(September 2013 – 1 month to Allie’s 18th birthday)
The tours been amazing but being away with Peyton for some of the time hasn’t been the same as when we were dating. My life is different now… The music is what’s controlling me. There’re so many people all the time and everywhere. Demi keeps telling me to stay strong. I speak with her a lot because I’m going where she was. My life has been really hard and I’ve been putting a huge pressure on my body ever since the tour started. I’m halfway on the tour and Peyton is going with me to Europe. He thinks I’m smiling but what’s happened when he’s away is insane.
Peyton: Allie can we talk?
Jake: That’s gonna have to be later. You have meet and greet and an interview.
Jake: Later… get out in the make-up. You have 10 minutes to get ready.
Jake: tone lady!
I went out into the make-up and changed my clothes and then did my make-up and hair. I started to look a bit like Taylor Momsen mixed with Miley Cyrus. When I finished I went back to the journalist who was going to do the interview.
In the middle of the interview my phone started ringing. I looked at the screen but I didn’t know the number. It was a British number so I guessed that it was someone who wanted to know about the tour.
Allie: I’m really sorry about that.
Journalist: it’s okay. So we were speaking about the latest rumors about you. There’s this one on you and Peyton. Are you guys back together?
Allie: what’s going on between me and Peyton is a part of our private life but no we’re not back together. It’s just rumors. He’s been amazing here on the tour but it’s been months. Peyton and I aren’t going to go back together.
Journalist: well that’s a shame.
Allie: that depends on how you look at it.
Journalist: what do you mean by that?
Allie: Maybe it’s better for both me and Peyton if it’s like it is now. We’re friends again and I’m glad that he’s supporting me on my first world tour. It’s amazing to have a friend who can support you through all of the hard things because it is hard to be on world tour but it’s amazing at the same time.
Journalist: yeah I guess…
She went silent for a while and I looked at my phone. Peyton had sent me a picture but the text under the picture caught me.
Peyton: be prepared. They’ve seen your arms. The whole world knows what’s going on. I’m sorry that they caught it. I told you, you should have come to me instead.
I took a deep breath and got back to the interview. The lady showed me a picture.
Journalist: Now Allie a lot of things has been going around on the internet about you harming yourself along with this picture.
She showed me a double picture one of me and then one with focus on my wrist.
Allie: I’d prefer not to speak about that rumor. It’s ridiculous. I’m turning 18 next month and I have the life I’ve always dreamt of. Why would I be harming myself?
Journalist: But ever since this picture you’ve been wearing a lot of bracelets and so on. Your fans are getting worried.
Allie: The Raffies will help me with anything I’m going through. What I wear has nothing to do with that rumor. And I think we’ll end this interview right here thanks.
I took my phone and went out of the room crying. How did she dare to do something like that to me? Wasn’t I supposed to be the role model and not the weak one in front of my fans?
Peyton caught me on the way out. He saw that I wasn’t okay.
He hugged me and I cried even harder.
Allie: she showed me the picture!
Allie: she showed me the picture that has been going around on the internet and asked me if I was harming myself.
Jake, came up to us…
Jake: what’s going on?
Allie: she tried to make me look like a bad role model. She showed me a picture and kept asking if I was harming myself.
Jake: Allie that rumor has been going around for a long time. I need to see your wrist now.
I broke down in tears and sat down on the floor. Someone snapped a picture of if which made Peyton furious.
Peyton: don’t you have any respect at all? Can’t you see that she’s in pain without all of your flash lights up in her head?! LEAVE!
Jake sat down with me on the floor and took of my bracelets. I was fighting him. I didn’t want to face the truth on what was going on.
Allie: Stop it.
I was trying to get my hands into my body but Jake was stronger than me. I was crying but he kept fighting me. I was screaming and crying and I couldn’t handle it. My body was overreacting.
Peyton: stop it you’re hurting her. She’ll end up blacking out.
I was crying and fighting to breathe and fighting not to let Jake see what was going on, mostly because I didn’t want to face my own problems. Barry came there to and some security was there too. I heard my own voice and how I was screaming. It felt like my longs were bleeding. I gave up. I couldn’t fight it anymore and everyone around me now saw all of my cuts and scars all the way up my arm.