I can't believe he's doing it again, we're actually having the same conversation from a year ago, again:
'I'm sorry Robyn but we've been arguing so much lately...'
No we haven't.
'...I feel like we're just going through the motions now'
Yes, moving in together, getting a dog and planning our first holiday together is definitely classed as 'going through the motions.'
'...and I feel like I'm holding you back, smothering you. You have so much of a spark within you, and to be honest, I can't keep trying to match it anymore. I just don't have it in me.'
Well that's new. How strange that he would stay that, that's not sticking to the script at all. It's usually all about me failing as a girlfriend in some way or another, not this. Despite my vow to myself at the start of this discussion (when I walked through the door at midnight after a double-shift trying to pay our rent) that I would let him talk at me and cry myself to sleep later on, I was curious.
'What makes you say that?' I say.
'You keep talking about all these places you want to go to, things you want to do and you're never content to just sit here. When we're together, you'll never really here. Your eyes glaze over and I know your dreaming of something else, someone else (what??) and I can't reach you.' Leo finishes. This is the most impassioned speech I've heard from him in years. I know he really feels like this. This isn't the standard break-up garbage he usually comes out with and I can't say I disagree, something's missing in my life. I feel like I'm waiting for something huge to happen and this is just the prologue to my life.
Ha! Listen to me, how ridiculous. This is my life. Well, it was. Something in me snaps. I've heard enough. I don't want to listen to this babble anymore. He's leaving again, for the last time this time, might as well set things in motion.
I get up off the sofa in our newly-decorated living room and finding my coat put it on. Walking out into the kitchen in search of my keys, Leo stumbles after me.
'What, where're you going?'
'Out. I think I'll take Rosie. She hasn't been out today, I presume?'
'Well, no. Not yet. I got really into my game and I sort of, forgot.' I roll my eyes. No change there then. 'Anyway' he continues, obviously rattled that I'm not crying my eyes out like I had done the last time he broke up with me...and the time before that. 'Don't you understand what's happening, we're breaking up. Don't you even care!' he whines. Christ, I won't miss this.
'Of course I care' I say, barely containing my impatience. What's he expecting, begging? Probably.
'Then why are you leaving, you're not even listening to me' he rages, seconds away from a full-on tantrum as I hunt around, still searching for my keys. I can never find them.
'Because we've been here before, many times and to be honest Leo I'm sick of it'. Silently praising myself for finally finding my keys I put the lead on my loveable little chocolate Labrador Rosie and head towards the front-door.
Leo blocks me, Rosie growls, bless her.
'You're not leaving until you listen to me.' Leo states.
'What's left to listen to? You're leaving me because we argue all the time, have nothing in common and are going through the motions now. What's left to understand?'
'I still love you'
'Well that's great. Thanks'
'Do you still love me?'
'Not right now.'
'I'm being serious!'
'So am I, Leo let me leave please'
'If you go, that's it! I'll be gone by the time you get back'
'I thought this was it?'
'Well, yes...but do you really want it to end like this?'
'What were you expecting Leo? Me to just passively accept this or throw myself at your feet begging for you to stay? We've done this too many times Leo. I'm done.' As I say this, he visibly deflates. Like a man defeated. I don't understand. 'What on earth's the matter?'
'I hoped you would fight, try to change, you know, make an effort to make it work' he barely whispers to me.
'Seriously?! I'm working two jobs while you lounge around on your computer all day, apparently to depressed to find work. What more do you want from me? And why should I change. You're the one that needs to change. Grow up for Christ sake!' And with that I manage to push past Leo and make it out of the door, Rosie happily trotting behind me.
Nothing much phases Rosie, I think to myself as I march along the street towards the woods, the only place I can go when I feel this irritated. It's so dark now, the moon is my only light down the little country road. My back starts to itch, a sure sign that I'll be feeling like this for a while. It always does that, it's like my personal mood ring. Any heightened emotion boom! Itchy back. Weird I know, but I don't particularly care right now.
I resolutely march towards the woods, trying desperately to avoid the inevitable. I'm alone, again.
If only I'd known then, this was the night my life would change.