, I hand her over.
"Hello," I say politely, we are Cassandra and May, Danielle's mothers. Can we have a word with you?"
"Oh, sure," she says surprised. " Spill the beans, what's up?"
"My daughter told me that she isn't allowed to make two things for mother's day, even though she wants to."
"It's about that. We'll I didn't believed that she has two mothers, you see. There is another woman picking her up every day and there always seems be a man with her."
"Those were my grandparents, and you've seen me a couple of times."
"I thought you were her sister. Not her mother and Cassandra never seems to be with you.. "
"She lay in the hospital," I say, 'I do believe that it's relatively impossible to pick up your daughter if you are having a fever." The look it in  her eyes betrayed her, she thought something like, 'why the hell would a normal person have to be in the hospital because she has a fever?' a silly thought, considering her bald head. Cassie seems to notice it too.
"I have cancer." This stunns the teacher. " We both have. That's why we don't pick her up ourselves often," The teacher is speechless.
"Oh, that changes everything, and explains the most of it I guess. Is that the reason your parents pick her up before the day has ended a couple of times last month?"
"Yes," Cassandra says, 'my life has been dangling on a thin wire for a couple of weeks. Her grandparents wanted her to be able to say goodbye to me if I died. She has spent a couple of days at the hospital with me too, mostly at weekends though, but that's not what we wanted to talk to you about. We want our daughter to be able to make two presents if she wants to.."
"I'll talk about it with the principal," she says.
"Okay," I say and we walk away, going home. Cassandra seems to be tired of holding her, her arms not strong enough, so she puts her down and hold her hand, we both do.
"I love you both," Danielle suddenly says, 'Never die, never."
"We won't die darling," I tell her, knowing it is a lie. " I promise." I see Danielle smile at us, which comforts me a little bit. She believes me, and that's the point. We don't have to die because of our cancer. It's something that happens frequently, but it doesn't have to happen to us, we can survive this.  When I look at Cassie, I know I am lying. I was late because of the doctor, not because of the chemo. He told me she's dying and she'll probably won't make it through this month. Yet, he seemed to have some hope, if this chemotherapy session worked, it could be possible she survives. Since that moment, I can't stop hoping, hoping for her to get better.

"Is something wrong?' Cassandra asks me after I try to open the door. I notice my hands are shaking.
"I'm just a bit cold, that's all," I say and open the door after seven tries. Danielle shoots inside when she sees the barbie doll Cassie bought her. I feel dizzy and weak - sleepy, but I don't want to go to sleep.
"Mommy tired?' Dan asks. I nod.
"Mommy is very tired."
"So is Danielle," she says and pulls her red rabbit Carrot to her.
"Why don't you guys take a nap?' Cassandra asks us lifting up Danielle. " You want to sleep in our bed, don't you?' I hear Dan laugh and see that Cassie is tickling her.
"Yeah! Me wants to sleep next to mommy!"
"Come here little monster," I laugh and take her out of Cassandra's arms. " Let's go to sleep."
Cassandra kisses us both goodnight and leaves the room as we both drift off to another dimension.

Cassandra Arizona Night point of view

When I see that their eyes are shut I close the door behind me and go downstairs. It's a mess in the kitchen and there are a lot of dishes ready to be washed, but I don't feel like doing them. The little apartment is silent except for the snoring of both May and Danielle. How I love them both in a way I never expected to. No, I wasn't Danielles biological mother, she didn't even seem to mind. She loved me more than she did with her own father. The phone starts ringing, but I don't recognize the number, so I pick up.
"Hello, Cassadra Arizona Night speaking." It's silent, except for the quiet cusing on the other end of the line.
"It's Jeremiah, is May there?' The bastard.
"No, she's asleep," I say. " Is there anything I can help you with?"
"How is she?' he asks, sounding worried. That's too late boy, too late.
"She's okay, considering the circumstances." That wasn't the complete truth, but he doesn't deserve to know the complete truth. The son of a bitch broke up with her when he heard she had Leukemia, leaving her alone with a daughter.
"Oh, okay. Do you mind telling her I called?"
"Yeah, I actually do. Goodbye Jeremiah."
"Don't..." I don't give him the chance to finish his line and smash the phone back on the receiver.  I have only seen him once and all he did was yell at May, making her cry. I'll never forgive him for what he did, but I know I don't need to do that, since May isn't going to.

The next hour I spend watching a lame television soap I don't even like. The characters are lame and predictable, the storyline sucks, but I have nothing else to do. I could take a shower or take a nap, but for some reason all those idea's sound repulsive to me. Suddenly Danielle runs towards me, her clothes are covered with blood.
"Mommy sick! Mommy sick!' Her words alarm me and I let her pull me to the bedroom. As soon as I turn on the lights, I see what she means. The bedsheets are covered with blood, so is the floor, but May is nowhere to be found.
"Where is mommy darling? Where is your mommy?' Her little hands point towards the bathroom door. " Mommy there! Ran there, ten minutes ago. Don't come out." Her sentences aren't well formed, but understandable.
"May?' I ask her through the door. There's not answer. " May! Open the door, now!"
"Go away," her weak voice says, 'you don't want to see this, go away."
"Yes, I do." My voices sounds stronger than I feel, my bones are trembling.
"Get Danielle out of here," she says and I do what she asks.
"Dan, sweetheart, would you mind calling grandma for me? Tell her mommy's sick and she needs to come over. Will you do that for me?' She nods once and then races off to the phone, bringing it to me.
"Dial number," she says and hands me my phone. After I tell her to press the green button and hold the phone to her ear she leaves the room. The door swings open and I see her leaning against the . everything is covered with blood, her clothes, the floor, everything. Almost on instinct I run over to her, rubbing her back. Her skin feels like it's on fire. She has been throwing up pure blood. She tries to stand up, but collapses again. as I catch her, her eyelids close.
"Come on May! Stay with me." My hands reach for May's phone and dial 911.
"Hello, what's your emergency,"  a friendly, but annoyed voice asks me.
"My fiancée has been throwing up blood," I tell her with tears in my eyes.
"Is she conscious?"
"No, she passed out." Come on bitch, hurry up. Send that fucking ambulance.
"Is she breathing?"
"Yes, but very slow and uneven." My heart is pumping faster than it ever did.
"What's your address?' she asks me. How is it possible that she remains so calm when my girl is dying?! I give her the address and she promises me that the ambulance will be here any moment.

Even though she promised the ambulance would be here within five minutes, I still want to kill them when they arrive. They pull me away from her and order me to tell them everything that happened, so I told them about the fact that she went to sleep, Danielle ran towards me to tell me she was sick and I found her throwing up blood.
"Is there anything we need to know?"
"She has leukemia." Suddenly everything gets more serious. They rush off, but order me to stay here until Danielle's grandmother arrives. Danielle is crying loudly when I see her. I wash the blood of her face and help her get dressed.
"Grandma is going to pick you and me up, and then we are going to the hospital, see what's wrong with your mommy, but I want you to be strong, okay? Do it for mommy." She nods and as soon as mrs. Scott arrives we head off to the hospital, off to May.

Danielle is crying, I had to tell Mrs. Smith what happened and she heard it. We tried everything to calm her down, but it didn't work. As my future mother-in-law parks the car, I help Danielle get out.
"Danielle, don't be scared. Your mommy will survive, okay? She will. It's okay to cry, but don't think you'll lose her, cause you won't. May will survive."
"Okay momma," she says softly and looks at her feet.  She wraps her tiny arms around my shoulders and wipes a tear from my face. " No cry momma. I don't want see you sad."
"Come on little skittle, let's go and see mommy."

We walk to the hospital, her hands woven into mine. Trudy - my mother-in-law goes to the reception to ask if May is allowed to get visitors while my little skittle and I go and sit in the waiting corridor. I feel like a trainwreck, waiting until we are allowed to see my darling. Danielle is sitting on my lap, her eyelids flutter as she sleeps. Her soft curls tickle my ribs.
"I am getting tired of waiting," I say to Trudy. We are sitting here for about an hour, and we still aren't allowed to visit her.
"So am I," she says. " I am going to get something to eat for us. Would Dan eat something?"
"I guess she'll be starving," I say, answering her question. " People get hungry from crying."
"Do you want something?"
"I'm not really hungry, thanks anyway." Her look crosses my legs, but then she seems to realize something. That's right miss superwoman, cancer. When she returns she is holding three, low fat chicken sandwiches, May's favorites.
"Wake up, darling, eating time," I whisper in Danielle's ear. She opens up her eyes and looks at the sandwiches in Trudy's hands. I hand her one and she eagerly eats it.
"Still hungry?"
"No momma."
"Okay sweetheart." Trudy heads off to the reception to see if May is allowed to see someone as our doctor, doc Dany walks through the door. As soon as he sees us, he walks over.
"Can you come to my office for a second? We need to talk."
"Oh, okay." I follow him to his office, Danielle still holds my hands and Trudy walks just behind us. His office is small, painted in different tones of white. A single plant decorates the room and that's it.
"What's up?' Trudy asks him rudely.
"Let's tell you straight, I guess that's what you want. Things are going bad for May. She has an infection and the leukemia isn't responding on the chemo anymore." He speaks the words without blinking. " She probably won't have another three months." Tears fill my eyes and fall down my cheeks.
"What are we going to do about it? Does she have to stay at the hospital or?"
"As soon as the infection is over, she'll be allowed to go home and stay home. She'll need a lot of taken care of and she'll get weak. She'll start to get sleepier and eventually pass away, probably in her sleep." As soon as he speaks the words, we all start to cry; Trudy, Danielle and me.
"Can see mommy?' asks Danielle and looks at the doc.
"Yes darling, you are allowed to see mommy. I'll take you there." During our walk, everybody is quiet. The only thing hearable are our footsteps and Danielle's sobs. Trudy is carrying her arms and calms her down, at least she tries to. When we get to May's room, there is another patient in the same room. It's an old lady. As we walk in, she's sleeping. May is conscious when we get there.
"Cassie," she cries and reaches out her hands. I give her a kiss and then hug her fragile body. I am going to miss her so freaking hard.  The doctor looks at me and slightly coughs once.
"You have bad news for me, don't you?' May asks and looks at the doctor. De nods and tells her what's wrong. We both cry because off it. It isn't fair.
"Will Cassandra be able to take care for me?'
"No, she won't be. The chemo will weaken her and eventually, she'll need the same help as you. You might consider arranging something so that people can take care of you. If you want to stay home, we can arrange something with the home care service. I'm not sure if that's possible for you, but there are services that provide giving you a few things; a hospital bed, a wheelchair…"
"That sounds good to me; I want to stay home with Cassandra."
"Okay, I'll see what we can arrange for you."
"Thanks."

We stay with her as the doctor leaves. I put her hands over hers, but she doesn't seem to notice. All she does is stare at the white ceiling. I don't want to interrupt her, so I just sit next to her. Danielle is sitting on the bed, looking at her fragile mommy. A few times, a tear escaped her eyes, or it seemed like it. May has seen it too. When a new tear rolls down her cheek, she stretches her and wipes it from her face.
"Come here little monster," she says in a strong voice. Danielle crawls over to her, avoiding anything that might hurt her. May pulls her close and soon Dan lays with her head on Mays shoulder and starts crying even harder.
"Don't wanna lose you, mommy!"
"I know darling," May says and closes her eyes to let a tear escape, 'but you'll have to let me go. You still have Cassandra; she'll be your new mother."
"I know I still have momma, but I want you mommy!"
"Oh sweetheart," she mutters.
"You aren't losing her today Danielle, you still have a couple of weeks to spend with her. Don't give your hopes up, doctors have been wrong for so many times. If the doctors would have been right, I would have died about three times."
"Okay," Dan says and wipes the tears from her eyes. " Momma right. No cry mommy, be alright." No, her sentences weren't well formed, but she seemed to get better at making them every day. When I first met her, her sentences were barely understandable, but right now, she is so much better in it. Danielle lifts her tiny hand up in the air and wipes away a tear that rolls down May's cheek. May laughs and tickles Danielle.
"I love you little butterfly."
"I love you too mommy.'

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