The Troubles of A Teenage Girl

This is just basically a 'diary' as most would call it.

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1. Just because I forgot, doesn't mean I forgave

October 2nd, 2012.

Don't get me wrong, I love and appreciate my dad alot. Its just, I don't know anymore. It had been one year exactly on July 23rd, and I've been thinking ever since. How would my life be without him? Would all of my anxiety come out as hard as it did that following September? How would we go along without him? Would I be happier? Would I even care if he had died? I ask myself these questions everyday, and yes, I do feel bad to think that maybe, just maybe my life would be better without him. Would my mom move on? Would she find somebody else? I can't ever picture my mom with somebody other than my father, It just doesn't look right. I remember a few years ago- when Brandon still played hockey, there was a kid on his team who's father would always 'flirt' with my mom. I remember getting so pissed and glaring at him the entire game. I think his name was I believe..Dave? I know his wife was Andrea but I can't remember their sons name. Dave would always intentionally flirt with mom infront of me and I hated it so much. But now that I look back on that, I think I was a bit over-protecting and that they were just joking around. But back to what I mostly wanted to talk about- It seems as my dad wants me to completley forget about everything that happened that day, that he's all better now- but I may have forgotten but I haven't forgave. I mean, how dare he try to leave us? How dare he do that when Brandon and I were in the basement? What would've happened if I had came upstairs and found him lifeless in a pile of his own blood? That day still haunts me, and I may say that I've forgiven him, but have I really? No. It really fucking pissed me off that he basically ruined my entire summer vacation. We had just moved into a new house and I thought things were going okay, but guess not. My entire summer was in that hospital, visting the man I call my father. We didn't get to go on a family vacation or anything. My mom would come home from work and go straight to the hospital. It was like I didn't even know my own mother anymore, I barely got to see her. And now here I am, a year later and still angry. Its just the little things my father does that gets me annoyed with him. He's just a pest sometimes and he needs to learn to back off and give people their space. Just last night, I had shown my mom the award (which was just basically a peice of paper with my name on it) and my dad kept cutting me off when I tried to talk, he kept saying 'CAN I SEE IT? CAN I SEE IT?' I maybe shouldn't have spazzed out on him like I did, but he just pisses me off sometimes! I don't want to seem like another one of thoes girls who whines and complains about their 'daddy'. I just.. don't know anymore. I don't want to talk about this anymore..

 

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