Balancing Deviance: Land of Confusion

The first thing i say is "Think wizard of Oz... Okay it's nothing like that"

Balancing Deviance is the story where 19 year old Baz Campbell finds himself thrown into a fantasy world for no reason whatsoever after a car crash that he believes killed his friend Mary.

If that wasn't bad enough he is immediately accused of stealing a great magical & of course mysterious artefact punishable by death. So on the run Baz meets new friends to help derail his very often silly journey to get home.

Is Baz really in another world maybe dead, crazy, hallucinating or just plain old dreaming as he explores this new world where myth and fantasy isn't quite what he didn't read about in books & almost every question could be answered with magic.

This story is written in a script format, so be warned but it just means you will have you to use your imagination just a little bit more.

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FADE IN:

 

EXT. HILLY WOODS - DAY

 

BAZ, TANYA & SEAN are walking up a hill, Baz stops to look back at the town they’ve just visited thinking to him self.

 

TANYA

Are you alright?

 

BAZ

Yea, I'm just thinking how surreal

all of this is.  Why am I here?

 

FADE TO:

 

INT. STUDENT BAR TOILETS - NIGHT - 1991 AD

 

Baz, vandalises the urinal with his piss & downs his pint.

 

BAZ

AHHhhhh.

 

Euphoria in progress, he scratches his hair & beard to wake him self with his other hand still downing the pint to look at the bottom of the glass to see writing on the wall.

 

BAZ

Why are – you - reading this?  The joke is in

your hand -- huh?  The joke is in my--  Son of a--

 

Baz looks down.  Annoyed he zips up & leaves the toilets.

 

INT. STUDENT BAR - NIGHT

 

The student bar is rundown dive with ripped seats & a pool table missing cueballs.  The jukebox plays songs stuck a decade in the past waiting to be forgotten.

Baz arrives at the bar finding TWO Jocks modelling kid’s clothes emphasising their muscles while they chuckle with eyes fixed on Baz as if he’s the joke.  The STUDENT BARTENDER also wearing tight clothing joins the joke with a cocky smile for Baz.

   

STUDENT BARTENDER

Canna see ya I.D please?

 

BAZ

You’re kidding right?

 

STUDENT BARTENDER

I need some I.D.

 

The two Jocks snigger.

 

BAZ

Not on me, not like I’ve ever needed one while

desolating my liver here for several months?

 

The student bartender pours a pint about to pass it to Baz before drinking it himself, the sniggering doesn’t end.

 

BAZ

(To himself)

Let him have his little laugh,

be patient just go with the flow.

 

STUDENT BARTENDER

I can’t serve ya without--

 Lets see ya student card then.

 

Baz frustrated shows the Bartender his student card with an embarrassing photo of him.  The Bartender snatches it and passes it to his friends who all burst into laughter.

 

STUDENT BARTENDER

Naw not good enough how ‘bout ya dorm keys?

 

BAZ

You want to know where I sleep?

 

STUDENT BARTENDER

Sure why not?

 

Baz reaching his rage limit ready to walk but he won’t give them the satisfaction.  MARY a short and cute black haired girl arrives soaking wet unaware of the TENSION brooding.

 

BAZ

Sorry I’m late, one of the girls wanted to tape

something on the VCR but we didn’t have

a TV guide for the code, so then

I had to –- Uh what’s going on?

 

BAZ

We’ll see soon.

 

The student Bartender changes his attitude with Mary’s presence and pours Baz a drink.

 

STUDENT BARTENDER

Imma messin’ with ya it’s on me!

 

The bartender serves Baz who’s hesitating at first to drink it yet thinking the pint may have been SPIKED, but a free drink is a free drink to him.

 

BAZ

I hope it doesn’t have aids in it?

 

Baz has a taste.  The bartender embarrassed as his friends now start laughing at him instead. 

 

JOCK

Ya did wanna know where he sleeps!

 

ENRAGED he throws his cloth and walks around the bar to Baz.  The Bar goes quiet as he stands toe to toe with Baz.  

Mary and others back away while the bartender’s friend’s stand up for support as they clearly see who has the height advantage as he presses his forehead hard against Baz’s.

 

BAZ

What, can’t take a joke?

 

Before Baz can even walk away victorious, the bartender GRABS his hoodie and gives him a GLASSGOW KISS.

 

MARY

BAZ!!!

 

Baz stumbles back knocking a table that spills drinks over the girl’s dresses making them SHRIEK yet Baz with skill manages not to spill his own drink in the attack.  Baz holds his head in pain using his pint as an ice bag.

 

BAZ

Ugh -- you could've spilt that.  

 

The Bartender and jocks approach Baz FAST as he readies himself for the fight however Mary has plans for an escape.

 

MARY

Forget it Baz!

 

Mary grabs Baz’s collar as she leads barging students out of the way.  Baz still carrying his pint grabs his coat.

 

BARTENDER

Get back ‘ere ya little shite!

 

The bartender GRABS Baz’s coat as he’s passing through the door way stopping them.  Baz turns and KICKS the door into the bartender’s face, letting go of the coat and stumbling into the jocks. 

 

BARTENDER

Argh!!!

 

EXT. STUDENT CAR PARK - NIGHT

 

They exit the building with the only sign of life are the Stoners in the heavy rain.

 

MARY

Get in!

 

They run to Mary’s FIAT PANDA, she panics to find her keys.

 

BAZ

Why does this always happen to me?

 

Mary goes for her keys panicking.

 

MARY

To you!?!  You prick why would you start

a fight with a drunken homophobic jock!?!

 

The doors unlocked they get in.

 

BAZ

He was drunk?

 

MARY

YES!  Why would you say such a thing!?!

 

BAZ

I don’t know?  It just kinda slipped out

but if I intended to call him gay,

I would’ve at least mentioned his kiddie clothes.

 

Mary starts the ENGINE, no time for seat belts.

 

MARY

THINK!  Before you SPEAK!!!

 *sigh*  Are you hurt?

 

BAZ

The pint’s fine.

 

Mary desperately wanting to drive off but Baz’s stupidity has forced her to BATTER him instead.

 

MARY

What did I just sa--

 

A BIN is thrown into the windshield of the car, CRACKING the glass.  Mary shields herself screaming whereas Baz shields his pint.  Jocks break the windows with metal pipes found in a skip.  One of them tries pulling Baz out opening the door.

 

BAZ

PISS OFF!!!

 

Another Jock tries to get into Mary’s side, but she locks the door, he SMASHES the door window and pulls on her hair.  Baz struggles to keep his door shut.  Mary gets into gear and speeds off with the jock ripping a clump of hair off.

 

INT. FIAT PANDA (MOVING) - NIGHT

 

Mary drives out of campus and onto the main road with Baz’s jock desperately trying to hold on.  Baz GLASSES the Jock in the face with his pint allowing him to let go.  

 

BAZ

(Sadden)

My pint?

 

Mary notices the Jock missing as she speeds up to forty.

 

MARY

Oh my god!  He’s not dead is he?

 

They check the mirrors seeing him get RAN over by a car.

 

BAZ

Um, before or after?

 

Both have taken their eyes off the road as a truck’s lights and horn grab their attention.  The truck’s light’s blinds them both as they shield their eyes with their arms before the inevitable near impact to happen.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. CASTLE - NIGHT

 

The impact doesn’t happen and the lights go away Baz uncovers his eyes to find that he is in a castle instead and directly in front of him is an empty stand.  

 

BAZ

Huh - Mary!?!  Where the--

 

He hears dozens of GUNS cocking behind him; he slowly turns around with his hands up high for surrender.

 

BAZ

O-Kay?

 

He finds what he can only think can be historic soldiers in unfamiliar uniforms positioned like a firing squad.  One man in his late twenties is overly dressed as a fat ROYAL with matching cape while oozing with confidence.  

 

PRINCE

How dare you, how dare you

have your back turned against me!?!

 

Baz confused looks around for clues.

 

BAZ

WHAT TH-- How the fuck did I-- Eh?

 

PRINCE

SILENCE THEIF!  You’ve cunningly devoured

a Despedir potion erasing all mind of your mission

that must be why my inquiry spell has no vigour over you?

 

BAZ

I don’t understand?

 

PRINCE

Who dispatched thou!?!

 

BAZ

I’m not a package!  I don’t even

know how I got--  wherever here is?

 

PRINCE

Play ignorant if you wish but I know very well

that you came here to embezzle the forbidden key!

 

BAZ

The what now?

 

PRINCE

The forbidden key that my father the King

of these  lands has had locked away in secret

assigning me his son prince Moran as Sentinel.

 

BAZ

Uh, Good for you?  But what

does this have to do with me?

 

Baz looks back at the EMPTY STAND again.

 

BAZ

Oh no wait you don’t think I--

 

PRINCE

Catching you inside the Forbidden key’s chamber

with the artefact’s own lack of presence

can only conclude that you are the thief!

 

BAZ

This is a dream right--

 

PRINCE

Silence!!!

 

BAZ

NO!  I sure as hell haven't stolen any daft

named key, it was like that when I got here, so I’ll--

 

Baz attempts to slide past the riflemen who keep aim.

 

PRINCE

STOP!!!  punishment in conspiracy

to steal the key is death!

 

BAZ

Oh, you don’t say?

 

The squad ready to FIRE as Baz squirms. An EXPLOSION occurs wiping out majority of the Riflemen.  Baz makes an escape.

 

PRINCE

Hmm, a back up plan, I’ve clearly

underestimated -- Make him perish!

 

INT. CASTLE HALLWAY - NIGHT

 

Clueless on where to run so he just keeps on running, shielding himself whenever an explosion goes off nearby.  Baz runs into a smoke filled room being BLINDED & SMASHES through a window FALLING out of the castle while more bombs go off but that’s the least of his problems.

 

Baz

OH SHIIIIT!!!

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. CASTLE ROOM - NIGHT

 

The smoke filled room clears due to the shattered window that Baz broke. The prince enters to witnesses the damage.

 

PRINCE

*Laughs* Victory is mine!  No man alive

can survive from my dominion.  Recover

the key from the carcass at once.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. CASTLE - NIGHT

 

Baz PLUMMETING from the highest tower is rescued by a Phoenix, Baz is treated to a landscape like nothing he has ever seen a vast city built into the mountain range.  Houses and factories sprouting fire are pumping out pollution creating thick black storm clouds.

Canals and steam train networks, carriages filled of raw minerals speed through the mountain tunnels as if going around the mountains would be too much of a hassle.

Train bridges crosses over giant MINE HOLES that derange the landscape but that doesn’t stop anyone from building a house around the edges or into the holes with what little space they’ve got in this cramped mining city.    Five floors tall steam powered DUMP TRUCKS rumble by homes structurally damaging them with vibrations.    

 

BAZ

Holy shit!  That git really

did spike my drink!?!

 

The phoenix quickly starts to burn Baz who screams in pain trying not to touch the bird like its reversal hot potato. Baz holds on tight trying to ignore the pain.

 

BAZ

ARGH-HA-HA!!!

 

Eventually the legendary flaming bird notices Baz & looks at him becoming PETRIFIED dying from shock burning up into ashes leaving only an EGG behind.  As both drop out of the sky.  Baz who continues to scream in horror that he is yet again falling to his death.

 

BAZ

ARGHHH!!!

 

The Egg begins to hatch and outcomes a brand new BABY PHEONIX which sprawls its wings and continues to fly away.

 

BAZ

Oh, no you don’t!

 

Baz grabs the little bugger’s legs but being only a baby they both continue to fall.  The Phoenix has yet another heart attack & burns up again into an even smaller egg. 

 

EXT. MINE HOLE LAKE - NIGHT

 

Baz splash lands into the dirty lake, resurfacing he spits out it's vile taste.  Bubbles surface in front followed by a something jumping out of the water scarring him.

 

BAZ

AHHHHHHH--  Oh it’s just a log.

 

Exhausted he doggy paddles out the black water as he barely tries to comprehend to what’s going on.

 

BAZ

It’s just a trip - a bad trip --

I’m in a fucking nightma--

 

Suddenly the Phoenix egg CRASHES into Baz’s head knocking him out and the egg shatter like pottery.  The phoenix springs to life and flies away like nothing has happened.

 

DISSOLVE TO:

 

EXT. CITY STREETS - NIGHT

 

Baz wonders the cities cobbled streets, with high pavement for mounting on horses and Trains passing by overhead.  The buildings are old in design similar to that of Victorian despite no short supply of electricity.  Baz soaking wet yet, is being STARED at by the locals who lock up.  Flying above him are blimps with spotlights.

 

BAZ

This is freaky.  Why is this-- 

 

He SLAPS his cheeks to try and wake himself up.

 

BAZ

Ok check, I’m not dreaming

but I’m not in Kansas anymore --

Not that I was there in the first place

 

Baz slaps his face again even HARDER for good measure.  He takes a look around to see if anything has changed.

 

BAZ

Wait if I’m aware that I’m dreaming

shouldn't I wake up or am I in a coma?

 Damn I must be tripping balls from that pint!

 

He shudders from the raining cold.

 

BAZ

I need to get dry; there must be a

designated hobo area somewhere?

 

He hears troops marching so he quickly hides behind some bins.  An announcement from the blimp is broadcasted.  

 

AIRSHIP CAPTAIN

Civilian’s, the city is now under Curfew,

please return to your homes for your own

safety & listen to your radio for further updates.

 

The civilians on the streets gasp and start to hurry home.

 

BAZ

I need to get off the streets fast--

Think - think -- Hello there?

 

The streets become barren, he sees TANYA leaning on a wall hidden away on a sheltered corner from the rain.  She pulls down her large scarf revealing her face so she can eat her ice cream as to not care for the polluted air or rain but to enjoy the simpler things in life.

 

BAZ

Can’t be a dream without a hot--

 

Baz see soldiers & sharply moves towards Tanya without looking obvious that he’s running away.  The soldiers spread encircling them. She notices Baz coming at her & the soldiers following him.

 

BAZ

Please, you need to help me!

 

TANYA

*Sigh* Can you come back later, I’m having a break.

 

He grabs her arm.

 

BAZ

Come on please, I’m desperate!

 

TANYA

Yea, I can tell but that doesn’t

mean I will take extra.

 

BAZ

They’re trying to kill me!

 

TANYA

Yea whatever, Let go of me -- Now!

 

BAZ

Oh shit, shit, shit!

 

Baz FORCES him self onto Tanya kissing her with tongues for genuine effect that she’s his girl without question.  Tanya tries to get her breath back by BEATING on his chest.  The close is clear as the soldiers walk past letting Baz to disengage from her.

 

BAZ

Did it work, are they gone?

 

He notices she is VERY displeased.  Baz’s bright idea has resulted with Tanya’s ice cream being crushed against her BREASTS & now he can’t stop staring at her wet top.

 

BAZ

Crap, I’m so sorry, let me lick that off you--

I mean grope that--  I mean -- Fuck! -- No not that!

 

Tanya FURIOUS & even without blinking a CAT SCRATCH appears on Baz’s face, he blinks in confusion even wondering if something had just happened.

 

BAZ

Huh?  This ain’t my day is it?

 

Baz drops to the floor unconscious, the girl SNIFFS him.

 

TANYA

You smell odd, what have you

been smoking?  Ah pay dirt.

 

Tanya goes into his pockets, stealing whatever she can find.  She finds some tissues giving her self a clean before going for his wallet. Her fabric CAT EARS twitch as she hears thunder.  The rain changes to black due to the pollution.  

She gets up & goes back into shelter opening up his wallet but she can’t find any money that she can recognise.  She’s about to walk away throwing his wallet but Baz GROANS, she looks back at his bleeding face trickling in the black rain helpless in his strange clothes.

She goes up to him and pulls his hood over his head from the rain.  Crouching over his unconscious body she smells something delightful as she finds Tobacco on him.   Being a curious cat she can’t help looking deeper, under his clothes she sees the damage he’s been through, cuts, scars, his bloody clothes from the mess he’s just been through.

 

TANYA

You weren't lying.

 

She hears another patrol walking towards her again who see her robbing Baz.  She frowns at their presence and then looks back at Baz.

 

TANYA

It’s not a good idea--

But she would had one it.

 

SOLDIERS

You there halt!

 

TANYA

You better thank me for this.

 

Despising the soldiers she decides to help Baz up and drags him off with her arm around him, the soldiers approach her.

 

TANYA

He’s alright he just slipped --You’ve had

a little too much haven’t you?  Yes you have.

 

SOLDIER

Go home before we shoot you &

your friend for breaking curfew.

 

Tanya is annoyed by his brutish fashion.

 

TANYA

Hey what’s that?  A deviant?

 

SOLDIER

WHERE!?!

 

The soldier panics whipping out his gun pointing at anything.  Tanya walks off amused

 

SOLDIER 2

Smooth sir.

 

SOLDIER

I wasn’t scared, besides deviants don’t come

out to this city, they can’t handle all the pollution.

 

TANYA

That’s what they say.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. CASTLE RUINS - NIGHT

 

The prince is still trying to think as the black rain pours as he struts up and down the path thinking.

 

LIEUTENANT

Sire.

 

PRINCE

Not now, I’m trying to -- Wait --

No I bereaved it, what do you want!

 

LIEUTENANT

Sire, I took the liberty to contact

bounty hunters in the local area.

 

PRINCE

You took the reverie right out of my psyche

so bring them forth I wish to instruct.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. TANYA'S FLAT - NIGHT

 

The girl’s place is barren & simple.  She lives only on the essentials except for the large wardrobe, her place has no identity or any form of attachment.  She is wearing a maid’s uniform and is looming over Baz KICKING him until he wakes up. 

 

TANYA

Wake up, & for the love of the gods stop

touching your self!  Get up you have to go!

 

BAZ

Huh?  How did I -- Oh I hope

this is not becoming a habit?

 

TANYA

Is that all you can say,

I saved your life remember!

 

BAZ

You did?  That’s not how I remember it?

 

Baz gets up but there is a KNOCK on the door.

 

TANYA

Crap, if he-- Get in there!

 

She points to her wash basket.

 

BAZ

Uh?

 

TANYA

How’s your face?

 

BAZ

Well it’s--

 

She PUNCHES Baz in the nose; he falls into a wash basket.

 

BAZ

Ow!  My nose.

 

She crams him in with repeated foot to testicles technique, shutting the lid she dumps some dirty dishes on it weighing it down so he can’t escape.

 

BAZ

Hey let me out!  I think I've 

taken enough crap for today.

 

TANYA

Don’t say a word!  I took a risk

bringing you in here alright!

 

BAZ

Pfft, it’s so cramped in here.

 

TANYA

I said shush!

 

She opens the door to find a nervous fat man.

 

CUSTOMER

Tanya?

 

TANYA

Its best we don’t get attached,

call me whatever takes your fancy,

have you got the entrance fee?

 

The customer shows Tanya money so she lets him in.

 

CUSTOMER

I heard voices, are we alone?

 

TANYA

Oh I was just--  Uh, role playing for you.

 

CUSTOMER

Kinky.

 

She THRUSTS him on to the bed.

 

TANYA

Now what do I do with you tall,

dark and -- *gulp* handsome

 

The customer takes off his top showing his body flab distressing her for a world of regret.

 

CUSTOMER

Call me pudding.

 

TANYA

Hang on there pudding,

put this blind fold on first.

 

She throws the blind fold to him.

 

PUDDING

Why a blind fold?

 

TANYA

It’s like eating blind; it opens

up a whole new experience.

 

PUDDING

I like to eat and you

look mighty tasty.

 

TANYA

*Despaired laughter* thank you.

 

Baz barely can see pass the small gap as she puts the blind fold on pudding avoiding his greasy hair.  Baz stays quiet.

 

BAZ

Well this wasn’t what I hoped,

ah well better make the most of it.

 

Baz tries to make some more room and finds knickers.

 

BAZ

Sweeeet.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. CASTLE RUIN - NIGHT

 

The prince inspects the THREE bounty hunters, an ELF "KENNETH" having a guise of reserved samurais & with plenty of weapons.  A young war torn COWBOY HUMAN "CONRAD", his clothes appear to be hand-me-downs.  His hair is spiked down past his eyes & has a long wrapped pony tail.  He wears a Mechanical GAUNTLET.

The last is a 9ft brutish OGRE "ROKA", wearing a long leather coat & matching hat to conceal him self from the fearful public.  He holds a HUGE PACKAGE that is even bigger than him.

 

PRINCE

Time is an issue so Listen up you obnoxious

slayers your bounty is young, silver haired,

five foot six human wearing unfashionable clothing.

 

CONRAD

I take it he blew up the castle?

 

PRINCE

Not only that but also stolen a great

magical artefact the forbidden key!  

 

KENNETH

How do we know if he has this--

 

ROKA

I’ve neva ‘eard of it till now.

 

PRINCE

You’ll know once you’ve got it.  

Now go, I have business to do!

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. TANYA'S FLAT - NIGHT

Baz smells the underwear, while Tanya and the blinded Pudding get it going.  Baz FARTS disrupting the moment.

 

PUDDING

What was that?

 

TANYA

*Giggles* I’m a dirty girl.

 

Tanya uses her free leg to kick Baz in the basket.

 

BAZ

Ow.

 

Pudding confused.  Tanya quickly reacts.

 

TANYA

Ow, You’re prickly down there,

kiss my finger better-- Eh won't you?

 

She puts her finger in his mouth but he sucks on it for too long worrying her as she pulls away with disgust & drool.  

 

TANYA

Urgh, ready for some comfort food?

 

She pulls out a PILL to send him to sleep but Pudding starts to weep.

 

TANYA

What’s wrong?

 

She rubs gently on his back while he weeps.

 

PUDDING

Can you pretend to be my mummy?

 

TANYA

Eh!?!

 

PUDDING

Pleeeease!

 

Pudding BEAR HUGS Tanya, she drops the pill.

 

TANYA

Um, this isn’t that type of--

What did I say about not getting attached

 

CUSTOMER

It’s been a terrible day mummy, feed me!

 

Tanya starts to loose her concentration as she struggles to breathe being crushed by his arms.  She waves her arm’s about to find something to help pull her self out.  Baz can’t see & tries to move the basket for a better view.   He notices a TAIL emerge under Tanya’s maid’s skirt.

 

TANYA

Get off ya giant tur-- I can’t--

 

Baz not believing what he sees JUMPS out pointing at her tail while covered in underwear with his trousers down wearing his boxers.

 

BAZ

WHOA!?!  

 

Both of Tanya’s CAT EAR’S pop out of her head.  Pudding alarmed takes off his blindfold seeing the ears & tail.  Letting go of her in FRIGHT, he jumps out of bed.

 

PUDDING

D-D-Deviant!!!

 

TANYA

No wait it’s a costume!  

Just like the one your mum used to wear?

 

Pudding scared runs away with his trouser around his ankles making him fall over a lot.  Baz is still shocked.

 

TANYA

What the hell did you do that for!?!

I was about to drug him!

 

BAZ

My dreams aren’t this messed up!

 

Tanya pushes Baz back into the basket furiously.

 

TANYA

Dreaming what are you on about?  

You’ve just gotten us both killed,

he's going to tell everyone & start a mob--

Wait we’re you jerking off in there!?!

 

BAZ

Uh no--

 

Tanya kicks Baz in the leg.

 

BAZ

Ow!  Why you do that?

 

TANYA

To prove you’re not dreaming!

 

BAZ

You’re supposed to pinch me!

 

TANYA

Well If I’m going to die I want

something to slow them down.

 

Tanya changes behind a curtain quickly, Baz looks away.

 

BAZ

Why would they kill me?

 

TANYA

Assisting an unregistered deviant is

asking for--  Why am I explaining this

to you & why aren’t you freaking out!?!

 

Tanya goes to grab a bag and starts packing, her bag seems too small to fit all the clothes & shoes she puts in but magically it does.

 

BAZ

What!?!  Why didn’t you say that--

 

TANYA

You were unconscious besides I didn’t want you

or anyone finding out, if you just had stayed quiet

he would be asleep and you could've left!

 

BAZ

 What kind of prostitute are you?  

 

TANYA

A dead one you stupid arsehole,

now I’ve got to start my life all over-- Again!

 

BAZ

I’m really confused, if I’m not dreaming or

in a coma then I have to be trippin’,

that would explain the disappointing sex scene.

 

TANYA

SHUT UP!!!   I can’t decide on what shoes to

leave behind!  Grrr I hate you, I hate you!

 

Tanya BEATS Baz with her shoes.

 

BAZ

Are shoes really important right now --

yea that was a stupid question to ask?

 

Tanya goes to the window & jumps out landing on all fours in a puddle from the third floor, Baz runs to the window.

 

BAZ

Wait!   I’m coming with you.

 

TANYA

Get lost!   You’ve done enough damage as it is!

 

BAZ

I don’t know where I am, nothing makes sense here.

 Can you at least show where the train station is?

 

TANYA

Piss off!

 

Baz goes through window and looks for a way to climb down.  He starts to climb down the wet drain pipe slowly.

 

BAZ

It ain’t that high, it ain’t that--

whoa no that’s high.

 

TANYA

Great, I save you and now

you’re going to kill your self!

 

BAZ

Keep your tail on, if you can do it so can--

He tries to find some footing but his hands SLIP off the pipe loosing his balance and falls off the ledge, we expect him to land in the garbage dump, but instead misses the soft landing and CRASH lands in the puddle which should've killed him instead leaves with great pain.

BAZ

I’m okay.

 

TANYA

You're an idiot

 

Baz straightens his back seeing Tanya run off.

 

BAZ

Wait!

 

Baz’s chases her not realising he’s dropped his CIGARETTES.

 

EXT. CITY STREETS - NIGHT

A MOB can be heard in the distance.  Tanya hides behind a corner to catch some breath as Baz catches up.

 

TANYA

Stop following me! 

 

BAZ

Yea I have that effect on women --

or cat girl thingy?  I need a guide this is

my first time visiting -- uh where ever here is?

 

TANYA

It’s going to be your last

if you keep on following me!

 

BAZ

I think I’m in a coma, maybe that’s

why I can’t wake up from this world.

 

TANYA

You really think you’re dreaming?

 

BAZ

Well yea or I’m in Chernobyl which

would explain you-- Wait am I?

 

TANYA

No!

 

BAZ

Maybe I’ve travelled back in time where

myth and legends are real?  And the time travel

glitched causing that castle to explode?

 

TANYA

Wait you were in the castle?  

I thought the prince was angry.

 

She points to the smoking castle.

 

TANYA

Crap, you’re in bigger trouble than me.  

Maybe I should turn you in and save my own skin.

 

BAZ

Do that & I will turn you in Deviant --

Whatever that means?

 

TANYA

Point taken *Sigh* they’re coming.

 

They carry on running as torches light the street.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. HOTEL - NIGHT

The prince is on the phone to the king.

 

PRINCE

Yes - I know father – yes - ah ha – yes

it’s all fine believe me just a few scratches

that’s – yes – yes – no it’s not stolen -

yes I’m positive - um I’ve got to go!

 

He hangs up the phone & talks to his lieutenant.

 

PRINCE

He mustn’t know that

the forbidden key is missing.

 

LIEUTENANT

Sire what is the forbidden key?

 

PRINCE

A key that is for somewhat reason has

something immensely forbidden & unknown

in it & it mustn’t end up in the wrong hands

as I have a sworn duty to keep it that way!

 

A bird with a note attached to it flies into the window, the Lieutenant reads it.

 

LIEUTENANT

Sire one of the hunters has already spotted

the thief, dead or alive the hunter asks?

 

The prince grins.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. ALLEYWAY - NIGHT

 

They both stop again from running to breathe. 

 

BAZ

What is a deviant?

  That you keep on talking about?

 

TANYA

You don’t know?  Oh of course you don’t!

You’re from the future or another world

*sighs* Deviant, fiend, demon, monster, different!

 

BAZ

You don’t look like a monster?  

So why didn’t you use your

demon powers to stop that guy then?

 

TANYA

Because, I’m not a strong deviant if you must know,

I just want to try & live a peaceful normal human life

which beats 300 people with pitch forks & torches chasing you!

 

BAZ

Touchy.

 

Tanya starts to smack Baz lots of times.

 

TANYA

I’m touchy because this is your entire fault!

 

BAZ

Stop it!  I’m not a very strong human!

 Okay I’m sorry I will help you.

 

Tanya stops her beatings.

 

TANYA

Why bother what can you do?

 

BAZ

I don’t know maybe look

for a yellow brick road?

 

Tanya looks at him seeing only a dead man.

 

BAZ

Look you got me off the streets

so let me return the favour?

 

TANYA

Hmmm, fine but you owe me

more than that okay?

 

BAZ

I’m Baz.

 

TANYA

Tanya *sigh* And I am

not pleased to meet you.

 

MOB (O.S)

There they are!

 

They both look at the mob of 300 men and women with pitch fork and torches cornering them.

 

BAZ

Wow they really do have pitch forks & torches.

 Quick use your demon powers or something.

 

TANYA

What?

 

BAZ

Just do it!

 

Tanya runs and jumps at the mob TRANSFORMING in mid air landing as a domestic ginger cat, she tries to roar but it’s just a pathetic meow.  The mob laughs, Tanya runs behind Baz as the mob closes in.  Baz goes into his coat grabbing an 80’s MOBILE PHONE and starts to dial 999.

 

BAZ

Hello anyone there?

 It’s an emergency! 

Work dammit!

 

MOB 

HUH!  A WARLOCK WITH HIS--

What is that a wand?

 

MOB 2

No I think it’s a brick?

 

BAZ

Yes!  That’s - that’s right!

I have a magical brick!

 

Silence from the mob.  Baz thrusts the phone in the air in awesomeness.

 

BAZ

BEWARE!!!

 

The entire mob vanishes in horror thinking Baz’s giant mobile phone is a magical wand of doom.  Tanya shifts back to her human self.

BAZ

What is everyone’s problem he--

 

Baz turns to face Tanya seeing her NAKED as he smiles.

 

BAZ

Best dream ever!

 

Furious she quickly covers her breasts with one arm & uses her spare fist on the drooling Baz punching him so hard BREAKING his nose. 

 

BAZ

Ow my nose!

 

TO BE CONTINUED

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