I'm fine - one shot

A look into someones thoughts, maybe yours or someone you knows.

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1. English

 

'I'm fine.'

You know what? That is probably the lie I use the most.
When I'm stressing day and night to please all of my teachers with better work than I'm able to acchive, I'm fine.
I'm also fine when I scream at my mother for hours over nothing just to cover up how bad I really feel and make her think she's the one that's all wrong.
Even when I've starven myself for hours and finally decide to eat something, just to go throw it up again, with all those tears running down my face.
I can't even open a window anymore without wondering what would happen if I actually took the jump and who would miss me, if someone would, and the only reason I don't is because I'm afraid what people would think if I didn't die.
When I can't sleep at night because of all the worries I have and end up falling halfasleep at school the next day, I'm perfect.
When I'm so stressed out all the time that my hair starts falling of and my nails are breaking, I feel awesome when that happens, - and with my constant headache as well, sometimes it takes me days to notice that it's finally gone.
I feel fantastic when people at school makes fun of me, and gives me “funny” remarks like 'you shouldn't eat that, it's unhealthy.'
You think I don't know that? 
You think I don't know that if I have that on little snack ones in a while I'll get fat? And ugly? 
Do you think that those voices inside my head doesn't tell me that every morning, when I have to deside if I want food or loosing a little extra, a little faster.
I couldn't be happier when I drown that bottle vodka or that can of beer, especially when I'm alone and it has nothing to do with having fun with my friends.
Or when I ones again can't keep my promise to myself about quitting the cigarettes, that I end up smoking when everything else fucks up?
When I look into that mirror and I see the fat on my belly, my thighs and my arms it's extremly hard to keep that smile on my face. But I do. Every fucking day.
Do you think I feel good when I have to do fucked up things just to feel alive?
When asked if I could end my life without blood, pain and hurting my family and friends, I actully have to consider my answer.
When people I've met online means more to me than those people at school that says they'll “always be there for me”. Bullshit.

The truth is, I'm sick and tired of having to put up this facade all the time!

'I'm not fine!'

 

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