55. Not now. Not ever.
I wake up in pain. I notice I'm moving. I'm on a stretcher being pushed down a hallway. Am I in a hospital? Nurses and doctors are surrounding me, covering my neck with bandages. They're rushing me to surgery. I look around, looking for Louis. I see him running after me, in tears. I reach my hand out to him, trying to grab his hand. Right when we are about to grab hands, we pass through the surgery room doors. Louis stops outside the door, with his hand still reached out. He falls to his knees, crying into his hands. I whip my head around, sending pain through my body. I start crying, not just because of the pain but I just realized all of that happened tonight. It started out great. Learning I was gonna be an aunt. Spending time with family. Then it went downhill, fast. My mum coming. Her hitting me. Her boyfriend hurting Louis. And now, here I am, about to go in surgery. The worst of the whole thing, is seeing Louis so sad, so hurt and worried. Seeing his face while my mum was cutting my throat. Seeing him cry for me. Why would he cry for me? I brought so much hardship in his life. I ruined his life. Did he realize this? Did he know that I'm not worth it? I'm just an emotionally challenged eighteen year old with a lot of problems. I hit reality when the nurses started preparing me for emergency surgery. They started washing the cut on my throat. The water burned through my skin, making me since in pain. When I was little, I always wished I was dead, to get away from my mother for good. To never be hurt, to always be with God, and to be with the angels. But now, I don't want to die. I want to live forever, with Louis. I want to be with Louis and Stella. What would happen if I do die? What would Louis do? What would happen to Stella? I can't die. I can't leave them. Not now. Not ever. I touch my cut, sending deep pain through me. I cry out for Louis, but he can't get me. He can't make it all better. He can't make everything that happened tonight just vanish. I only wish he could. I let the tears fall, not giving a care in the world about who's watching. While the nurses put a mask on my face, I feel my body go numb. I look over to the door and see Louis peeking in, tears rolling down his face. He has his hands pressed against the glass. I start drifting off, I let my last tear fall while I wave good-bye while whispering, "I love you, forever and always."