There was something very peculiar... very odd with the way she acted, like she was a totally different person. Normally she bright and bubbly. What happened? Last night she was absolutely fine, but this morning she was different...
Maybe it's has to do with today and what this dreadful day brings to the reminding of our family. With what our parents have done... is just unspeakable...their disappearance and the reason. Sometime I wish I could tell her, the truth. Nevertheless, I can only imagine or comprehend the confusion she must be having. Knowing the date of Mum's death, but unknowing the cause... can be extremely perplexing. But with her knowing will she become the next person who will be affected??? Thinking back or now how it has changed mine.... with its dramatic impact on everyone. It has affected in ways I couldn't even discuss. How I view things, react or think, just changed from that moment of finding the truth. She has too much drama as it is in her life, this would just damage her even more...
But I am having second thoughts (about telling her) as will she hate or despise me or even worse, shut me out of her world for not telling her. Or will she feel glad that I told her. I'm just as confused, of telling her right now or later. To tell or not to tell? Decisions... after decisions.
Why did life have to be so harsh? The later I prolong it, the intense and or worse the situation may become. She just can't know the reason, I just can't imagine what she would do, or to herself? What should I do?
"I just miss you, more than ever! I miss everything about you. Why were you taken from me, why can't you been here and I won't in this situation? Why did you do that... knowing what can be the outcome. If you didn't do that we would be the same happy family we were 5 months ago" I whisper to myself. Having all these problems and not know the solution brings me in all mixed emotions.
As I lead back on the wall of the stairs, articulating on who such a short period can change a family and damage it within seconds. Remembering... feeling the pain run through me. I begun sobbing like a child... putting my hand on my forehead. Thinking... how can I take care of my sister, and stay strong when I am dying inside.
Suddenly when I was about to have doubt... a voice comes to my mind, like auto-play of the event.
"You have to promise me that you would take care of her" re-occurring scenes and voices comes to my mind.
"Promise me, promise me! I have cause too much devastation to this family" she said as she was leaving the hospital bed.
Recollecting, those memories. Stirring up in my mind, my sobbing becomes crying, and the more I think about it makes me cry even harder. I just don't like seeing Isa so down like that. Ooh... why does life have to be so cruel to the innocent.
Pushing the dwelling past behind me, and think happy for the future. As I hear her getting ready for school reminds me on how she is so blinded when she was actually there when it happened... the moment where our family was torn apart. If it wasn't for her having a serious case of amnesia she would be scared for life. Even though it is a bad thing to have, but it is better to forget than remember the traumatic events.
"Live in the moment and not the past.. think positive." I say, wiping away my tears. On the brighter side, organizing Isa's surprise birthday party would be the perfect cheer up for her and maybe me too.
Realizing what had occurred on this day... the memories... some parts blurred out, but not knowing the answer to my millions of questions makes me curious. Why didn't Lou mention anything about this day (besides my birthday)? Maybe to lighten this woeful day. Confusion... after more confusion!
As I moaned as usual and hesitatingly placed my uniform on. Thinking... As I became conscience of my surrounding... That today I only have 1 and a half semester left of year 10. In a few months I become a senior. It was just like yesterday I was packing nervously for year 7, anxious of what or whom will be at my high school . Time flies... If I had a chance to go back in time and change things... I would! I would change it back to how our family was before... before that day.
As I reluctantly walked down the stairs, hoping that Lou would notice me and ask if he'd like to spend the day with me... because I was not in the mood for school. Instead, as I come down the stairs, hinting on how much I didn't what to go. But instead he gives me my lunch and opens the door and says "Try to have fun today, birthday girl! Love ya!" and then gives me a small kiss on the forehead.
Maybe I just wasn't hinting enough. Walking down my street... headphones in my ears, ignoring what the surrounding world has to offer. Walking to the sound of the music... singing, like nobody can hear or see me. Free to be myself. This is my comfort zone...
As I was about to reach the corner of the school, I was interrupted with a group of my screaming friends...
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY ISA!" is all I can hear, blocking out my music. "Happy birthday" others said as they walked past me into their way to the school gates.
Shocked... I stood their for while trying to realize on what just happened. Smiling, hiding the fact that I am depressed and wasn't up for anything. Maybe because it just took me by surprise... Nevertheless I simple respond my "Thank you so much".
Laughing and giggling, arms linked... the all four of us... walking our way into the school gates with non stop talking about random things with my friends, is maybe what I just needed. To be with them, a new surrounding, distracting me from the fact that Mum died on this day.