It was past nine o’clock when I first heard the roar of Claire’s small get-together. Yeah, small get-together my ass. It looked more like a party to me but still, creeping in the shadows of my bedroom as I looked out the window couldn’t possibly tell me exactly how many people were in there anyway. My dad and his wife had gone out to dinner and see a movie so I had the house all to myself but… for what? To do nothing as I’ve been doing for the past week? Yes, well, spying on my best friend’s house who happens to be my neighbor could count as doing something but I’m afraid I don’t feel that proud about it so I’d rather not. I could hear the screams and the loud music coming from next door as I ate pizza rolls all by myself in the living room with absolutely no lights on. It’s because I hoped none of the boys would get the idea of coming over here to see me so that’s why I pretended to be out. I don’t know why I was freaking out at the idea of seeing one of them that night because deep down… I was desperately hoping to see them atleast one more time before they’d leave. I would have liked to say goodbye but being a coward and being very stubborn makes you do stupid things and god knows that I do a shitload of stupid things.
After rewatching reruns of America’s Next Top Model for about two hours, I realized I had forgotten to do the dishes and take the trash out. I sighed at the idea of moving and doing any kind of small effort but I reluctantly got up knowing that doing my chores would make my father very happy. I quickly put on sneakers and dragged the heavy bag out of the door, trying my very best not to make any loud noises… I really didn’t want to alert anyone’s attention and I wanted to be as quick as possible. As soon as I reached the street, I put the bag in the bin and I was literally about to run back inside when I spotted a familiar figure sitting down on the sidewalk. Great. The number one person on my ‘to be ignored’ list.
“What are you doing here? ” I asked softly, standing a couple of feet away from him.
“I wanted to see you. ” Harry chuckled, as if I had asked the most idiotic question in the universe. I crossed my arms and let out a small annoyed sigh.
“Yeah, I gathered that part but why were you staying out here instead of- ” I began but he cut me off. He finally looked up to meet my gaze. His emotions seemed all over the place. Well, that made two of us I guess.
“Because at first, I wanted to see you but then… I changed my mind. I ended up changing my mind again so… I just sat down here. ” He said. I detected a hint of sadness in his voice which only made me feel more upset.
“We’re leaving tomorrow morning. ” Harry said, seeing as I’ve stayed silent. I cleared my throat as I stepped closer and sat down not too far away from him.
“Yeah, I know. ” I replied simply. I was trying my best not to start crying again. It was becoming an habit of mine these days and I hated that.
“So why didn’t you come to the party tonight? Didn’t you want to say goodbye? ” I bit down hard on my bottom lip, hoping the tears would never come. I also hoped he wouldn’t notice I was shaking like a leaf.
“I… I know you’re all mad at me because I lied about Matt so… ” I said in a low voice, praying to god Harry didn’t notice how emotional I was getting over this conversation.
“The boys aren’t mad… I’m not mad. I’m just tired. I’m tired of the lies and these games we’ve been playing for almost three years now… ” I sucked in a shaky breath as I let the heaviness of his words sink in. This conversation was officially becoming way more serious than I thought it would be.
“I’m so sorry. ” It’s all I was able to say seeing as I was close to tears once again in my bloody ridiculous life.
“I know you are… You’re always apologizing and so am I… ” The truth behind his words made the tears flow. He was right. He was always right. We’re always fighting and apologizing afterwards. No matter what; we are both never in good terms. There’s always something wrong. Of course, I am usually the problem.
“Is this how it’s always going to be between us? Is it always going to be like this? ” He said, the desperation in his words only made me feel more guilty than ever for all the pain I’ve caused him.
“It shouldn’t be like this… You deserve so much better, Harry. ” I managed to say, although the tears didn’t stop. I turned to look at him and found him staring back at me, his eyes full of tears.
“We can’t keep doing this. This has to stop… I’m not- ” I began but I had been crying so hard that talking was beginning to be a challenge.
“What do you mean? ” He asked, blatantly worried about what I was about to say.
“I’m not good for you. I never was… and I never will. I don’t deserve you. ” I thought that once I’d finally say it that I’d feel better but dear god, I didn’t. The look on his face nearly destroyed me.
“That’s not true. It’s fucking bullshit, alright!? I know we can make this work I swear and- ” He frantically began but I had to stop him before he’d take things too far.
“I’m not the girl for you, Harry… I’m sorry but I’m just not. You deserve the very best and it’s just not me… Please you just- You have to let me go. ” A single tear rolled down his cheek but out of pride, he immediately wiped it away with the back of his hand. I was about to say something when he suddenly stood up and ruffled his hair out of irritation. I stood up shakily aswell as he turned to me, his face twisted with despair and anger.
“What about what you said to me on the phone the day you left the country? D’you remember that? ” He said, taking me by surprise with the sudden change of subject. At first I was confused but then it hit me… Yes, I told him I loved him that day. It was the only time I ever said those three words to Harry as I was miles and miles away from him.
“Of course, I remember. ” I whispered.
“It’s the one time you ever said it and… You never said it before or after I mean… Why not? Why didn’t you just tell me? ” He shot back with newly formed tears in his eyes. I had a hard time catching my breath seeing him like this… Especially knowing that I was the reason to it.
“It doesn’t matter anymore… ” I muttered as I turned around. The courage to face him and explain myself simply vanished after awhile. I was trying so hard to do the right thing by him and tell him that it must be over between us but doing it didn’t stop me from being terribly heartbroken about it. I truly didn’t want to be without him but I had no choice because I was not worthy of Harry. I never was.
“Of course, it matters. It matters to me! ” Harry screamed as he grabbed my arm to turn me around. I had no choice but to face him now. His longing stare and how close we were made me weak in the knees but I tried my best to stay strong infront of him.
“I’m not the one for you. ” I sobbed loudly, still crying like an idiot. Harry studied my face for awhile before he cracked a sarcastic but obvious sad smile.
“You’re wrong, Skye. You’re wrong and now you just made a choice that you’ll regret for the rest of your life. ” He stated bitterly, his voice shaking as he backed away from me. I stayed silent as he stared at me for the longest time before he eventually just gave up and walked back to Claire’s party.
“I know I’ll regret it… I know. ” I whispered to myself once he had disappeared into my best friend’s house. Well, it was done now. It was over. Harry was leaving and it was over between us. I turned around and slowly made my way back inside. I numbly entered my house and walked upstairs as if nothing had just happened . I sat down on my bed and I felt… so small. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so empty and lonely in my entire life than in that moment.
I didn’t sleep at all that night. I was exhausted but I just couldn’t bring myself to get some sleep because Harry was gone and nothing mattered anymore without him. Around 9AM, I got tired of staying in bed for nothing so I got up and went downstairs to steal from my dad’s liquor cabinet. Luckily for me, my dad and his wife were both at work so there was no one here to stop me from drinking. I hesitated between a bottle of vodka and a bottle of champagne so in the end I decided to take both because why the hell not? I went back upstairs and drank vodka straight from the bottle. It made me feel sick immediately considering my empty stomach and my lack of sleep but I didn’t care. I just kept drinking until my legs felt numb and everything seemed all very blurry. After I was done with the vodka, I began drinking what was left of that already-opened bottle of champagne. After awhile, I got very confused and I needed some air so I stepped outside on my balcony. I lazily sat down on the hard floor because my legs were simply too heavy for me to move now. I was so out of it that I didn’t even hear Matt come in and walk upstairs. I literally only noticed his presence once he was standing right infront of me.
“How did you get in here!? ” I exclaimed, smiling like an idiot. I was terribly drunk, it was so embarrassing.
“The front door was open and wait a second… Are you drunk? Skye, it’s like 10 in the morning! ” Matt sighed, visibly disappointed in my life choices. I couldn’t blame him.
“I’m not drunk! Well… I don’t think so..? ” I slurred as I raised the empty bottle of champagne in the air for no apparent intelligent reason at all. Matt rolled his eyes and sat down beside me. He sighed loudly and waited a long time before speaking. I didn’t mind though. I was so drunk and out of it that I absolutely couldn’t care less about awkward pauses and whatnot.
“So what are you going to try to drink the pain away now? Is this because Harry left? ” He finally said, his harsh words made me frown because he was right.
“Yeah, I guess… ” I whispered, staring into the distance, making sure to avoid Matt’s gaze. I regretted it the second these words left my mouth though. It was the alcohol who made me blurt out the truth like that and I hated it.
“You let him go and you told him to move on… Why don’t you do that aswell? ” I let out a sarcastic chuckle because even though I appreciated his help, Matt didn’t understand. He could never understand.
“Because I can’t move on… I don’t want to. ” I stated in all honesty. I stared at the empty bottle in my hands. I was really disappointed it was empty now because jesus christ, I will need more alcohol if I’m going to talk about my feelings today.
“Then what the fuck are you still doing here, Skye? ” Matt exclaimed, his annoyance obvious.
“What are you talking about!? ” I breathed out as I stood up with difficulties. My legs were terribly weak and my head was spinning, the last thing I needed in that moment was Matt to lecture me about something but it looked like I had no choice.
“You’ve been here 2 years and you never even once called it home. ” Matt said as he stood up. I opened my mouth to reply but he started talking before I had the chance to.
“You’re not happy here, I know you’re not. I think you made a mistake by coming here… You only left because of Harry and we both know it. ” I gasped in shock and anger at his assumptions.
“It’s not true! I came here because I wanted to spend time with my dad and- ” I began but he cut me off.
“And yet, you’re always out or when you’re home, you’re angry and locked up in your room! ” Matt shot back. I crossed my arms and glared at him. I hated how right he was about all of this; about me.
“Look, I’m not saying all of this to make you upset… You’re my friend. I want you to be happy, Skye. ” I smiled a little, happy to see someone still cared about me.
“You should go home… You should go back to England and tell Harry you love him. That’s the right thing to do and you know it. ” I blinked several times because my eyes got all watery and I didn’t want to cry infront of Matt. I smiled a little and he smiled back.
“I’ll think about it. ” I replied. I wish I was lying but I wasn’t. Matt’s advice made me doubt about what I’ve been doing this whole time. Maybe he was right… Maybe I should focus on me and try to be happy because it’s true after all… I haven’t been happy in a long time and being with Harry is without a doubt the only thing that could ever fix that.