KIller Cow: Part 1

A story about a cow with wheels for back legs. See more at


1. Killer Cow: Part 1


Farmer Jones needed a new cow, his old one was getting shit, it's milk was shit, it's steaks were shit, it's horns were shit. He decided to trade in the old cow for a new one at the cow store.

As Farmer Jones approached the cow store the next morning he saw a raven circling the store, he thought nothing of it, but the old cow stopped dead in it's tracks and mooed fearfully, Jones dragged him into the store thinking she just had a bad case of the bitches and set him before the cow store owner. "This cow's very old." Said the owner

"Yes" Said Jones "But she cool."

"Hmm." Mused the clerk, chewing some corn "Yeah, I'll buy her, ten pence"

"Marvellous." Cried Jones and began looking at cows "These are all more then 10p."

"I've got one that is just 50p, follow me, child". The cow shop owner led Farmer Jones through a dark tunnel in his shop and threw back a curtain at the end of the tunnel to reveal the most hideous cow ever beheld by mankind and Farmer Jones had seen many a hideous cow in his lifetime, such as his wife, dumb cow.

"His name's Killer Cow, isn't he a beauty?"

"That's a her." Corrected Farmer Jones "She has tits, I know this 'cause I'm a farmer." The cow was not a beauty, at all, it had two beady, blood red eyes, on it's face someone had drawn a crude pentagram in crayon and it had horns, even though it was a girl (fuck you, girl cows can have horns) but the most striking thing about her was that instead of back legs, she had......... WHEELS! Two huge wheelchair wheels stood there instead of back legs. Farmer Jones looked the cow up and down. It's was an ugly thing, but then again, it was only 50p. "I'll take him!" He said punching the air

"It's a her, and calm down." Said the clerk, her turned towards the cash register, the turned back "There's one thing you need to know, Mr.Jones."

"What's that?" Enquired the farmer

"It's that you need to keep this cow locked up when you go to bed and for God's sake, keep her away from the other cows, that's important." The clerk warned, looking darkly at the cow's wheels. Farmer Jones thought nothing of this and took his cow home. As it walked it made a strange noise, sort of a THUMP THUMP squeaky squeaky THUMP THUMP squeaky squeaky. This kind of annoyed Jones, but he thought little of it.

****JONES Part 2

"What on Earth is that?" Squawked Mrs.Jones, Farmer Jones' vegetarian wife, as they stood eating lunch in the tomato field

"It's a cow dear, his name's Killer" Sighed Jones "I'm going to put him in the chicken shed."

"Why the chicken shed." Asked his vegetarian wife.

"Because she needs to go in the chicken shed for the plot to develop" Replied Jones. Killer Cow mooed and tried to eat some grass.

That night Farmer Jones left Killer Cow in the chicken shed and locked the door. When he came down the next morning, he saw the chickens had laid no eggs and were all huddled in one corner. Stupid birds. Thought Farmer Jones, drop kicking one in the air. "Scared of a cow with wheels."

Jones moved Killer Cow to the field, THUMP THUMP squeaky squeaky. She went as he led her into the cow enclosure.

That night, realising that Killer Cow scared the chickens, Farmer Jones put her into the pig den and locked the door. When he came down the following morning, he opened the pig door and realised the pigs had made no bacon. "Eredellyns." He cursed and led Killer Cow back to the cow field THUMP THUMP squeaky squeaky went the cow as she was led to the field. Farmer Jones would've been angry, but he was going to a party that night, where he would get fucked, smoke crack and eat burgers for THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE! So he was thinking nothing of the stupid wheeled animal.

However it was at this night, that his life changed forever, in his haste to get to the party he put Killer Cow in with the other cows and neglected to lock the cow barn door. Shiiiiiiiiiiiit!

Farmer Jones was lying in bed at 3.00 AM the next morning, his belly full of burgers and farmer's cider and heard a thump downstairs and a strange squeaking sound, he thought nothing of it.

"Is that that fucking wheeled cow again." Moaned Mrs.Jones, the vegetarian.

"Mmf, go back to sleep." Murmered Farmer Jones, but just then he heard the faintest THUMP squeaky squeaky.

Farmer Jones thought nothing of it, but again he heard, a louder THUMP THUMP squeaky squeaky.

"Ah shit." Thought Farmer Jones. "I left the cowshed open." But he was hungover and the burgers were making him drowsy, so he let himself drift back to sleep.

Just as he closed his eyes he was awoken by another, even louder THUMP THUMP squeaky squeaky. This time he bolted up in his bed.

"She's coming." Whispered Farmer Jones to his wife

"Who's coming de-" Mrs.Jones was cut off as the whole house shook THUMP THUMP squeaky squeaky.

"She's here."

"Yes I am!" Mooed Killer Cow.

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