Thought of You

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  • Published: 28 Sep 2012
  • Updated: 28 Feb 2013
  • Status: Complete
COMPLETED. Clara-Rose Flemming. 17 years old. Model and actress. Got a call from her agent to be in a music video at Malibu Beach. She goes and finds that it's One Direction's video. She never gets in a relationship with anyone she works with. BUt will Zayn change her mind?

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32. Chapter 32

 

Chapter 32

 

Rose’s POV

 

I tossed and turned in my bed. I could feel the fatigue but it wasn’t strong enough to wash over me. My thoughts were running every where in my head. I could hear Zayn’s soft snores near my ear. 

Can Zayn actually be in love with me? Can I love him back?

I still think he’s going to end up cheating on me. Deep down, I’m still paranoid that he might leave me for someone else. Someone better, someone prettier, someone with less burden than myself. He has so many people hanging off him, he can go to absolutely anyone else. He can leave me.

I’m no where near ready for love. I’m still scarred and injured by Christian. Christian was my first love, my first heartbreak, my first everything. He broke me beyond repair and Zayn is only just beginning to fix that. Am I willing to let myself go and love him back? Am I ready to love him back?

I thought back to what he said before. You know you love me, you just gotta accept it. How can he be so sure when I’m not sure myself? And what I said to him... was it a lie or was it the truth? Do I think I love him, like really think I’m in love with him?

All these questions swirled in my head. I don’t know yet... He sounds so sure himself but i don’t think he really is. I think he’s in some sort of illusion because he’s happy with me. Maybe he’s just in love with that happiness, not me. Maybe he’s just in love with all the memories we’ve created, the relationship we built. 

If I accept the fact that I love him, if I actually do, he could realise he was in love with the wrong thing. What if I said something, something small, that hurt him? Would he still be with me or would he leave me because i broke his trust and his happiness? Things like these is what I have to consider. With Christian, if I ever called him a dickhead the way I did the other day, he would’ve been out the door in less than a minute. Zayn stayed, maybe he didn’t leave because he started it first. Maybe he stayed because of the curiosity  that left him confused of my outrageous antics. 

Okay, comparisons and doubts aside, do I really love him? Does my heart say that? Does my heart scream the name Zayn? This shouldn’t be the matter of me getting hurt in the end or the fact that I got hurt before or the fact that I’m cynical towards love. It should be about what I’m really feeling. What my heart is saying.

It’s 3 am. I haven’t once fallen asleep, I haven’t once closed my eyes. I’m trapped in these vast thoughts that never seems to stop. That never comes up right. 

I rolled over and faced Zayn, bringing my hands up to touch his face. I ran my thumbs lightly on his closed eyelids, feeling the softness of it and feeling his eyelashes as it rubbed against his cheekbones. I ran my fingers through his soft brown hair that was ruffled and sticking up every which way. I slid my hands down his face and felt the stubble along his jawline, it tickled my palms slightly. I ran light thumbs along his parted lips, feeling the softness of the pair. I felt his breath lightly touch my fingertips.

Am I in love with that? His godly given face, his godly touched body, his angelic heart, his childish behaviour, his comforting tone, his beautiful personality, his wise brain. 

If that’s how I describe him, does that mean I love him?

‘I love you, Rose.’ I heard him breath out, restlessly. He didn’t even seem awake. I felt my heart flutter in my chest and my lips pulled into a smile. 

Yes, I love him. 

But I’m not in love with him.

At least, not yet.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Three Weeks Later

 

‘I’m calling a girls’ night!’ Lexi screamed. We all turned to look at her, confused. 

We were all currently in the One Direction house, sitting in the living room while the boys and us play Mario Kart. We were all in teams, couple versus couple at 3 in the afternoon. It was a restless day, doing hardly anything. 

‘What?’ I asked her.

‘A girls’ night. Y’know, staying in, movies, heart-to-hearts, stuff like that.’ She shrugged her shoulders.

‘Yeah, I know. But why?’ I asked her.

‘Because we need it!’ She gestured to Eleanor. ‘The chick’s whipped over Louis, she needs to come back to us.’ She then gestured to Cara, who Harry seems to be dating long-term. ‘Cara needs to breathe. In my opinion, Harry needs to stop with the flowers and the kissing for one night. I mean, honestly, did you know that he comes home with a rose for her? Like, honestly. Chill, Harry.’ She then gestured to Danielle. ‘And she has been with Liam for a gazillion months.’ She looked at Amy. ‘And Amy is just begging for a girls’ night.’ Then, the inevitable happens. She turned to me. ‘And Zayn’s been all over your ass since premiere, you guys need to stop the sex and the love. We’re tired of your lovey-dovey shit.’ 

‘Lexi, are you on your period?’ I asked her seriously.

‘Obviously! I need my girls tonight.’ She drawled. I sighed.

‘Well, we have no choice.’ I shrugged my shoulders. 

‘Fiiiine, but we’ll do it at like 7 or something. We have ten more rounds to go!’ Eleanor practically screamed and shoved Louis off the couch and taking his seat.

‘El!’ He shouted from the floor in a what-are-you-doing gesture.

‘Yes?’ She asked innocently before turning back to the screen.

‘You could’ve just asked nicely to take my seat. Remember what I said about being polite?’ He said in a scolding tone. She waved her hand in a ‘whatever’ gesture.

‘Yeah, yeah, follow your own advice, whazbag.’ She told him, her eyes not wavering from the screen.

‘Whazbag?’ Louis laughed. Like, not any type of laughing. The knee-slapping, wheezing kind of laughing. We all stared at him like he was an alien from another planet when he stopped abruptly. All traces of laughing gone. ‘Seriously.’ He said.

‘Louis.’ I called to him and he looked at me. 

‘Yes?’ He asked.

‘Shut up.’ I said, turning to the screen. That was when I pulled out the banana and Liam’s kart slipped over it. 

‘Nice!’ Zayn approved and we both high-fived. 

‘Jared! What are you doing!?’ Lexi screamed. ‘Jared! Oh my god! Do you even know how to play mario kart. Look out for the banana. WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING. Jared, if we lose this I swear to god I will strangle you. JARED!’

‘I am dating an idiot.’ Jared muttered and we all laughed.

‘Go, go, go! Amyyyyyy! Oh my god, give me the controller, Amy. I swear to god, only the Irish can play this properly.’ Niall shook his head slightly and took the controller of Amy.

‘Niall! Just because you’re Irish and can hold in booze like it’s food and can eat a whole cow doesn’t mean you can do everything right!’ AMy shouted.

‘HARRY EDWARD STYLES! IF YOU SLIP ON ANOTHER BANANA I WIL SHAVE YOUR CURLS OFF!’ Cara suddenly yelled and we watched as Harry slipped on another banana.

‘Ah well.’ He pulled one of his locks in front of his eyes. ‘It’s been a great 17 years with you, I hope Cara takes care of you.’ 

‘Yes, go Liam! Go Liam! Go Liaaaaam!!’ Danielle and Liam high fived each other as they drove ahead of all of us.

‘Sometimes I worry about all of you.’ I sighed as I zoomed past Liam.

 

‘Girls! it’s 7.’ Lexi announced. ‘Girls’ night!’ We all groaned as she squealed in delight. 

‘Aw come on. It’ll be fun, i promise!’ She grinned. I rolled my eyes at her. 

I don’t know why but I hat leaving Zayn. I hate not being around him. I hate to being able to not hold his hand or talk to him. I just hate it. Sure, I leave him all the time for work and all but there’s never been a time where we’re not talking. 

‘You whipped up dogs, let’s go!’ She ran around spanking our asses which caused us all to yelp and jump.

‘Lexi’s not exactly normal, is she?’ Zayn mused.

‘Try dating her.’ Jared snorted.

‘Shut up, Jar. It’s not like you can live without me and my amazingness.’ She flipped her hair conceitedly.

‘You’re not exactly a piece of cake.’ He shot back.

‘Yeah. I’m too cool to be a cake.’ She walked up to Jared and kissed his lips. We all turned away as their make out began.

‘It’s your birthday in two days.’ Zayn said. I thought about it. Oh yeah, October 12th.

‘Oh yeah. What about it?’ I asked him.

‘I’m taking you somewhere.’ He said firmly.

‘What if I don’t like this somewhere?’ I challenged. He smirked and gripped my belt loops, pulling me against his body.

‘Well too bad because you’re going to have to enjoy it.’ His kissed my collar bone. ‘No.’ He kissed my jaw. ‘Matter.’ He kissed my lips. ‘What.’ I giggled a little.

‘Oh, Zayn. Are you trying to seduce me?’ I asked him.

‘Is it working?’ He asked, giving me kissed along my jawline.

‘Of course.’ i laughed and kissed him. 

His kisses sent a chill over my body. Like the kind you feel when you drink something cold and your mouth and throat was dry. It felt good, relaxing and calming. No matter what, his kisses always made me feel so much more better.

‘Let’s go!’ Lexi yelled. I pulled away from Zayn.

‘You got to drop me off, Zayn. You drove me here.’ I reminded him and he sighed, following after me out the house.

We drove to my apartment in silence. He hummed along to the tune of every song on the radio while I stared out the window and watched the world drive by. Zayn’s hand was attached to mine the whole ride, he never let go once. There were random times when he’d look over and grin, giving me a look of admiration. 

He walked me up to my room where all the girls were walking in to. I stopped before the doorframe and turned to him.

‘See you later, Superman.’ I pecked him on the lips.

‘Bye, blues. I love you.’ He answered. I just smiled at him and went to walk into the apartment.

Sometimes it was really awkward when he told me he loved me because I can’t reply. I can’t tell him I love him until I’m sure I do. There are times when I feel like I do but then they get shut down by what I think will happen if I let myself accept it. I don’t want to get hurt the way Christian hurt me. 

Or maybe I’m just looking for excuses.

‘You didn’t say it back.’ Lexi commented once I walked in and closed the door. I sighed and looked at her.

‘No.’ I answered even though it wasn’t a question.

‘Why? It’s been three weeks, Rose.’ 

‘Because if I tell myself I love him then i will end up getting hurt.’

‘He’s not Christian, Rose. You’re hurting him by not saying it back or accepting the fact that you do. He will never hurt you, sweetie. Right now, you’re the one hurting him. We all know that you love him, you just have to know it yourself.’ She walked away from me.

Am I in love with him? I asked myself truthfully.

Yes. You’re unconditionally, completely, utterly, truly, madly, deeply in love with him. My heart told me.

 

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A/N

 

ONE OR TWO MORE CHAPTERS LEFT OMGOMG!!

 

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Mwahbebssssssss

 

-Winona

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