Gotta Be You

I know how they both feel and now all that’s left to do is to find out how I feel.

And right now, my heart is stuck in the middle of a tug-o-war. Niall pulling hard on one side and Harry pulling just as hard on the other.


39. Words Finally Spoken, Goodbyes & Facing My Fears

Isla's POV


I took a deep breath as I got up from the couch and stood in front of the TV, partly because I wanted to make sure that all of them could see me but mostly because I felt nervous being so close to them while I was about to talk.

All eyes were glued on me and I suddenly became nervous. Once again, I looked at Liam and he gave me an encouraging nod. I relaxed a little bit, remembering his words of encouragement while we were talking outside.

To calm my nerves, I just looked at Liam most of the time. Actually, I just avoided looking at Harry or Niall. Their piercing gazes kept muddling up my thoughts and I couldn't concentrate. I looked back at Liam and took another deep breath.

"Okay," I finally said. "Before I start talking about everything that I wanted to talk about, I just have a few...conditions." I paused, looking at each of them in turn, noticing confusion pass through their faces. When I got no response from any of them, I continued. "When I'm saying everything that I need to say, none of you are allowed to interrupt me, you cannot disagree with anything I have to say, even if you are totally against it. I don't even want you to comment on anything that I have to say until I finish." I tried to sound firm but I found my voice faltering a couple of times from nervousness. Therefore, I just gave them a serious look. "Understand?" I gave each of them another look.

They looked nervous and apprehensive as the sudden seriousness that filled the air around us. They all nodded and focused all of their attention on me.

"Okay," I said, looking back at Liam for a few seconds to calm myself down again. Once I did, I looked around at each of them while I talked. "First, I wanted to speak to all of you together. There are many things that I need to tell all of you...even though it'll be hard for me, I think it'll be good for all of us. However, I'd like to speak first." I paused and then looked at Harry and Niall in turn. "And then I would like to speak to Harry and Niall alone."

They both tensed up and the three other boys looked at them anxiously. Harry and Niall gave me a small nod in understanding.

"So, what I wanted to tell all of you first sorry I am for leaving y--"

"Isla, don't be s--"

I gave Niall a stern look. "Niall, I said you couldn't interrupt me. Even if you disagree with what I have to say." I tried to make it sound as least harsh I could while trying to sound firm in order to make them understand how much I wanted them to listen to what I had to say.

Niall quickly shut his mouth and slouched his body. I ignored the hurt written on his face and continued before I would end up completely stopping this conversation and hide in the bedroom.

I took another deep breath, collecting my thoughts. "Like I was saying, I want to let you all know how deeply sorry I am for leaving the way I did. I just...I felt hurt, betrayed, humiliated and so many other things that night that...I couldn't handle it. I felt so much pain, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I wanted to break things. I wanted to do things that scared me by even thinking it. I didn't think I could handle showing my face after what happened. I know I wrote in the letter telling you how angry I was with all of you for not telling me the truth and...I'm going to let you guys explain why you kept it from me."

I saw Harry and Niall open their mouths to say something. "After I finish saying everything I need to say," I interjected quickly. They shut their mouth as quickly as it opened in defeat.

"With me leaving though, it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I knew how much it would hurt you with me leaving, I almost stayed because of it but I knew that me getting away from everything was the best thing for me at the time. I had too many things bottled up inside of me and I didn't want to explode and cause more trouble for everyone."

I looked at Harry and Niall. "And when I saw you, Harry, Niall, before I left. I felt my heart break even more that I wouldn't be able to see your faces anymore. I wanted, more than anything, to just forget about what happened and have things back to the way they were." I paused. "Even though I forgot about a year of my memory. Memories that changed things between us that I wish I could remember. Memories that make things complicated now that I don't remember any of it. Once I got on that train, I felt a part of me was gone, like it had stayed back home. I wasn't myself anymore once I got here. I was empty, I felt numb. And every day I succumbed to the darkness that was following me everywhere I went."

I looked down as tears started forming in my eyes but I quickly blinked them away, promising myself that I wouldn't cry. I needed to be strong right now. "I went about three months of closing myself off from everyone, even Trine and Sophie. I just didn't want to grow relationships with anyone because I was scared that I would end up getting hurt again. I didn't want to ever experience any more pain. So I isolated myself and soon I became more and more depressed. And then, one night, I couldn't handle it anymore. I found myself standing in between Presteigne and the train station, not know where I belonged. Here...or back home. I taunted myself thinking that I didn't belong anywhere. It felt like I had nowhere to go. I felt hopeless and I found myself feeling...nothing."

I looked up and saw tears in each of their eyes and a huge pang of guilt rushed inside of me. I wanted to stop but I knew I had to keep going.

"Once I finally had enough of the inner torture, I...I didn't feel like going on anymore. I thought I had nothing to live for." I paused, taking in a shaky breath, remembering that moment that's been haunting me since. "So, I walked to the train tracks, deciding to end my life."

I couldn't hold it in any more, I felt a single tear roll down my face. "I saw my life flash before my eyes as the train was coming. I saw all of you and my friends and my family and I had a moment of peace right before I thought the train was going to take my life. But, like you found out last night, James saved me. At first, I was angry with him for what he did but then I felt - well, thought - that it was meant to be. That I was meant to go on the train tracks and have him save me. I thought that he was going to save me from the darkness that had taken over me. I thought that he would fix me, heal me, make me feel again. But I guess the world wasn't done pushing me down yet. I thought that I could get away from the hurt and pain that I felt when I left but it only brought me to a different kind of pain."

Memories flashed through my mind again as the months of pain that James caused me replayed in my mind. Another tear rolled down my cheek.

"While I was going through that, I found myself..." More tears were spilling down my face more urgently now. "I found myself wanting to go home," I sobbed. "I wanted to feel safe again. I wanted to be loved again." I looked away, my whole body shaking in sobs. I put my hands up to my face and, a few seconds later, I felt a pair of arms wrap themselves around me.

"Let it all out, Isla," Liam said. "Just let it out. I know you've been holding it all in. It will all feel better if you just let it all out."

And I did. I let out all of the hurt that I've felt, that I've kept bottled up inside me, as I cried in Liam's arms. Silence filled the room after a few minutes, except for a few sniffles that escaped me as I felt a huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders. I let go of all of the pain that James caused me, I let go of everything that reminded me of James. I let go of James.

I pulled back and looked up at Liam. "Thank you, Liam," I whispered, wiping away my tears.

"Are you okay, now?" he asked, looking at me with worry.

I nodded. "Much better."

"Did you want to take a break or--"

I quickly shook my head. "No. I need to keep going. I'll be fine." I gave him a small, quick smile.

He nodded in understanding and sat back down. I looked around the room and saw all them with their heads down. After a few seconds, they looked back up with me, tears still in their eyes.

Keep going, Isla.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "A few days ago, I actually wanted to take my life again." I saw them tense up. "But I told myself that I couldn't let James be the reason that I would. He didn't deserve to have that power of me. I knew I had to stay strong and just keep telling myself that, somehow, some day, I'd be able to get away from James. And yesterday, on my way home from work, I saw a black Range Rover. I now know it was you guys but I didn't know it at the time. However, when I saw it, I thought that it was a sign. Hope started to grow inside of me that you came for me. But I found myself doubting my thoughts again. I thought that you didn't care for me anymore. I thought that, when I left, I broke every good thing that we had and that you've forgotten about me."

A smile grew on my face and I looked at Louis. "But when I saw you, Louis, I felt light inside of me that I thought I would never feel again. I thought it was just my imagination playing tricks on me, that it was just a dream. was real. When I saw you, I just wanted to jump in your arms and break down but I was too sacred to show you how broken I've become. And when you told me that every one was here..." I looked at each of them with a smile. "I thought I was going to explode with happiness. Each of you brought me back to life. I immediately started feeling like myself again, my old self. You have no idea how happy I was too see all of you." I looked at Harry and Niall once again. "Especially you two." They returned my smile with one of their own. I felt my heart strain in my chest.

"But, of course, it had to be ruined by that monster." I closed my eyes, forcing thoughts of James out of my mind that I didn't want inside anymore. "I don't even want to talk about him, he doesn't deserve it."

I opened my eyes again and looked at each of them. "I want to thank you guys for protecting me from him. Not just last night but...for forever." I looked at Harry. "Even though I wished you hadn't beat him up, Harry..."

Guilt washed through his eyes instantly. "Don't feel guilty, please. I know you do. I mean, at first, I was angry with you but then...I thought it through and I imagined what it would be like if I was in your shoes and I knew that I wouldn't hesitate doing the same thing for you." I looked at all of them again. "For all of you."

I felt more weight being lifted off of my shoulders. "And after that...I just felt drained, physically and emotionally. My body just shut down. I think it knew that I couldn't handle anymore that night. But now, here we are..."

I breathed a sigh of relief but knew that it wasn't over. "I think that I've gotten out everything that I need to say. What I wanted you to get from what I said is that...I want us to move forward. One step at a time. I'm not saying that I forgive you...yet. A part of me is still angry and I'm going to let you explain everything to me. But I'm more happy than angry now that you're here. I just want you to know how much I regret leaving the way I did. I wish I had stayed to work things out. I know it's caused more problems than we had before but I was just...scared. I know there's a lot more we need to talk about. Like why you guys kept the truth from me.

I looked at Harry. "Why we broke up."

I looked at Niall. "What happened between us."

I looked back at the group. "Everything that happened within the year that I forgot. Everything."

I suddenly remembered one of the last conversations I had with my mother after I moved to Presteigne and before I met James. She had told me something about my accident.

"I also need to know what happened the night of the car accident."

Their eyes grew big and their bodies tensed at my words.

"I know that it wasn't a drunk driver that had caused me to crash. My mother said that I had ended up driving on the wrong side of the road but she didn't know how. And I'm guessing that at least one of you knows."

I looked at each of them and they looked back at me with anxiety in their eyes. Liam, Louis and Zayn looked towards Harry and Niall. Niall and Harry looked at each other for a second before looking down at their hands.

"I'm guessing it's our turn to talk," Harry finally said.

I tensed as Harry finally spoke.

So it was true. I thought that my mother was just lying or that she got the wrong information. But now, I knew that she was telling the truth.

I grabbed a chair from the side of the room and sat in the same spot, suddenly feeling tired after my whole speech.

"Go on," I said, trying to sound polite.

Harry looked at Niall and Niall took a second before he nodded. Harry finally looked back to me, his green eyes piercing into mine.

"So," he said, sounding incredibly nervous. He cleared his throat. "Like you found out the night you found out the truth, you and Niall were going out at the time of the accident."

It still came as a shock to me every time someone talks about me and Niall. But I knew that I had to put that in the back of my mind right now and focus on what they were about to tell me.

All eyes were now on Harry.

"But...for a while before the accident, I had started to realize that I still had feelings for you."

I tried to remain calm while Harry was talking. I knew I had to if I wanted answers.

"Long story short, we were talking and I confessed to you that I still had feelings for you and...I kissed you." Pain appeared in Harry's eyes. "You tried pulling away but Niall walked in on us and he saw us kissing." He looked at Niall, who was looking at me with pain in his eyes also. Niall and I locked gazes for a few seconds before he looked away.

"Niall left and you started crying," Harry continued. "And then you decided to go for a drive to be alone." He paused and looked nervously at each of the boys.

Confusion grew inside of me at the exchanges between the boys and I realized what it was that they were trying to avoid telling me.

"You guys tried to stop me, didn't you?" I asked, guilt washing through me.

Liam just nodded, giving me enough confirmation. My stubbornness had gotten the best of me and now look where it got me. Look where it got us. I closed my eyes.

"Don't feel guilty ab--"

"What happened after?" I interrupted Zayn. I didn't want them to rid me of any guilt that I felt right now. I opened my eyes and saw them giving me sympathetic looks.

"The driver of the truck that was also involved in the accident told the police that you had been driving on the wrong side of the road and that you tried to swerve out of the way but the truck hit the back of you car and it caused you to..." Zayn drifted off at the end.

They were sparing me the horrible details. I don't know why but I wanted to know. I wanted to know what I was responsible for. A part of me wanting to torture myself for the troubles I've caused.

"What happened?" I repeated.

"You spun around and the car rolled over before it stopped in a ditch...upside down," Zayn explained.

Suddenly, I got a flashback of the accident. My blurry vision. The bright headlights heading straight for me. The screeching of tires as I tried to dodge the truck. The crashing of metal as my car was hit. And then everything around me blurring as my car spun and rolled. Glass shattering and slicing my skin. My head hitting the side of the car before ending up in the ditch with everything upside down. And then darkness.

I put my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands as the memory faded. I started to hyperventilate. The traumatic memory finally subduing before I was able to calm down.

"I remember now," I said, shaking my head. I gave them a weak smile. "I wish I didn't but I do."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that," Louis said.

I just nodded, not knowing how to respond.

Silence filled the room but a million thoughts were running through my mind.

Suddenly, Harry spoke. "Isla, I wanted to apolo--."

I stuck my hand out at him, silencing him. "Not right now, Harry." I gave him a sincere smile. "We'll talk about it later. You and me."

He gave me an understanding look before nodding.

"I need to talk to Niall first."

Niall's head shot up and he looked at me with wide eyes before he grew nervous. I was probably feeling just as nervous as he was, maybe more, but I tried to hide it.

I needed answers.

"But I need to talk to Trine and Sophie first," I said. I saw Niall relax a bit. "We can talk later."

A smile grew on my face and they looked at me with confusion.

"When we all go home."




We had all eaten breakfast, the atmosphere around us already feeling lighter. Once we finished eating, I asked the boys to clean up so that I could talk to Trine and Sophie in private.

I had explained to them the whole story of what had caused me to move to Presteigne and what had happened between me and James. They cried when I talked about my dark period and the things that James did to me and I couldn't help but cry with them. All they wanted was to help me but I was just too scared to tell them. I thought they would treat me differently, maybe even end up not wanting to help me anymore. I wish I had let them help me then I wouldn't have spent one second being broken by James. But I know I have to stop beating myself up about it.

They cried even more when I told them that I was going back home but understood that it was better for me. Of course, we exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch. Without them, I don't know what would've happened. Without them, the boys might've never found me. I was grateful for them even though we didn't have the chance to get close but I feel like what happened strengthened the relationship we had with each other. I will never forget them.

After some tearful goodbyes, I grabbed my stuff and me and the boys headed out to the car.

I froze in my spot, realizing something. All of them stopped and looked at me worriedly.

"What about my stuff?" I asked. I knew they knew that it wasn't my stuff that I was so worried about. It was the fact that I had to go back to the place that held many horrible memories that I wanted to get rid of.

The boys looked at each other.

"We can get your stuff for you while you stay in the car," Liam suggested. I thought it through.

I shook my head. "No. I can do it. I need to show myself that I can be strong. That I've moved on. And I need some closure."

They all nodded and we continued to the car. I stopped once again beside the car.

"How are we going to fit?" I asked.

"Oh right!" Louis said. "We called Paul and he's having a car sent to us so we can split up and drive back to London together."

"Oh okay," I said, relaxing a bit. "How about getting back to, I mean, get my stuff?" I couldn't get myself to say 'my place' or 'James' place' without memories flooding back in.

"It's not that far from here, so I think it'll be safe if we squeeze in the car to get there," Louis said.

"How do you know where I...where it is?" I stuttered.

The boys exchanged looks.

"We asked Sophie just in case you couldn't make it to her party," Zayn said.

A horrible thought came to my mind as I imagined what would happen if I hadn't gone to Sophie's. If I had stayed home, that would've meant that they would've came. Would I have let them in? If I did, would I have wanted to go home with them?

I shook those horrible thoughts from my minds and focused my attention on the boys in front of me.

"Okay, let's go then," I said. Harry got into the driver's seat and Louis went into the passenger seat.

Zayn went to the other side to get into the seat behind Louis. Liam went in to sit in the middle and Niall followed right after.

"Move your fat asses," Niall said, pushing Liam, who was being shoved into Zayn, who was being squished against the door.

"Hey! There's no more room!" Zayn exclaimed, pushing Liam back. I giggled at the three boys fighting and all of them suddenly turned to me at the sound. They all have me goofy grins.

I rolled my eyes, smiling back at them. "Shall I just ride in the trunk? Or maybe the roof?" 

They laughed at me as I just stood there with my arms crossed.

While the boys were thinking of a way to fit me in the car, a solemn look appeared on Harry's face.

"You're probably gonna have to sit on someone's lap," he said.

"Ooh! Sit on my lap, Isla!" Louis exclaimed, jumping up and down in his seat.

Liam hit Louis on the back of his head. "Isla can't sit in the front, you idiot. Someone will see her. I don't think it's exactly legal to have two people sitting in the front seat."

Louis rubbed the back of his head, giving Liam a dirty look. "Yeah, whatever, smarty pants." A smirk grew on his face. "Isla, I don't think you can sit on Liam's lap, either. His knees somehow start to hurt when he sits in a car."

Embarrassment filled Liam's face as he looked down and Louis just shrugged his shoulders as I looked at him questioningly.

"I'll explain later," Louis said, still smirking.

"Why don't you sit on Niall's lap?"

We all looked at Harry. Shock written on all of our faces.

He just looked at us with a blank expression. "I mean, she'd be most comfortable with him."

Was I more comfortable with Niall right now? I mean, obviously things between me and Niall are complicated right now. Things weren't like they were from how I last remembered our relationship was like before I lost my memory. Last I remembered, we were just best friends. To add to that, I was baffled as to why Harry would suggest I sit on Niall's lap. I mean, it's just sitting on someone's lap, it was innocent but you'd think that Harry would suggest that I sit on Zayn or Liam's lap. Hell, I thought he'd prefer me to sit in the trunk than sit on Niall's lap.

Before I could get even more confused, Harry interrupted my thoughts.

"Isla, I swear, it's fine," Harry said, he must have read my mind. "It's not like I'm asking you to make out with him, you're just sitting on his lap for a few minutes." He grinned at me.

I saw Niall's eye widen along with mine but I quickly recovered as I saw the playfulness that filled Harry's eyes.

He was really okay with me sitting on Niall's lap.

Isla, get over yourself. You're making a big deal out of nothing. I shook my head, clearing my thoughts.

"I mean, I...I'm okay with it, if Niall's okay with it," I stammered. I looked nervously at Niall. He looked at me with a face that I couldn't figure out before he smiled at me.

"Of course, it's okay," Niall spoke. "I'd feel a lot better than if you sat in the trunk." I saw Liam whisper something into Zayn's ear, followed by giggles from the both of them. Obviously, a sexual joke was just exchanged between them. I rolled my eyes and I turned back to Niall. I grinned at him, feeling calmer with his joking behaviour.

"Hurry up and get in the car or I will come out there and tie you to the roof!" Louis said.

"Okay, okay, I'm coming," I said, stepping into the car. I crouched inside in the car and hesitantly sat on Niall's lap. I smiled nervously at him and he smiled back at me as he placed his arms loosely around me.

Harry and Louis faced the front as the car was turned on.

"Is everyone okay?" Harry asked. He put the car into drive and turned onto the road and started to drive to our destination.

"Yeah, Niall, are you comfortable?" Liam teased. Zayn and Louis burst out laughing and I saw Harry trying to suppress a smile and Niall just blushed.

I felt sorry for Niall so I turned a little bit in Niall's lap and kicked Liam in the shins.

"OW! What was that for?" he shouted, holding onto his shin.

"Be nice, or I'll tie you to the roof, Liam James Payne."

Fear grew in his eyes as he slid away from us and leaned into Zayn.

"Switch seats with me," Liam said, holding onto Zayn's arm, "she's a lot meaner now since we last saw her." I rolled my eyes and smiled at the scared Liam.

"No! Get off of me!" Zayn said, pushing Liam's hand off of him. "You got yourself into this mess."

Liam straightened up, sneaking careful glances at me. Then he eyes brightened as he bent down and grabbed a box of cookies before holding it out to me.

"Peace offering?"

I narrowed my eyes at him as I saw Niall grinning from the corner of my eyes and Zayn smirking while looking between me and Liam.

I knew I wasn't hungry but I was just messing with Liam for teasing Niall so I pretended to reluctantly take a cookie.

"This is your last chance, Payne. Next time, you're gonna have to beg for my forgiveness."

He nodded his head frantically. "I promise, I won't tease Niall again."

"You better," I said. I tried keeping a smile suppressed as Liam relaxed and started munching on a cookie. I smiled inside though at how my troubles seemed to have disappeared while in the car with my five friends. I felt like things were back to normal. I forgot how fun it was to tease Liam. Or any of the boys. I couldn't help it. A smile crept onto my face at how happy I felt right now.

I felt a pair of hands squeeze my waist as I looked at Niall. Right into his piercing blue eyes that I've missed so much. He saw the smile on my face and returned it with one of his own. We just looked at each other for the rest of the car ride as I lightly brushed my thumb against his hand. I missed my best friend. I missed the feeling of safety whenever I was with him.

I reluctantly looked away as the car pulled into a driveway and stopped. I looked out the window and felt fear creep into my body as I set my eyes on the place that caused so many painful memories. One's I wish I could forget. One's I wish never happened.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"We'll all be with you, Isla," Harry said. "We won't ever leave your side." I nodded my head, eyes still closed.

"Shall we go?" Louis said from the front.

I opened my eyes and nodded before opening the car door and stepping out. The boys followed suit and stood close to me as I walked up to the front door.

I was scared that once I opened the door, I wouldn't be able to handle it anymore. But I had to stay strong. I've come this far, I can't back away now. I unlocked the door and placed my hand on the doorknob.

I felt a hand rest on my shoulder.

"We're here, Isla, "Liam said. "We always have and we always will." Just like when he said those words to me during our conversation back on Sophie's front step, it gave me a burst of confidence and security. Enough to allow myself to turn the doorknob and push open the door before I stepped inside to face my fear.




This chapter is dedicated to Never_Gonna_Change ! Love your comment. Go read her movella "A Whisper In The Wind" ! :)




OMG this chapter is 11 pages on Word! That's record for me! And I wrote until 4 in the morning! I just kept writing and writing and writing! I don't know why but I think this one of my favourite chapters. But when I was writing it, I had to stop at a lot of parts because I almost started to cry :'( so emotional for me, that's why I decided to have a little bit of humour in the end to lighten the mood a bit.

Please please please let me know what you think of this chapter. I don't care if I get more likes for this chapter, I want to know what you think! So comment please. I think this was the hardest but the best chapter that I've written. I would really love to hear what you think of it. So comment comment comment!

What do you think's going to happen next? Do you still think she's going to end up with who you thought she was going to end up with earlier in the chapter?

Anyways, continue to write comments and i'll continue to choose the best one to do a shoutout for :) remember, it has to be about the story, specifically about the chapter that i just put up. and DON'T put the name of the movella that you want me to promote in the comment or i won't choose it and i'll delete it. i'll go to your profile and find the name and if i promote the wrong one, just kik me.

Thank you for reading!

Love youuu <3

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