I'm In Lice With You

I wrote this for creative content on spinebreakers.co.uk. It's a parody, pretty much, and it's set right after the main character receives a certain text from a certain someone.


1. Joe's House


Sarah Doesn’t-Like-Beer. We need to talk. I’m free this weekend…? x

As soon as I saw Joe’s text I started planning the when, where and most importantly how. I sighed. Would this finally be the time we’re together long enough for him to say the L word? Lice?  As in, Ashley said there are tribes in South America that pick each other’s body lice and that means they’re married. Not to say that Joe and I are married yet but you never know, right?

I asked Joe to meet me at the station but he said he was busy with something and asked me to make my way to his instead. Every fibre of my being tingled with excitement at the thought of seeing my lovely Joe again. Sigh. He was so gorgeous. Negotiating the busy London streets to get to my boyfriend’s house (boyfriend – such a weird word!) made me feel uber chic and metropolitan. This was better than boring old Brighton any day of the week.

When I got there the only people I recognised were Rav and Will from Spain, who were around the television playing Xbox with some other people. Everything else was a scene of chaos. Sound effects from the video game blasted from loudspeakers and a thick mist of fog-like smoke hung in the air. I moved through the throng and went to approach Rav and Will.

“Guys, have you seen Joe around?” Will angrily stabbed the pause button on his controller.
Rav was slightly more helpful. “He’s somewhere around, Sarah.” Well, not much.
“Thanks Rav, Will.” I nodded to them and left. God, I hated Will so much. Just because he had a six pack and nice hair he thought he was God’s gift to women. I mean he was good looking and everything, but he was certainly no Joe.

“SIGH” I exclaimed loudly, gaining a few preoccupied stares in my direction. I was so overcome with my love for Joe, it was almost painful. Just then, like a mirage, he appeared in front of me with his arms around two topless girls.
I blushed furiously. What was he doing? Why were those girls half naked? “Joe,” I gasped, waiting for an explanation. Worst of all, those girls had much nicer boobs than I did.
Joe looked up with a start. He must not have noticed me. “Oh er, hi Sarah,” he said, taking his arms down to his sides instantly.
“Who are these people Joe?” I felt a lump forming in my throat at the thought of him telling me what would break my heart.
He looked either side of him. “Oh, these? They’re just friends babe, there’s no need to worry.” He spoke to me in his soft sexy voice that he only used for me. I felt better instantly. If Joe said they were just friends, then they were just friends.

“Right, then I’ll see you around, yeah? I’m uh… busy. Work stuff. You know the score, babe.” Joe licked his lips and went in another direction with the two girls, while I went to sit next to Rav and Will. They didn’t acknowledge me when I sat down on the sofa, so I cleared my throat. Nothing. All focus was on the stupid bloody video game. If they weren’t going to make conversation, I was.
“Guys, have you noticed anything strange about Joe lately?” I said. My query was carried away by the sound of grenade explosions and screams, so I followed up. “Like, I feel like he’s been acting kind of… odd.”
Rav paused the game, prompting an annoyed growl from Will. “What do you mean, Sarah?” He smiled politely.
“I dunno, I mean like he was hanging around with those girls, and they were half naked. He said nothing’s going on but I feel like guys don’t just hang around with naked girls without like, doing anything?” Tears threatened at the thought of what this could mean. I sniffed and waved them away. “I’m probably just being paranoid,” I said with a small laugh.

“Jesus Christ,” Will wailed. “He is having sex with them, idiot.” He glared meanly at me for a split second, before ordering Rav to unpause the game.
I couldn’t stop the loud, agonising cry from escaping my mouth.
“Shut up!” Will snapped at me. This only made me cry louder.
“W-w-where’s Joe,” I cried. I was full on openly weeping, like a toddler that’s lost her doll. Rav pointed to an area behind me, and I turned around. Through the blurriness of my tears, I could make out Joe with his tongue down one of the topless girls’ throats.

I approached them before I could stop myself, not knowing what I was going to say or do. I blurted the first thing that came to mind.

“WHOSE BODY LICE AM I GOING TO PICK NOW??” I howled. I couldn’t believe Joe lied to me. He was a practical stranger who I’d met on holiday and only known for like a month but I felt I could trust him. And I thought he had loved me. One time when I was watching him wake up after a night together, I had asked him if he’d take a bullet for me. He’d said “Maybe like, in the leg or something.” That was the most romantic thing anyone had ever said to me, and I knew right then and there that it was true love. Or so I’d thought.

I turned around and ran outside to the streets of London, trying to ignore the sound my heart made as it shattered in my chest.

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