Rimmington: Better Than Sliced Bread ( A Love Story)

Once upon a time, dear reader, there was a place called Runescape. And in this land, there were many great cities with their own little histories and their heroes, and their who-di-nannies and their wot-nots. This isn't about them. This is the story of Rimmington, the greatest city that Runescape has to offer.


2. The Teapot


      The reason why you haven’t seen these creatures around is because someone took care of them for you. A man with a teapot could always do marvelous and magical things, but this guy was the real deal, and his name was Jacques Zegelheim. He had brought the teapot from his hometown, Crandor, which recently had been attacked by a giant green chicken; Elvraggamuffin or something was its name. Apparently the teapot had been in the family for generations, but they had been using it for tea all that time instead of using it to kill monsters. Remember the zombie invasion of Varrock? Could have been prevented, but someone was too busy drink chamomile to help.

        The teapot’s true power hadn’t been realized until a grumpy 20 year old Zegelheim came to the Rimmington and was attacked by a Fuzzlesnog. Yes! The TERRIBLE FUZZLESNOG! Oh, if you could have been there, my novice adventurer! Oh how the Fuzzlesnog used its terrible tentacle to drain Zegleheim of his energy, draining him of his life! It was quick, my friend, but before he died, Zegelheim was determined to have one last sip of Darjeeling tea (Who wouldn’t, I mean really? Best tea ever.) and he grabbed the teapot from his bag and drank from it, and wished with all his heart ‘Damn, I wish I wasn’t going to die, I really wanted to finish this pot of tea. Mhmmm. Darjeeling. Best tea ever.” And then, the teapot did something even more amazing than serve Darjeeling tea. It saved Zegelheim’s life. The Fuzzlesnog had lost its ability to drain him, and Zegelheim became healthy and strong again. The Fuzzlesnog, now foiled and useless, tried to squirm away, but, as we all know, fuzzlesnogs are terribly slow, so Zegelheim beat the daylights out of it with a rather convenient flower pot that was just lying two feet away. And that was how it all started.

         This item was brought to the Board, and soon became a centerpiece weapon that they would use to defeat the grim things that attacked. Not only would Zegelheim use it, but anyone. He donated the teapot to the Board for anyone to use. After much experimentation, they realized that the teapot had the power to take away abilities. Not just monster’s abilities, anyone’s. The ability to see, to jump, to do the tango, you name it. Oh dear pickled cartwheel, how I wish I could use that teapot right now to take away my friend the tree's ability to talk. I mean seriously, I couldn’t care less about how you got hit by a sandwich and had to have leg surgery three times. Leave me alone.

        Anyway, it wasn’t long before another two items were “donated” (sometimes forcibly and with tweezers) to the Board. A ring that could protect the bearer from any attack, and a mirror that could copy anyone’s ability. These were also used by the Board to defeat all the evils that Rimmington seemed to attract. After twenty long years, it was believed that all of these creatures were destroyed.  But oh, dear half-basted turkey eater, there was at least one left that I know of.

         A rogue Snarly Waggle.  He was the last of his kind, and therefore probably the smartest. Not only that, he had the worst and most terrifying trait anyone can have: patience. He waited, hen-bitten adventurer, so long for his revenge on the person who started the extinction of his kind. One night after a Board meeting, Zegelheim, now 40 years old, walked home to find the Snarly Waggle waiting for him. Unarmed, Zegelheim was helpless and the Snarly Waggle possessed him, killing his sanity. The Snarly Waggle kept the body, a mere disguise. He kept on with the charade of being human, of being a Board member. This Snarly Waggle, dear oven-pastry, plotted his revenge, and someday, he planned, he would take over the city. And Snarly Waggles can live for a long time. And this particular one had patience. Moral of the story: if a parent or a teacher or boss has patience for you, they are probably plotting your death. Or they may be a Snarly Waggle.

          As we have learned, the Board shared the three artifacts of power, or L.E.M.O.N.s, as they were originally called. But as we learn in day care with sharing toys, some get lost, some get stolen, and some get toddler spit on them. These artifacts were lost, and found, and lost, and then found under someone’s couch again.  

            But one day, dear reader, they would be together again, and they would stop a threat that was most terrifying. Maybe, even, a halibut returned from the grave of extinction!

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