So Close Yet So Far

"With all of the struggles and everything in between, I know we can overcome it all and prove anyone that ever doubted us, wrong."


28. ❥It Can't Be

 After throwing up I really knew something was wrong. This wasn't just my period effecting me anymore and I knew that just as well as Niall did.

  "We are almost there baby," Niall placed his hand on my thigh and ran his thumb up and down.

  The longer it took to get there I gradually started to feel worse which I didn't even think was possible. Although it has gotten colder I am beyond sure whatever is going on is something more than the flu or your average stomach bug. I have never just thrown up, ever.

  Thankfully twenty minutes later Niall pulls into the doctors parking lot and quickly got me out and into the building.

  "Hello welcome to Premiere Pediatrics what is the name?" The lady at the front desk asks me but Niall steps in to answer. "Sydney.. Sydney Holland. I called this morning and scheduled her for an appointment at two." He states and waits for her to say that I am in the system.

  "Ok, great!" She says I guess meaning that she found me. Her blonde hair is teased into a bump on the front of her head and to this day I will never understand why receptionists always have acrylic nails and teased hair. The sound her nails make as she types on her keyboard makes me cringe.

  She prints something and places it on a clipboard and then hands it to me, "Just fill all of this information out since this is your first visit and Doctor Young will be with you shortly!" She warmly smiles.

  I look around and take a seat by a lady with a new born. It is a boy and he's content and peacefully sleeping as his mother holds his pacifier in his mouth for him while he makes a sucking noise. "Cute, right?" Niall whispers obviously catching me staring at the tiny baby.

  "Very," I lightly giggle and take my purse off of my shoulder and place it on the floor and start filling out all of this paper work.

  As I do so more and more people continue to file into the doctors office. Whining babies, crying two year olds, and soon I can not take anymore of it. "Ni.. I.. I think I'm gonna.." I try to say without gagging.

  "Just calm down Syd," He looks at me worriedly and I know Niall seeing me in this state is killing him more than I could ever imagine.

  I finish filling out my social security number and insurance and get up to hand the clip board back to the receptionist. "Thank you," She takes it from me and just as I am about to sit down again Doctor Young bursts through the door, "Sydney?" He looks around and meets my eyes. I smile once again feeling out of place with the amount of sick and crying kids that are in the room now.

  I pick up my purse and Niall grabs my hand and Doctor Young leads us into the 'Giraffe room'. "I am guessing you aren't from here then?" He chuckles and I look up at Niall aggravated as ever. "No I go to TCD. We're from Mullingar." I giggle at Niall's mistake. He made me an appointment at a childrens doctor, not a young adults doctor office.

  "Oops.." His eyes widen at the realization of what he did and he scratches the back of his neck.

  "That is A Ok though. It happens all of the time especially with college students that aren't from the area," Doctor Young reassures.

  "So Ms Sydney whats been going on?" He asks.

  "Well, I have been really sick for the past couple of days and at first I was positive my period was coming but my stomach gradually started to hurt worse in a way my cramps have never felt before so I thought I had some kind of stomach bug like the flu or something," I continue, "But just this afternoon before we came here we rode down the elevator and I got the urge to throw up, and did." I finally get everything out sighing from relief.

  He nods and writes down my symptoms. "Hmm.. ok.. well it surely does sound like you have some type of virus.. Or it could be a mix of your menstrual cycle coming and a cold which can sometimes in most cases make your hormones act all crazy," Doctor Young tells us and Niall and I nod at the same time.

  "So what I am going to do is swab the sides of your cheeks and your throat to check for a virus and then give you a cup to urine in so that we can check for a UTI as well. Then we will run some tests and see what is going on with you today Ms Holland." He smiles and grabs two cotton swabs out of a glass container and swabs exactly my cheeks and throat and then he hands me a cup.

  I smile and grab it from him then walk out of the room and to the bathroom to pee inside of a cup for the first time. Once I'm finished I place it into an opening in the wall that is made especially for you to place your urine cups in and leave the bathroom.


 Niall and I wait for over an hour for the results to come back and in that time we sat quietly together on the little bed that was obviously made for children. He squeezed my hand in reassurance and repeatedly told me that the results would come back fine and everything was going to be ace, but I had a gut feeling that something just wasn't right with me.

  I had my head laid on Niall's shoulder as he ran his thumb up and down my hand just like he had done to my leg in the car. 

  "I can not believe you actually got me an appointment at a childrens doctor," I weakly giggled. I was far to tired by now and I just wanted the results to come back already so that Niall and I could go pick up whatever medicine I needed at the pharmacy and he could take me back to my dorm and fix me some hot soup.

  That is what I dearly wanted at the moment and thankfully Doctor Young had come back into the room now. "M..Ms Holland..I think it's best we transfer you over to the OBGYN unit of the hospital." As I realize what he is saying my eyes grow wide and I can't seem to find my voice.

  "What..?" My voice cracks as I sound as annoyed as ever because he can't even grab the right paper work and I am beyond ready to get out of this place.

  "Sydney, I believe you are pregnant.." He spills. I squint my eyes at him and knit my eyebrows together in complete and utter shock.

  Everything around me seems as if it is in slow motion now and I can no longer feel my fingers as they start to shake and my palms start to sweat.

  I profoundly shake my head at him. He has to be wrong. Surely he brought back the wrong test results because those aren't mine, they can't be mine. I do not have a baby growing inside of me right now.. I just.. don't.

  " have t..the wrong results," I stammer still in disbelief. He shakes his head no and that is when tears start to brim my eyes. "NO! You are lying to me!" I start to raise my voice and point at him but remember that he is the doctor and he is obviously looking at my paperwork at the moment.

  Niall doesn't say a word. He doesn't move or talk, nothing. "I..I will leave you two to discuss this then," He quietly says and leaves the room.

  "WHY AREN'T YOU SAYING ANYTHING TO ME? WHY ARE YOU JUST SITTING THERE, HUH?" I yell at Niall. Hot salty tears start to pour from my eyes at the realization that I am actually pregnant right now. Meaning I am so done with college and my life is over.

  I think back to the night Niall and I had sex and force myself to believe that he was wearing a condom, but my subconscious knows that is not the case and takes over my mind again bringing me back to reality.

  Not only is my dad going to kill me he is going to be beyond disappointed in me and I don't think I am ready to handle what is going to come from that. I can not be pregnant. That is just not what is wrong with me.. oh but it is.

  "TALK TO ME GOD DAMN IT!" I jump up from the bed and scream at him this time and now my tears have blurred my vision causing me to no longer see the blank expression Niall carries on his face.

  Instead of walking out of the room he silently walks up to me and hugs me. He hugs me as tight as he possibly can and now I can feel his tears hit the back of my shirt turning it a darker grey than it already was. Niall reaches up and wipes his nose with the back of his hand.

  "There.. there is actually a baby inside of me right now..." I put my hand on my stomach and begin to cry again, but this time he stops me.

  "Sydney, no. We can not just cry about this it is all our fault. We had sex unprotected because we are stupid teenagers that got drunk and caught up in the moment. There is no crying about this, okay baby?" Niall wipes away the streaming tears that still manage to fall even though I know he his right one hundred percent.

  We were possibly the two dumbest teenagers that night. Out of everything, drunk or not, how the hell could we forget a condom? I sniff and clean my face up then turn to the side and raise up my shirt to look at my belly in the full length mirror that sits on the wall.

  I have gained more weight since the last time I actually took some time out of my day to look at my body in the mirror and notice how much it had already begun to change right in front of my eyes and I hadn't even noticed.

  "I am going to me a mummy." I can't believe I am actually saying those words right now. Mummy. I am going to have a little kid running around where ever the hell Niall and I decide to buy an apartment calling me mummy and there is no stopping this pregnancy now. I'm pretty sure I am already to far along to even consider abortion since I am obviously in the morning sickness stages of the pregnancy.

  I would not even consider that though. I think of it as if Niall and I are 'grown' enough to have unprotected sex we are 'grown' enough to suffer the consequences that follow. I have no idea what I am going to tell my dad. What Niall is going to tell his parents or better yet do about his job, and most importantly I do not have a clue as to what I am going to tell Shelby.

  I know for sure I am going to have to leave college and that is what disappoints me the most. I was such a careless idiot and didn't have enough dignity for myself at the time to think about what I was getting myself into and even when the time comes that I do have this baby I will beat myself up over that.

  Niall and I carelessly got drunk and we carelessly had sex. Stupid.

  "Merry Christmas to us." He whispers and runs his fingers through his hair for the thousandth time.

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