Im still an innocent.

Based on a favourite song of mine.
'Lost your balance on a tightrope, never too late to get it back.'


1. I guess you really did it this time.

I sat up in the bed, staring at the bleak lifeless walls, and the small pot of flowers on the window sill, and the worn down prickly carpet that itched your feet with every step. I guess you really did it this time I breathed out quietly, Left yourself in the war path. I tried to push myself up into a sitting position, but my arms collapsed under my weight, and I fell back onto the mattress, staring up at the stickers on the ceiling. I didn't want to be here right now. I didn't want to feel this way or be in this position. I just lost my balance after trying to hold onto all the loose ends. I tried to keep everything on top of me. College, friends, family, work. I tried, but in the end I just lost my balance on the tight rope, then I lost my mind trying to get it back.

The door opened and in walked a nurse, with a white tray of food and drink. I reached out and with a struggle gripped the edges of the plastic and lowered it into my lap. Sat on a paper plate was a cheese sandwich, an apple and a handful of grapes along with my daily handful of different pills. Seeing this simple effortless meal sat staring at me, I thought back to primary school. Wasn't it easier in your lunch box days? The days when you were anticipating lunch time, or break, when you could open the plastic box and see what food you had packed for that day. There was normally, for me: a sandwich, a piece of fruit, a chocolate bar and either a yoghurt or some cheese. always a bigger bed to crawl into. But it wasn't just the lunch that made them days perfect.  Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything, and everybody believed in you? The worst pain you would feel is a graze on the knee, or if your friend said they didn't want to share their animal crackers, or if you ran out of crayons whilst midway through a picture. You always so the world so clear, and now you just life trying to find out what it was you actually saw.

'You need to take your tablets now' the nurse said as she walked back out into reception. There wasn't a smile or a slight sense of caring. I pushed the plate away onto the bedside table, and closed my eyes.

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