2. Decisions & an Explanation
Dear unborn child,
I guess I should explain why I'm writing these letters. Two days ago, on Friday, I discovered I was pregnant. I also made a decision not to tell anyone of my pregnancy. At least not yet. I'm not quite sure why I've decided not to tell anyone. I guess there's just no one I can trust, no one who could really understand. I can't tell my parents, of course.
I'm not quite sure why I can't tell Derek. I don't really know if I can trust him yet (we've only been dating for a few weeks) and I'm not sure how he would react. It's better to play it safe, wait a while at least, see where things go with him.
I can't tell Tay- even though she's my best friend, she loves gossip, and if I told her, the whole school would probably know within 24 hours. Plus she wouldn't understand; if I know Tay (and I know Tay), she would just tell me to get an abortion. And I couldn't do that.
I'm not quite sure why I couldn't just get an abortion. It seems like the easy way out; no one would have to know about it. I guess I just couldn't do that to you- destroy your life, just for my own benefit. It seems so wrong that anyone would do that. As I see it, you're my responsibility- a person brought into this world due to my actions. I can't just take your life away from you. That would be so selfish of me. I'm going to have you. Give birth of you, and keep you. I wouldn't put you up for adoption. I couldn't do that, either. You're my responsibility, a piece of me. You have my DNA. It's my job to take care of you, and I'll be the best mother I can be to you.
I wonder if you're a girl or a boy. I don't really have a preference. Most girls I know want a daughter instead of a son for their first child, but I really don't care. I'll love you no matter what. I already love you. I feel such a strong connection to you. You're inside me, a part of me. It's a strange feeling, having something living inside of me. It's my job to take care of you, to make sure you're healthy.
So anyway, back to the point- why I'm writing you these letters. Like I said, I don't have anyone to tell about you. And with all this going on I really need someone to talk to. Someone who I can just tell everything to, someone who will listen. And at the moment, you're the only one who fits the bill. Plus, I want you to know what I went through in my pregnancy, and how you came to be in this world. Someday, when you're old enough, I'll give these letters to you. But for now, I'm keeping them in a shoebox under my bed. I've decided I'll write a letter to you every day, and tell you about my day. Like a diary, but instead of writing to some dumb book, I'll be writing to you.
I've already started thinking of names for you. If you're a girl, I think I'll name you Laila. I've always liked that name. If you're a boy, I think Benjamin. That is, if I'm the one who ends up choosing your name. If I eventually tell Derek and he's on board with the idea of us having a baby, he'll want some say. But I'm still not sure if I ever will tell Derek. I guess we'll have to see.
On the subject of Derek, I'll see him tomorrow at school, as tomorrow's a Monday. I wonder if I'll have trouble acting normal around him, after finding out. I'll try to act like nothing's wrong. Even if i acted like something was wrong, Derek probably wouldn't notice. He doesn't care much about my problems; the only thing he cares about much is himself. Still, if I acted like something was wrong, Tay would notice. She always does. That's what best friends are for, I guess, but sometimes it's so inconvenient for her to always be able to tell how I'm feeling. I guess I'll just have to see what happens tomorrow. Now, I'll have to go to sleep. I need to get a lot of sleep these days, to keep you healthy. Goodnight :)
Miranda (your mother)